Sunday, December 25, 2011
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Poonam Pandey's figure too distracting for men or being overlooked?
Poonam Pandey, in case you haven't heard of her, born on 11th March 1991, is an Indian model and a self-proclaimed cricket fan. The New Generation Girl in Mumbai and the most downloaded model on internet on her Twitter Bio. She trips nude if blue team wins makes worldwide trending and has frequently made the headlines for all the wrong reasons. Who recently attack by bullies despising her for being "too hot".
Yes, according to her statement, the Kingfisher model shares her insights on World Cup 2011 were so overwhelmed by her looks that she was ‘Woman of every Hour ‘for dressing too sexily, was flooded of offers about from some of her skimpy bikini and was then ask to act in Hollywood
While she claims she wore modest fashion clothing and did nothing to provoke the male reaction, men in India around her couldn't seem to keep it in their pants. A spoofy blogger gave the 19-year-old single model a long list of clothing items that she would not be allowed to wear, which included Burkha, turtlenecks, pencil skirts, fitted suits and three-inch heels. (Burkha is too sexy? Really?!)
$37 million for alleged sexual harassment, it leads me to wonder whether women are really that distracting for men in the social networks. Can men really not control themselves when faced with a beautiful woman? Or do women simply dress too provocatively , flirt too much for comfort, embraced sexuality or branding publicity?
Sure, men think about sex every seven seconds (or every hour, or every day, depending on what survey you read). In my previous article ‘What Bloody Hell Men Are Thinking’? "If you don't understand us, there's something wrong with you," one wise man often tells me. "We're basically one step up from a caveman."
And sure, men are distracted by revealing clothing (especially on Twitter while driving). And yes, according to scientific research, men get more stupid in the presence of beautiful women and they tend to lose their minds in the face of ample cleavage, spicy bedunkadunk and a pair of skinny legs. But is it really that hard for them to keep it to themselves? ANTM model and mentor Tyra Banks creates urban dictionary for butt popping called- booty tooch. Men misread ‘Beauty Touch”.
According to a poll I carried out of men in my dating, adult and social websites, 100 per cent of them answered with a resounding "yes". Apparently it really is that difficult for the male species to practice a little self control.
"You've got to be prudent these days," said one. "It's a struggle contain the excitement," said another. And third guy replied with this: "Unless you're under video surveillance or a homosexual, it's impossible not to stare and sometimes even do something about it!"
While women (especially the wives and girlfriends) have long expressed about men perving on the opposite sex, how far is too far when it comes to women dressing provocatively? And what actually is provocative dressing?
According to American Justice Potter Stewart's famous quotation, the answer is simple: "I know it when I see it."
Yet, an old axiom holds that it's a woman's fault line if she dresses way too provocatively and "If it's not for sale, don't advertise."
I wonder, therefore, as a single girl in a world in which advertising centres on flaunting sexuality, what is appropriate? What is sexually appealing? And what would lead a man to view you as "easy" rather than someone he wants to date?
For Indian culture, the best outfit a woman can wear isn't something that "advertises" all her bits, but rather a simple, casual toned- Burkha.
"I think I attract the wrong sorts of men," I whispered.
And that Poonam Pandey perhaps says it all..
Catch her live 24x7 soon http://www.poonampandey.co.in/
Yes, according to her statement, the Kingfisher model shares her insights on World Cup 2011 were so overwhelmed by her looks that she was ‘Woman of every Hour ‘for dressing too sexily, was flooded of offers about from some of her skimpy bikini and was then ask to act in Hollywood
While she claims she wore modest fashion clothing and did nothing to provoke the male reaction, men in India around her couldn't seem to keep it in their pants. A spoofy blogger gave the 19-year-old single model a long list of clothing items that she would not be allowed to wear, which included Burkha, turtlenecks, pencil skirts, fitted suits and three-inch heels. (Burkha is too sexy? Really?!)
$37 million for alleged sexual harassment, it leads me to wonder whether women are really that distracting for men in the social networks. Can men really not control themselves when faced with a beautiful woman? Or do women simply dress too provocatively , flirt too much for comfort, embraced sexuality or branding publicity?
Sure, men think about sex every seven seconds (or every hour, or every day, depending on what survey you read). In my previous article ‘What Bloody Hell Men Are Thinking’? "If you don't understand us, there's something wrong with you," one wise man often tells me. "We're basically one step up from a caveman."
And sure, men are distracted by revealing clothing (especially on Twitter while driving). And yes, according to scientific research, men get more stupid in the presence of beautiful women and they tend to lose their minds in the face of ample cleavage, spicy bedunkadunk and a pair of skinny legs. But is it really that hard for them to keep it to themselves? ANTM model and mentor Tyra Banks creates urban dictionary for butt popping called- booty tooch. Men misread ‘Beauty Touch”.
According to a poll I carried out of men in my dating, adult and social websites, 100 per cent of them answered with a resounding "yes". Apparently it really is that difficult for the male species to practice a little self control.
"You've got to be prudent these days," said one. "It's a struggle contain the excitement," said another. And third guy replied with this: "Unless you're under video surveillance or a homosexual, it's impossible not to stare and sometimes even do something about it!"
While women (especially the wives and girlfriends) have long expressed about men perving on the opposite sex, how far is too far when it comes to women dressing provocatively? And what actually is provocative dressing?
According to American Justice Potter Stewart's famous quotation, the answer is simple: "I know it when I see it."
Yet, an old axiom holds that it's a woman's fault line if she dresses way too provocatively and "If it's not for sale, don't advertise."
I wonder, therefore, as a single girl in a world in which advertising centres on flaunting sexuality, what is appropriate? What is sexually appealing? And what would lead a man to view you as "easy" rather than someone he wants to date?
For Indian culture, the best outfit a woman can wear isn't something that "advertises" all her bits, but rather a simple, casual toned- Burkha.
"I think I attract the wrong sorts of men," I whispered.
And that Poonam Pandey perhaps says it all..
Catch her live 24x7 soon http://www.poonampandey.co.in/
What the bloody hell are men thinking?
Most women have one gripe in common when it comes to romantic relationships. They'll never understand men.
"If you don't understand us, there's something wrong with you," one wise man often tells me. "We're basically one step up from a caveman."
But it's not our fault either. Sometimes men are rude, unresponsive or moody, only to turn around later (after we've been sobbing to our mates for hours) to tell us they were simply hungry, horny or tired. My gay friend reckons that the more straight-forward, realistic, honest and balanced you are with a man, the more he takes advantage and gives you the opposite reaction back. "They're like children," he says. "They take advantage of you. Reward bad behaviour by being nice and they get worse. You can't win."
Sure, men are notorious for not wearing their hearts on their sleeves, for not saying it like it is (or at least that's how we perceive it because men think they're always straightforward), for stringing us along (which they claim is not their fault but rather ours for falling in love with them too soon) and then having it all blow up in our faces when they finally tell us the truth: they simply aren't ready for a girlfriend.
So I was intrigued to say the least, when I read that author Zoe Strimpel spent a year undercover interviewing hundreds of men, in the hope of coming up with explanations for their strange behaviours and foibles. The result? A book titled What the Hell is He Thinking? which aims to debunk some of the myths we associate with the men in our lives. See what you think ….
MYTH: Men get over their exes right away.
TRUTH: Men find it far harder to get over their exes than women do.
I often marvel at the ability of recently dumped blokes to get over their exes faster than a speeding bullet. But Strimpel reckons it's not as easy for them as they make it out to be. They're just better at hiding their feelings. "Because they don't feel able to discuss their emotions with their mates as we do with ours, it's hard for them to really get out all their hurt and move on, so the emotional pain festers," says Strimpel. "Whereas we tend to cry for weeks, then start to feel better, a guy will keep quiet, shag around, then realize he hasn't moved on when you're already out with the next guy."
MYTH: If you hang around a guy for long enough, he'll commit to you.
TRUTH: Many men string along women for two to three months without ever intending to have a relationship.
What is it with a man stringing a woman along for three months or so, only to say he never really wanted a girlfriend in the first place and that he no longer wants to see her … ever again?
While women are notorious for doing the "fantasy jump" (imagining the white wedding and the names of their kids after a few dates), some men seem to do the opposite. Call them commitment-phobes but the more intense things become, the more they back off, believing that the relationship is going to be a mammoth threat to their freedom, their sex life and their bachelor pad. Hence they rationalize they better exit stage left, and fast, before – heaven forbid! – things actually start to become serious.
Adam, 31, calls these men "Casanovas" and tells Strimpel this: "Casanovas teach themselves how to make women fall for them, because they weren't always the smoothies they are now. They get off on the validation of getting it right over and over, but don't care about a long-term result - and they're cold perfectionists."
MYTH: Men who cheat can reform.
TRUTH: Your mother was right: Once a cheater, always a cheater.
I thought this was about right when a married man told me the other night he was "interested", to which I replied, "Not a chance in hell mate." He couldn't understand my answer. "Thirty other women have been with me while I've been married and haven't cared about the ring," he responded, thinking that would make it OK. It wouldn't.
Strimpel says that the surprising thing that came out of her research was that, even if you're "the other woman" and think you're so special that you rescued some dude from his fledgling relationship or boring life of matrimony, don't think that he won't do it to you, too. He will. And he'll do it again and again. Apparently (according to the blokes she interviewed) the saying is true: once a cheater, always a cheater. Because blokes do it, there's nothing to stop them from trying it again.
MYTH: When your boyfriend starts to act distant and weird, it's because he's hungry or stressed.
FACT: Men act weird when they want out of the relationship but don't want to be confrontational so they hope you'll dump them first instead.
We're so often told that, when a man becomes distant, he's hungry, wants sex or is stressed. But sometimes Strimpel says the answer is a little more complex: he's no longer interested in the relationship and is hoping that if he acts like a douchebag long enough, you'll dump him first instead. Ouch.
MYTH: Men hate it when we talk too much.
FACT: Men love it when we say certain things.
Following in Strimpel's footsteps, I decided to carry out my own research and, over the past few years, have been carrying out a poll which involves asking men about the phrases they love to hear coming out of our mouths. This is what the men have told me. Feel free to add to the list ...
"You're right."
"Size doesn't matter."
"Will you help me unscrew this?"
"Your [insert body part] is amazing."
"I love your bald head / grey hair."
"You are so good at [insert action here]."
"Dinner will be on the table when you get home ... served naked … by me."
"Anything that involves us being fed or getting laid ... "
Enough said!
"If you don't understand us, there's something wrong with you," one wise man often tells me. "We're basically one step up from a caveman."
But it's not our fault either. Sometimes men are rude, unresponsive or moody, only to turn around later (after we've been sobbing to our mates for hours) to tell us they were simply hungry, horny or tired. My gay friend reckons that the more straight-forward, realistic, honest and balanced you are with a man, the more he takes advantage and gives you the opposite reaction back. "They're like children," he says. "They take advantage of you. Reward bad behaviour by being nice and they get worse. You can't win."
Sure, men are notorious for not wearing their hearts on their sleeves, for not saying it like it is (or at least that's how we perceive it because men think they're always straightforward), for stringing us along (which they claim is not their fault but rather ours for falling in love with them too soon) and then having it all blow up in our faces when they finally tell us the truth: they simply aren't ready for a girlfriend.
So I was intrigued to say the least, when I read that author Zoe Strimpel spent a year undercover interviewing hundreds of men, in the hope of coming up with explanations for their strange behaviours and foibles. The result? A book titled What the Hell is He Thinking? which aims to debunk some of the myths we associate with the men in our lives. See what you think ….
MYTH: Men get over their exes right away.
TRUTH: Men find it far harder to get over their exes than women do.
I often marvel at the ability of recently dumped blokes to get over their exes faster than a speeding bullet. But Strimpel reckons it's not as easy for them as they make it out to be. They're just better at hiding their feelings. "Because they don't feel able to discuss their emotions with their mates as we do with ours, it's hard for them to really get out all their hurt and move on, so the emotional pain festers," says Strimpel. "Whereas we tend to cry for weeks, then start to feel better, a guy will keep quiet, shag around, then realize he hasn't moved on when you're already out with the next guy."
MYTH: If you hang around a guy for long enough, he'll commit to you.
TRUTH: Many men string along women for two to three months without ever intending to have a relationship.
What is it with a man stringing a woman along for three months or so, only to say he never really wanted a girlfriend in the first place and that he no longer wants to see her … ever again?
While women are notorious for doing the "fantasy jump" (imagining the white wedding and the names of their kids after a few dates), some men seem to do the opposite. Call them commitment-phobes but the more intense things become, the more they back off, believing that the relationship is going to be a mammoth threat to their freedom, their sex life and their bachelor pad. Hence they rationalize they better exit stage left, and fast, before – heaven forbid! – things actually start to become serious.
Adam, 31, calls these men "Casanovas" and tells Strimpel this: "Casanovas teach themselves how to make women fall for them, because they weren't always the smoothies they are now. They get off on the validation of getting it right over and over, but don't care about a long-term result - and they're cold perfectionists."
MYTH: Men who cheat can reform.
TRUTH: Your mother was right: Once a cheater, always a cheater.
I thought this was about right when a married man told me the other night he was "interested", to which I replied, "Not a chance in hell mate." He couldn't understand my answer. "Thirty other women have been with me while I've been married and haven't cared about the ring," he responded, thinking that would make it OK. It wouldn't.
Strimpel says that the surprising thing that came out of her research was that, even if you're "the other woman" and think you're so special that you rescued some dude from his fledgling relationship or boring life of matrimony, don't think that he won't do it to you, too. He will. And he'll do it again and again. Apparently (according to the blokes she interviewed) the saying is true: once a cheater, always a cheater. Because blokes do it, there's nothing to stop them from trying it again.
MYTH: When your boyfriend starts to act distant and weird, it's because he's hungry or stressed.
FACT: Men act weird when they want out of the relationship but don't want to be confrontational so they hope you'll dump them first instead.
We're so often told that, when a man becomes distant, he's hungry, wants sex or is stressed. But sometimes Strimpel says the answer is a little more complex: he's no longer interested in the relationship and is hoping that if he acts like a douchebag long enough, you'll dump him first instead. Ouch.
MYTH: Men hate it when we talk too much.
FACT: Men love it when we say certain things.
Following in Strimpel's footsteps, I decided to carry out my own research and, over the past few years, have been carrying out a poll which involves asking men about the phrases they love to hear coming out of our mouths. This is what the men have told me. Feel free to add to the list ...
"You're right."
"Size doesn't matter."
"Will you help me unscrew this?"
"Your [insert body part] is amazing."
"I love your bald head / grey hair."
"You are so good at [insert action here]."
"Dinner will be on the table when you get home ... served naked … by me."
"Anything that involves us being fed or getting laid ... "
Enough said!
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Sophia Abella: Top 5 Popular New Year's Resolutions, Drama Queen No More
So this Yuletide season, I am resolving to put an end to all of those things that kept me boggle and astray. And, quite frankly, I think there are few things we should all resolve to leave in 2011. Let’s all make and keep these resolutions together:
Facebook:
You are the bane of my existence. What girl in their right mind ever thought it was a good idea to frequently post status updates that were simply seeking for attention? Or listing off her exact whereabouts 24/7 so those creepy-crawly surfers could follow her around? This Facebook sydrome is just another avenue for people to have a public beg-pity-party, to spark off revenge via album pictures making out with strange dudes/blokes, to stalk exes and horrible bosses. This year, I declare to take a step back from the computer and live life not on Facebook’s terms. Or on my ex boyfriend’s Newsfeed.
Men:
In 2012, we should all resolve to not let a guy edict our mood. Yes, men have the ability to make us the happiest we’ve ever been, but they can also make us suck up to in the fetal position and battle cry for one week straight. One bad breakup has the power to put me in a state of hibernation until family and friends recognize me as a full-fledged hermit with cheesy-cookie dough in my hair, and I know I’m not the only one. This year, I refuse to let whatever is happening in my love life affect the rest of my life. Because if the world revolved around a single man, we’d all be in big trouble.
Health:
Amazingly proud I stopped smoking. Hopeful this year you smokers smoke healthy human cigar instead and we will not insist our jeans fit us when our extra “baggage” spills over the top. Acceptance is the first step towards recovery from the unsightly muffin top and that deep red ring around our belly button that comes with it. Indulge in Lotte Burke, Zumba or just simply grab Total Core and Total Sauna. We don’t have to go out, and dress ourselves hitting to the gym. Why spend money if you can do it at home. Holding on to our delusions of still being a size beer bottle, even after we binge-ate holiday and forbidden food for over a month, is not healthy. Rather than walking around in ill-fitting clothes, let’s resolve by detoxifying and cleansing wheatgrass.
Opportunity:
Let’s all resolve to embrace opportunities in all constructive forms. Whether it’s a date with a guy you don’t know that well or simply trying something you’ve never done before boot-tucking anyone?), let’s make 2012 the year where nothing is off limits. I think I will take a page out of Yes and Man’s World Magazine (OK, Friends with Benefits-Pizza my Heart-Beauty and the Briefcase) and make myself more available to opportunity and adventure. Because, well, why not? Jokingly, ‘til we get fucked up and even our boobs are far apart. Improve our life in all angles and still look sizzling summer desserts.
Alcohol:
Let’s welcome and celebrate 2012 not acting like a drunken Lindsay Lohan impersonator ever (again). Nobody likes that girl. That girl is always the one acting inappropriate in front of guys. She’s the one bitching out her friends for no good reason. She’s the one who comes home and eats the entire contents of the fridge whilst she waits for her delivery. And unless you take pleasure in one-night stands, a beer gut, nip slips and vomit chunks in one’s hair, nothing good ever happens for this girl. I love my vodka, but I love my pride a whole lot more.
At least this coming year, I do.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Sophia Abella: Confessions Of An Enigma: Conquer And Divide
Seems only to look, discover and decide that if that one special person comes into my life, I can share with him earnestly and even specifically those things that I see to be what would necessitate a true, real and honest connection. While also having the capacity to give and receive kindred passions and romance. Even further with others thoughts about the alternation of acquiescence and ascendance that I, too, share the idea, understanding and excitement of finding man who can share such pleasures for a lifetime with me. For I gain my pleasure from pleasing my lover; and to find a man who would be this way in kind would be the true pinnacle were it to belong to a love everlasting. I'm am quite receptive to sharing my thoughts and desires when it comes to this subject; so feel free to ask any questions or thoughts regarding this with me.
From my past experiences and heartbreak I have come to also be cautious with whom I'll make such a deep and total commitment to when it comes to a lifelong relationship. Though I've enjoyed connecting with others and have shared many thoughts and dreams, I am not one who will simply start professing affection or more to merely seek out the same in return. However, when the moment arrives when there is a connection that surpasses and engulfs me in a manner that shows there are the passions of love developing, then he could evermore be assured that no other would ever come into my life. I am someone who knows only how to love one man, and only to love totally and completely.....for a lifetime means to give all of me to "him" holding nothing back and expecting and needing the same from him. Yes honesty and open communication are essential to any relationship. Realizing that life and people are not perfect is mandatory.
All we can hope for to attain true happiness is confidence in ourselves and each other no matter how difficult it is at times. The world is a very unforgiving place but as long as we know that our intentions come from the heart without malice we can find happiness. We just need someone to share that with. Any relationship is a compromise but when two people find someone that complements their existence and brings meaning to their lives true compatibility. In today's society it is easy to be overcome by outside influences and prejudices but two people that are truly compatible can battle and overcome these sometimes overbearing odds. Sex is the ultimate union of closeness between two people that can be enjoyed and fulfill everyone's innermost mental and physical desires. I know it is hard to find genuine people with real, honest emotions but we must strive for it because if not, all hope is lost.
http://www.asiancemagazine.com/2011/10/30/confessions-of-an-enigma-conquer-and-divide-
Bait 'n' Hook: beware the deadbeat in disguise
Last week The Atlantic magazine came out with a cover story that says women are struggling to find men because all blokes these days are either "deadbeats" or "playboys".
Kate Bolick, 39, the never-married writer of the story (which has made major waves online, with the men recoiling and the women applauding), says that, with the disruption to the romantic market because of the "explosion of male joblessness and a steep decline in men's life prospects, a woman's search for a man is rendered hopeless".
Hopeless? Really? While I have to disagree with her (it only takes meeting one remarkable bloke to change one's mind), on the flip side, many single blokes have realised that so many women share Bolick's sentiment.
Advertisement: Story continues below
Single, randy men have discovered that, with so many of these "hopeless" women desperate to get hitched to just about anyone, their chances of a pick-up have never been easier.
Hence the smart (sly?) blokes have figured out that all they need to do to stand out from the deadbeat crowd is express a simple sentiment: tell the women they meet they want to settle down as quickly as possible.
You see, when a man tells a woman that he wants to settle down, get married and have kids ... and tells her on the first night, on the first date or very early on in the courtship process (yes, it happens), it's like balm to a woman's ears.
Suddenly she's thinking that Bolick's argument is utter bollocks.
"I've finally met a man who wants to settle down right now!" she says in glee. "Who said anything about deadbeats or playboys? There are marriage-minded men out there after all. Hooray!"
But, ladies, beware. He could be using the newest form of "bait 'n' hook" on the dating block – the new, fool-proof pick-up line that modern men have realised will be guaranteed to get them attention, a second date and, most importantly, to get them laid the fastest.
If you think about it, it's a brilliant modus operandi. Simply tell a woman you want to settle down as quickly as possible and she'll be like putty in your hands. Panties will fly off, text messages declaring her love will incessantly beep into your iPhone and you'll be hailed the new male hero of the decade.
You are the knight in shining armour who has arrived to save her from her sad, sorry, single life and all her problems are instantly solved thanks to you swooping in.
Examples I've recently heard being tossed around by these supposedly marriage-minded Prince Charmings include: "I want to get married"; "I'm extremely picky"; "I can't wait to have children"; "I'm tired of the dating game"; "I just want to settle down already" and so on.
But, alas, the promises from these seemingly eager men do not exactly ever come to fruition.
"I want to get married" quickly turns to "I just want a casual sex relationship but since I'm the perfect guy and might one day want to get married, you should stick around … you could be the lucky one I choose when I eventually do!"
And, all too suddenly, the female lone rangers are back to being just that … alone and at home on a Saturday night, eating dinner for one.
So how do you know if a man is being truthful or deceitful?
Bolick says that the telltale sign is to look at his bank balance. "The more successful a man is (or thinks he is), the less interested he is in commitment," she writes.
But I disagree. In fact, of the many blokes I've interviewed, it mostly appears that the more successful they are and the more they feel they have got to the point in their lives at which they are financially stable enough to support and provide for a family, the more they feel they are finally ready to commit and the more serious (and real) they are about it all.
Bolick then says that another key, telltale sign as to whether or not a guy is fibbing about his supposed non-existent commitment-phobia is his age. Bolick calls it "Marriage O'Clock": the point at which a man hits 35 and "suddenly, desperately, wants a wife".
Or so these 35-plus men say. But again I wonder if these men really stand by the things they say.
I can only imagine a man of that age becomes so used to his freedom, autonomy and rampant sex life, that there's no need for him to spread half his time, his house and his income on a woman … for the rest of his life.
I can also imagine that the likes of George Clooney et al have finessed the fine art of the female pick-up and know exactly what to say about their stance on marriage, commitment and their plans ("with you in it!") in order to get women in bed.
My thoughts? Women should smarten the hell up and start to think not whether the man wants to get married and if she's good enough to be the one he picks, but whether or not he is actually worthy of her and whether or not he is marriage material. Because most often, those who shout the loudest usually have the emptiest arguments ...
What do you think?
PS. I'm also pretty sure that there are women who also put an argument with no merit or truth to it, telling a man they're happy to be ensconced in a "friends with benefits" situation when in reality they want nothing of the sort. Instead many attempt to weasel their way into his heart, only to get better and jaded when he recoils at the thought of something more serious.
Either way, in my books, there's simply no room for deception in a relationship. If someone isn't being honest about their intentions, and instead are manipulating, lying or not being real, they're simply not worth your time in the first place ...
Have a great weekend and happy dating!
Kate Bolick, 39, the never-married writer of the story (which has made major waves online, with the men recoiling and the women applauding), says that, with the disruption to the romantic market because of the "explosion of male joblessness and a steep decline in men's life prospects, a woman's search for a man is rendered hopeless".
Hopeless? Really? While I have to disagree with her (it only takes meeting one remarkable bloke to change one's mind), on the flip side, many single blokes have realised that so many women share Bolick's sentiment.
Advertisement: Story continues below
Single, randy men have discovered that, with so many of these "hopeless" women desperate to get hitched to just about anyone, their chances of a pick-up have never been easier.
Hence the smart (sly?) blokes have figured out that all they need to do to stand out from the deadbeat crowd is express a simple sentiment: tell the women they meet they want to settle down as quickly as possible.
You see, when a man tells a woman that he wants to settle down, get married and have kids ... and tells her on the first night, on the first date or very early on in the courtship process (yes, it happens), it's like balm to a woman's ears.
Suddenly she's thinking that Bolick's argument is utter bollocks.
"I've finally met a man who wants to settle down right now!" she says in glee. "Who said anything about deadbeats or playboys? There are marriage-minded men out there after all. Hooray!"
But, ladies, beware. He could be using the newest form of "bait 'n' hook" on the dating block – the new, fool-proof pick-up line that modern men have realised will be guaranteed to get them attention, a second date and, most importantly, to get them laid the fastest.
If you think about it, it's a brilliant modus operandi. Simply tell a woman you want to settle down as quickly as possible and she'll be like putty in your hands. Panties will fly off, text messages declaring her love will incessantly beep into your iPhone and you'll be hailed the new male hero of the decade.
You are the knight in shining armour who has arrived to save her from her sad, sorry, single life and all her problems are instantly solved thanks to you swooping in.
Examples I've recently heard being tossed around by these supposedly marriage-minded Prince Charmings include: "I want to get married"; "I'm extremely picky"; "I can't wait to have children"; "I'm tired of the dating game"; "I just want to settle down already" and so on.
But, alas, the promises from these seemingly eager men do not exactly ever come to fruition.
"I want to get married" quickly turns to "I just want a casual sex relationship but since I'm the perfect guy and might one day want to get married, you should stick around … you could be the lucky one I choose when I eventually do!"
And, all too suddenly, the female lone rangers are back to being just that … alone and at home on a Saturday night, eating dinner for one.
So how do you know if a man is being truthful or deceitful?
Bolick says that the telltale sign is to look at his bank balance. "The more successful a man is (or thinks he is), the less interested he is in commitment," she writes.
But I disagree. In fact, of the many blokes I've interviewed, it mostly appears that the more successful they are and the more they feel they have got to the point in their lives at which they are financially stable enough to support and provide for a family, the more they feel they are finally ready to commit and the more serious (and real) they are about it all.
Bolick then says that another key, telltale sign as to whether or not a guy is fibbing about his supposed non-existent commitment-phobia is his age. Bolick calls it "Marriage O'Clock": the point at which a man hits 35 and "suddenly, desperately, wants a wife".
Or so these 35-plus men say. But again I wonder if these men really stand by the things they say.
I can only imagine a man of that age becomes so used to his freedom, autonomy and rampant sex life, that there's no need for him to spread half his time, his house and his income on a woman … for the rest of his life.
I can also imagine that the likes of George Clooney et al have finessed the fine art of the female pick-up and know exactly what to say about their stance on marriage, commitment and their plans ("with you in it!") in order to get women in bed.
My thoughts? Women should smarten the hell up and start to think not whether the man wants to get married and if she's good enough to be the one he picks, but whether or not he is actually worthy of her and whether or not he is marriage material. Because most often, those who shout the loudest usually have the emptiest arguments ...
What do you think?
PS. I'm also pretty sure that there are women who also put an argument with no merit or truth to it, telling a man they're happy to be ensconced in a "friends with benefits" situation when in reality they want nothing of the sort. Instead many attempt to weasel their way into his heart, only to get better and jaded when he recoils at the thought of something more serious.
Either way, in my books, there's simply no room for deception in a relationship. If someone isn't being honest about their intentions, and instead are manipulating, lying or not being real, they're simply not worth your time in the first place ...
Have a great weekend and happy dating!
Brazilian, boobs and the chop what would you do in the name of love?
Apparently some blokes are willing to do anything in the name of love. I'm not talking about waxing their nads or spending three months of their salary on a diamond ring or even swapping a golf game for a visit to the in-laws. Instead I'm talking about something far more life altering and perhaps a little cringe-worthy …
In a recent article in the New York magazine and another in the Daily Mail, it has been revealed that, a decade ago, Guy Ritchie got circumcised for his then wife, Madonna. Yes, apparently, in order to fit in with her Kabbalah-inspired requirements, Ritchie underwent the procedure to get rid of his foreskin before his wedding in 2000.
While this kind of sacrifice is a little beyond what normal women might expect from their new bloke, it nevertheless got me thinking about sacrifices that ought to be made (or not even requested by one's other half) for the sake of a relationship.
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Over the past weekend I spoke to two women who had both moved from their home towns for their partners. One moved interstate, the other moved overseas and neither was too happy about it.
"But I did it for love," they both told me on separate occasions. "It's not every day you find a guy as awesome as [insert new boyfriend's name here]," they both said.
Then there was the woman whose boyfriend was demanding something a little less sacrificial, but nevertheless perhaps just as painful: a Brazilian wax.
"I'm not doing it, out of principle," she snapped. "Even though men might expect it these days, I can't believe he had the audacity to ask for it."
Then there are those changes that cannot be reversed. Like a woman I know whose boyfriend requested she get a boob job and even promised to pay for it. She ended up getting one and they ended up breaking up anyway. Nice.
On the other end of the scale, my girlfriend Jackie once dated a guy who insisted she not wear anything too revealing or sexy. Especially when he was not around.
"I don't want you going out looking like that," he'd say as she stepped out the door in a miniskirt and high heels. He told her that he preferred her in jeans, flats, her hair pulled back and less make-up on her face.
While at the time she bathed in the warm knowledge that he liked her au natural, she quickly discovered that it was his way of controlling her and making sure no other man gave her any attention.
Of course there are harmless (perhaps even beneficial) sacrifices that your partner might ask you to make such as losing weight, quitting smoking, becoming a vegetarian, taking up yoga, doing more washing, spending less money … As many men might even say: if she makes me a better man, why not?
Sure, we all want to please our partners and to show that we are willing to compromise and sacrifice things in order to make them happy.
And, yes, many of us are prepared to move cities, countries, remove hair, grow hair ... whatever the case may be.
But when we're forced to lose our authentic selves (and parts of our bodies) in the name of keeping our partners happy, that's when we might want to question their motivations and ask whether it's really worth it in the end ...
Read more: http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/life/blogs/ask-sam/brazilian-boobs-and-the-chop--what-would-you-do-in-the-name-of-love-20111023-1mepg.html#ixzz1cFzBMep9
In a recent article in the New York magazine and another in the Daily Mail, it has been revealed that, a decade ago, Guy Ritchie got circumcised for his then wife, Madonna. Yes, apparently, in order to fit in with her Kabbalah-inspired requirements, Ritchie underwent the procedure to get rid of his foreskin before his wedding in 2000.
While this kind of sacrifice is a little beyond what normal women might expect from their new bloke, it nevertheless got me thinking about sacrifices that ought to be made (or not even requested by one's other half) for the sake of a relationship.
Advertisement: Story continues below
Over the past weekend I spoke to two women who had both moved from their home towns for their partners. One moved interstate, the other moved overseas and neither was too happy about it.
"But I did it for love," they both told me on separate occasions. "It's not every day you find a guy as awesome as [insert new boyfriend's name here]," they both said.
Then there was the woman whose boyfriend was demanding something a little less sacrificial, but nevertheless perhaps just as painful: a Brazilian wax.
"I'm not doing it, out of principle," she snapped. "Even though men might expect it these days, I can't believe he had the audacity to ask for it."
Then there are those changes that cannot be reversed. Like a woman I know whose boyfriend requested she get a boob job and even promised to pay for it. She ended up getting one and they ended up breaking up anyway. Nice.
On the other end of the scale, my girlfriend Jackie once dated a guy who insisted she not wear anything too revealing or sexy. Especially when he was not around.
"I don't want you going out looking like that," he'd say as she stepped out the door in a miniskirt and high heels. He told her that he preferred her in jeans, flats, her hair pulled back and less make-up on her face.
While at the time she bathed in the warm knowledge that he liked her au natural, she quickly discovered that it was his way of controlling her and making sure no other man gave her any attention.
Of course there are harmless (perhaps even beneficial) sacrifices that your partner might ask you to make such as losing weight, quitting smoking, becoming a vegetarian, taking up yoga, doing more washing, spending less money … As many men might even say: if she makes me a better man, why not?
Sure, we all want to please our partners and to show that we are willing to compromise and sacrifice things in order to make them happy.
And, yes, many of us are prepared to move cities, countries, remove hair, grow hair ... whatever the case may be.
But when we're forced to lose our authentic selves (and parts of our bodies) in the name of keeping our partners happy, that's when we might want to question their motivations and ask whether it's really worth it in the end ...
Read more: http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/life/blogs/ask-sam/brazilian-boobs-and-the-chop--what-would-you-do-in-the-name-of-love-20111023-1mepg.html#ixzz1cFzBMep9
Modern women who can cook: a minority?
They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. But when it comes to modern women in aprons (a rare sight?), it seems they aren't exactly satiating a bloke's hunger pangs or setting his heart on fire with their lamb roasts and chocolate soufflés.
These days, according to the complaints from single blokes, my newly engaged mate Tom and a very fiery Gordon Ramsay, too many women nowadays are living in a haze caused by the Sex and the City hangover – where ovens are used to store clothing (OK, maybe not that far but you get my drift) and women prefer to do other things (yoga, shopping, working, drinking mojitos) than spending the evening organic grocery shopping and whipping up a hearty meal for two.
The Good Food Channel in Britain backed up this hypothesis with a study of 2000 men and women, finding that one in six women simply can't cook.
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So, is the ancient art of winning a man's heart – that was once passed down from generation to generation – dying with the advent of the modern, independent woman? Do women nowadays believe that feminism gave them the right to put down their spatula and leave the oven to the blokes? Has the climb up the corporate ladder meant that women have stepped on their domesticity in favour of … well, not bothering at all?
And the ultimate question: is this what modern men are actually drawn to?
Somehow I don't think so.
"I don't know any girls these days who actually want to cook for a guy," Brad, a 36-year-old singleton, said to me the other day. He's struggling to find a girlfriend who is smart and independent, but not so independent that she refuses to step into the kitchen.
"Well, I don't have time to cook because I have a full-time job – as do most women my age," retorted Mirabella, a 29-year-old graphic designer.
"Also their mums don't say you've got to get a man and cook for him," said Brad.
Mirabella: "Well, you don't actually need a man any more because you are self sufficient and you can sustain yourself. It's a different mentality now. Women are educated now. They go to university and they spend five years studying and then going to get a job. They are not looking for a man or a husband. They are too busy chasing a career. Before, when you were 16 and growing up, the girl would be learning how to cook and all these domesticated things. They'd finish school and by the time they were 18 or 21, they were married."
Brad: "And then, when you find the guy, you can't cook for him!"
Mirabella: "But that's the point. Modern women don't care about that stuff. It's not really on our radar."
Brad: "Well I say that women are losing the mothering/wife ability. Isn't that the male paradox – a man wants someone like their mother?"
Mirabella: "I guess. I ain't doing it though."
I watched their debate in awe, wondering if the stereotypes I so often talk about in this column were actually a reality.
Women such as Mirabella are aplenty. Why cook when you can work, make money and spend that precious time doing other things? Somehow it seems that looking after a man is against all that feminism had to offer. Aren't we all more self-sufficient now? But does that also mean that many women are missing out on nabbing a man?
I don't know.
What I do know is that I've spent the past week in the country. I've seen traditional values being played out among my peers, young couples, singles and marrieds.
Everything is actually quite balanced. There aren't hordes of desperate single women scouring nightclubs or bars for available men, constantly complaining there are no decent blokes in their town and heading to therapy to work on their "issues" with "players", cads and men who are dating three other women, unbeknown to them.
The country men are much the same: they want to meet a woman to settle down with. They aren't chasing the next skirt or their next fruitless casual sex encounter. It's true ... and it's mightily refreshing.
I'm a feminist, but at the same time, it seems gender equality and the modern city lifestyle haven't exactly provided us with a happier, more fulfilling life. Unfortunately things (especially for single people) have become way too complicated.
Outside the big city, nothing seems that confusing. People are clear about their intentions. People actually value relationships, love, romance, marriage and starting a family.
And surprise, surprise – the women can actually cook and aren't afraid to say it ...
These days, according to the complaints from single blokes, my newly engaged mate Tom and a very fiery Gordon Ramsay, too many women nowadays are living in a haze caused by the Sex and the City hangover – where ovens are used to store clothing (OK, maybe not that far but you get my drift) and women prefer to do other things (yoga, shopping, working, drinking mojitos) than spending the evening organic grocery shopping and whipping up a hearty meal for two.
The Good Food Channel in Britain backed up this hypothesis with a study of 2000 men and women, finding that one in six women simply can't cook.
Advertisement: Story continues below
So, is the ancient art of winning a man's heart – that was once passed down from generation to generation – dying with the advent of the modern, independent woman? Do women nowadays believe that feminism gave them the right to put down their spatula and leave the oven to the blokes? Has the climb up the corporate ladder meant that women have stepped on their domesticity in favour of … well, not bothering at all?
And the ultimate question: is this what modern men are actually drawn to?
Somehow I don't think so.
"I don't know any girls these days who actually want to cook for a guy," Brad, a 36-year-old singleton, said to me the other day. He's struggling to find a girlfriend who is smart and independent, but not so independent that she refuses to step into the kitchen.
"Well, I don't have time to cook because I have a full-time job – as do most women my age," retorted Mirabella, a 29-year-old graphic designer.
"Also their mums don't say you've got to get a man and cook for him," said Brad.
Mirabella: "Well, you don't actually need a man any more because you are self sufficient and you can sustain yourself. It's a different mentality now. Women are educated now. They go to university and they spend five years studying and then going to get a job. They are not looking for a man or a husband. They are too busy chasing a career. Before, when you were 16 and growing up, the girl would be learning how to cook and all these domesticated things. They'd finish school and by the time they were 18 or 21, they were married."
Brad: "And then, when you find the guy, you can't cook for him!"
Mirabella: "But that's the point. Modern women don't care about that stuff. It's not really on our radar."
Brad: "Well I say that women are losing the mothering/wife ability. Isn't that the male paradox – a man wants someone like their mother?"
Mirabella: "I guess. I ain't doing it though."
I watched their debate in awe, wondering if the stereotypes I so often talk about in this column were actually a reality.
Women such as Mirabella are aplenty. Why cook when you can work, make money and spend that precious time doing other things? Somehow it seems that looking after a man is against all that feminism had to offer. Aren't we all more self-sufficient now? But does that also mean that many women are missing out on nabbing a man?
I don't know.
What I do know is that I've spent the past week in the country. I've seen traditional values being played out among my peers, young couples, singles and marrieds.
Everything is actually quite balanced. There aren't hordes of desperate single women scouring nightclubs or bars for available men, constantly complaining there are no decent blokes in their town and heading to therapy to work on their "issues" with "players", cads and men who are dating three other women, unbeknown to them.
The country men are much the same: they want to meet a woman to settle down with. They aren't chasing the next skirt or their next fruitless casual sex encounter. It's true ... and it's mightily refreshing.
I'm a feminist, but at the same time, it seems gender equality and the modern city lifestyle haven't exactly provided us with a happier, more fulfilling life. Unfortunately things (especially for single people) have become way too complicated.
Outside the big city, nothing seems that confusing. People are clear about their intentions. People actually value relationships, love, romance, marriage and starting a family.
And surprise, surprise – the women can actually cook and aren't afraid to say it ...
Sophia Abella: Babydoll Assassin Battles Fresh-human Sperm In Beijing
It was a cold evening in Beijing Dec 2007. Very very cold. So cold that I was trembling in my corset dress. I was with my friends in an open coffee shop of a five star hotel.
The evening was perfect except for the freezing weather. I placed an order for some Shiraz wine to keep myself warm.
A tall white hunk dressed in a grey suit walked up to me. For a moment, I thought he was going to buy me a drink. While I was still imagining, the cool dude, who was now right across the table introduced himself as the General Manager of the hotel, and asked me if all was well.
Before I could respond, he leaned forward and whispered, ‘Shawl’? I nodded with a mischievous smile. With two shawls wrapped up around me and a glass of vintage Japanese wine,I was beginning to experience perfect bliss.
The handsome manager excused himself to attend to some regular meetings. My friends, who were nonexistent to me for a brief while, suddenly seemed lively and amusing entities.
The table looked beautiful with Japanese wine, a cheese platter, some stir fried prawns and potatoes, sweet corn and garlic mushrooms. I was giggling, laughing, drinking, eating – all at the same time. Betwixt all this, there was something buzzing that caught my attention.
It was my Blackberry! The number flashing on the screen of my phone was not on my address book. And so, I did the usual, which is to ignore. The caller kept calling. I assumed it would stop sooner or later. But it did not. At this point in time, I was irritated and curious.
I decided to speak to the unknown caller who was desperately seeking my attention. Who knows, might be my Prince. Naughtily laughing.
The desperate caller said, ‘Hello Miss Sophia’.
I was patiently waiting for the caller to go on. He said, he was an avid fan and, requested that I speak to him for a few minutes. I did not interrupt him.
He asked me how the experience of being a transgender now became a full-blown " Sophisticated Woman".
I said, ‘Quite challenging’.
He asked me to elaborate on some of the highlights. I refused to do so as I did not want to revisit memories filled with hurt, pain, remorse and resentment.
I then took a piece of gigantic prawn from the platter which was staring at me for quite some time. It felt as though it was seducing me, ‘Don’t just stare at me, taste me. I’m worth it’. So, I put the fried prawn gently into my mouth.
While the gigantic prawn was still in my mouth, the journo popped his next question, ‘Do you use human sperm as facial care regimen?
I did not react. I thought I misunderstood him. I said with my mouth wide open, struggling to chew the prawn, ‘Hmm that’s something’? I’m eating prawn, not oyster.
He repeated his question. It was the same! How could it be the same!! Maybe, I was hearing strange things. Maybe this is what happens when one lives caged in a society where you embraced charms and attention.
Just then, the fried prawn in my mouth slipped into my food pipe. I guess I must have swallowed it. My reaction was involuntary. It was truly beyond my hormonal control. Seeing me choke, my girlfriends offered me water, wine, any liquid on the table that they could lay their hands on. I gulped my glass of wine, which was half full. I was feeling better now and was getting ready to continue my conversation with the journo.
I said to him, ‘Ahhh….what do you mean exactly’?
He extensively discussed that a new research described the human sperm as the new generation cure for acne, wrinkle, ageing and skin face problem. I was speechless.
I said, ‘Really’?
He said, ‘That’s right’.
I was confuzzled. Since when did human sperms become the new age cosmetic cream? Aren’t sperms meant for procreation? And, if the girl doesn’t wish to get pregnant and is not on birth control pills, the guy disposes the sperms in a condom, a trash bin, a toilet or any place else. At least, that's what I thought.
The fan reminded me of the question again, as though, asking it once was not good enough. I panicked. I didn’t know what to say.
The only two options that were clearly visible to me were – ‘Yes, the research is absolutely right. I have known this for quite a few eyars. I had severe acne during my early 20s. And I applied my boyfriend’s sperms. It worked! Trust me on that’ or, are you insane?
I could feel my heart beat faster. I was never, in my whole 25 years on Planet Earth ever asked a question as frightening as this. My hands reached into my Louis Vuitton clutch to look for some anti-anxiety pills which I seldom carry. There were none. I had to overcome this fear. Fear of what people think.
I said to him in a calm tone, ‘Are you kidding dear’?
Journo answered no. He asked me to be honest.
Frankly, he caught me at a bad time. Didn’t he know honesty was not a virtue any more, if he did catch me on the beach surrounded by men in trunks- possibly I play full back Definitely not with something about human sperms with gigantic prawn and cheese platter on our table!
I wanted to hang up on him right away. I had not planned on spending my evening thinking about sperms. That was certainly not why I visited my British doctor in China.
I realized that I had to give an answer. Dumb, stupid, bold, boggle, idiotic, addle any kind that seemed like an answer. I started composing my thoughts to give an articulate response.
Behold, the words came out, “I’m cumming soon!” If human sperms are clearly better than any anti-wrinkle and anti-ageing creams or even better than collagen botox, I shall use them; maybe in the future, but surely after I cross half century. I hope I have a man in my life then with a healthy sperm count. It’s a great money saving scheme. Xie xie’.
The avid fan seemed quite pleased with the quote. He wished me good night without bothering me anymore. I was relieved.
I felt like a baby doll assassin returning victorious from the battle field. What a victory!! My girlfriends waved at me from the buffet counter not knowing what the human sperms did to me during those fifteen minutes. Smize.
http://www.asiancemagazine.com/2011/10/30/babydoll-assassin-battles-fresh-human-sperm-in-beijing
The evening was perfect except for the freezing weather. I placed an order for some Shiraz wine to keep myself warm.
A tall white hunk dressed in a grey suit walked up to me. For a moment, I thought he was going to buy me a drink. While I was still imagining, the cool dude, who was now right across the table introduced himself as the General Manager of the hotel, and asked me if all was well.
Before I could respond, he leaned forward and whispered, ‘Shawl’? I nodded with a mischievous smile. With two shawls wrapped up around me and a glass of vintage Japanese wine,I was beginning to experience perfect bliss.
The handsome manager excused himself to attend to some regular meetings. My friends, who were nonexistent to me for a brief while, suddenly seemed lively and amusing entities.
The table looked beautiful with Japanese wine, a cheese platter, some stir fried prawns and potatoes, sweet corn and garlic mushrooms. I was giggling, laughing, drinking, eating – all at the same time. Betwixt all this, there was something buzzing that caught my attention.
It was my Blackberry! The number flashing on the screen of my phone was not on my address book. And so, I did the usual, which is to ignore. The caller kept calling. I assumed it would stop sooner or later. But it did not. At this point in time, I was irritated and curious.
I decided to speak to the unknown caller who was desperately seeking my attention. Who knows, might be my Prince. Naughtily laughing.
The desperate caller said, ‘Hello Miss Sophia’.
He asked me how the experience of being a transgender now became a full-blown " Sophisticated Woman".
I said, ‘Quite challenging’.
He asked me to elaborate on some of the highlights. I refused to do so as I did not want to revisit memories filled with hurt, pain, remorse and resentment.
I then took a piece of gigantic prawn from the platter which was staring at me for quite some time. It felt as though it was seducing me, ‘Don’t just stare at me, taste me. I’m worth it’. So, I put the fried prawn gently into my mouth.
While the gigantic prawn was still in my mouth, the journo popped his next question, ‘Do you use human sperm as facial care regimen?
I did not react. I thought I misunderstood him. I said with my mouth wide open, struggling to chew the prawn, ‘Hmm that’s something’? I’m eating prawn, not oyster.
He repeated his question. It was the same! How could it be the same!! Maybe, I was hearing strange things. Maybe this is what happens when one lives caged in a society where you embraced charms and attention.
Just then, the fried prawn in my mouth slipped into my food pipe. I guess I must have swallowed it. My reaction was involuntary. It was truly beyond my hormonal control. Seeing me choke, my girlfriends offered me water, wine, any liquid on the table that they could lay their hands on. I gulped my glass of wine, which was half full. I was feeling better now and was getting ready to continue my conversation with the journo.
I said to him, ‘Ahhh….what do you mean exactly’?
He extensively discussed that a new research described the human sperm as the new generation cure for acne, wrinkle, ageing and skin face problem. I was speechless.
I said, ‘Really’?
He said, ‘That’s right’.
I was confuzzled. Since when did human sperms become the new age cosmetic cream? Aren’t sperms meant for procreation? And, if the girl doesn’t wish to get pregnant and is not on birth control pills, the guy disposes the sperms in a condom, a trash bin, a toilet or any place else. At least, that's what I thought.
The fan reminded me of the question again, as though, asking it once was not good enough. I panicked. I didn’t know what to say.
The only two options that were clearly visible to me were – ‘Yes, the research is absolutely right. I have known this for quite a few eyars. I had severe acne during my early 20s. And I applied my boyfriend’s sperms. It worked! Trust me on that’ or, are you insane?
I could feel my heart beat faster. I was never, in my whole 25 years on Planet Earth ever asked a question as frightening as this. My hands reached into my Louis Vuitton clutch to look for some anti-anxiety pills which I seldom carry. There were none. I had to overcome this fear. Fear of what people think.
I said to him in a calm tone, ‘Are you kidding dear’?
Journo answered no. He asked me to be honest.
Frankly, he caught me at a bad time. Didn’t he know honesty was not a virtue any more, if he did catch me on the beach surrounded by men in trunks- possibly I play full back Definitely not with something about human sperms with gigantic prawn and cheese platter on our table!
I wanted to hang up on him right away. I had not planned on spending my evening thinking about sperms. That was certainly not why I visited my British doctor in China.
I realized that I had to give an answer. Dumb, stupid, bold, boggle, idiotic, addle any kind that seemed like an answer. I started composing my thoughts to give an articulate response.
Behold, the words came out, “I’m cumming soon!” If human sperms are clearly better than any anti-wrinkle and anti-ageing creams or even better than collagen botox, I shall use them; maybe in the future, but surely after I cross half century. I hope I have a man in my life then with a healthy sperm count. It’s a great money saving scheme. Xie xie’.
The avid fan seemed quite pleased with the quote. He wished me good night without bothering me anymore. I was relieved.
I felt like a baby doll assassin returning victorious from the battle field. What a victory!! My girlfriends waved at me from the buffet counter not knowing what the human sperms did to me during those fifteen minutes. Smize.
http://www.asiancemagazine.com/2011/10/30/babydoll-assassin-battles-fresh-human-sperm-in-beijing
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
What is the point of staying "friends" with an ex?
They say one should live one's life with no regrets. Yet, while most of us try to do so, a study published in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science found that one regret stands out more than others.
When 370 adult Americans were asked to report on one salient regret in life, the most common one was related to - you guessed it - a past relationship. (This came above regretting facets of one's career, finances or parenting skills.)
Intrigued as to how many people really regret their past relationships, I spent the weekend investigating and discovered that, even though failed relationships abound, many people still remain firm friends with their exes.
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Perhaps these days it's unavoidable, especially considering the current generation is marrying later, dating more, committing less and Facebook connects us with our exes from two to 20 years ago. Perhaps it's sufficient to say that exes are more prevalent in our lives than ever before - whether we like it or not.
But is it really healthy for one to remain friends with an ex after ending a relationship? When it's over, should it be over emotionally as well as physically?
Pop singer Adele, who penned an entire album about taking revenge on her ex, has recently gone against everything she preaches in her lyrics and has let her ex back into her life.
"We're becoming friends again," she told Spinner magazine, much to the horror of the millions of women whom she empowered through their own break-ups. "I know what I'm doing," she added. "Enough time has gone by now."
Say what!? Didn't her album, 21, which sold more than 10 million copies, act as a go-girl mantra, telling all women that they should strive to get over the dude who broke their hearts and never to speak to him again?
And now she's reneging on her message and doing what she's told women never to do – be mates with their exes?
It doesn't make sense. But it's not that rare either. Just the other day, Charlie Sheen was spotted out for dinner with his ex Denise Richards. Elle Macpherson was photographed with her ex Tim Jeffries. And Elizabeth Hurley, who is making headlines for her hasty engagement to Shane Warne, (apparently he makes her "happy"), has remained friends with quite a few of her exes.
In an interview with the Daily Mail newspaper recently, Hurley said that Arun Nayer (her latest ex) is still her best friend. She also claims that she, Nayer and her other ex, Hugh Grant, all go on holiday together. And the most startling revelation of them all: Warney and Grant now play golf together. Hmm.
In an unofficial survey carried out by moi, it seems the jury is out on whether one should hang out with an ex or not. Some reckon it can't be done without resulting in a cat fight. Others say they swear by it. ("My exes keep me sane!" said one.) Another said she doesn't speak to her ex at all because it only sets her back and brings about too much pain.
Needless to say, everyone seems to have an opinion on how one should handle a past love.
Ah, the ex. The very word goes straight to the jugular, reeking of awkward moments, mixed memories, bitterness, resentment, anger, guilt and longing. So why does an ex continue to have such an impact over their previous partner's life? Is it because we haven't - as Adele says so eloquently - met someone better than them yet? Or do they simply remind us of a time in our lives when we felt happy, part of a twosome, wanted, adored, never lonely and never bored?
These days, considering we're dating for longer and are racking up a lengthy list of exes, it almost seems that not being friends with an ex would cut out half of our social circle. Not to mention the fact that, if we work together, go to the same gym, share the same psychologist or landlord or favourite coffee shop, not remaining friends with this person is not something we even get to choose.
For me, being friends with an ex is fine, but it needs to have a use-by-date. Be friends until one or both of you gets serious with someone else. To me, it would be a little awkward seeing my new date giggling over mojitos with someone he's previously been sexually intimate with ... And so I hope to give him the same respect by not being too matey with any of my exes either.
But what do I know?
To get the expert opinion on the matter, I consulted psychologist and author of Suddenly Single, Dr John Aiken. He says that to be friends with an ex is a pointless endeavour and once a relationship is over, it should be over for good ...
Says Aiken: "There's lots of people out there who think being friends with your ex is possible. I'm, however, not one of these types. Instead, I think trying to be friends with your ex is a very difficult task at the best of times and it's generally better to stay well clear of this sort of relationship. For starters, break-ups can be messy, and often there are unresolved feelings and hurts that make an ongoing close friendship impossible. It also makes it really hard for either of you to move forward, and be available to meet a new love interest.
"You can't share personal things with them like you used to, nor can you spend the same sort of time socialising with their family and friends. Not to mention the problems that can occur with mixed messages, the possibility of ex-sex and of holding on to hope of rekindling the fire. My advice - find someone else to be friends with and let both of you move on."
Talking about regrets, there's a saying: "Mistakes are sometimes the best memories." And when it comes to exes, past relationships, heartache, lost loves - whatever - sometimes even though you made mistakes, if you can turn around and say you had a heck of a lot of fun at the time, then it might, just maybe, have all been worth it ...
When 370 adult Americans were asked to report on one salient regret in life, the most common one was related to - you guessed it - a past relationship. (This came above regretting facets of one's career, finances or parenting skills.)
Intrigued as to how many people really regret their past relationships, I spent the weekend investigating and discovered that, even though failed relationships abound, many people still remain firm friends with their exes.
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Perhaps these days it's unavoidable, especially considering the current generation is marrying later, dating more, committing less and Facebook connects us with our exes from two to 20 years ago. Perhaps it's sufficient to say that exes are more prevalent in our lives than ever before - whether we like it or not.
But is it really healthy for one to remain friends with an ex after ending a relationship? When it's over, should it be over emotionally as well as physically?
Pop singer Adele, who penned an entire album about taking revenge on her ex, has recently gone against everything she preaches in her lyrics and has let her ex back into her life.
"We're becoming friends again," she told Spinner magazine, much to the horror of the millions of women whom she empowered through their own break-ups. "I know what I'm doing," she added. "Enough time has gone by now."
Say what!? Didn't her album, 21, which sold more than 10 million copies, act as a go-girl mantra, telling all women that they should strive to get over the dude who broke their hearts and never to speak to him again?
And now she's reneging on her message and doing what she's told women never to do – be mates with their exes?
It doesn't make sense. But it's not that rare either. Just the other day, Charlie Sheen was spotted out for dinner with his ex Denise Richards. Elle Macpherson was photographed with her ex Tim Jeffries. And Elizabeth Hurley, who is making headlines for her hasty engagement to Shane Warne, (apparently he makes her "happy"), has remained friends with quite a few of her exes.
In an interview with the Daily Mail newspaper recently, Hurley said that Arun Nayer (her latest ex) is still her best friend. She also claims that she, Nayer and her other ex, Hugh Grant, all go on holiday together. And the most startling revelation of them all: Warney and Grant now play golf together. Hmm.
In an unofficial survey carried out by moi, it seems the jury is out on whether one should hang out with an ex or not. Some reckon it can't be done without resulting in a cat fight. Others say they swear by it. ("My exes keep me sane!" said one.) Another said she doesn't speak to her ex at all because it only sets her back and brings about too much pain.
Needless to say, everyone seems to have an opinion on how one should handle a past love.
Ah, the ex. The very word goes straight to the jugular, reeking of awkward moments, mixed memories, bitterness, resentment, anger, guilt and longing. So why does an ex continue to have such an impact over their previous partner's life? Is it because we haven't - as Adele says so eloquently - met someone better than them yet? Or do they simply remind us of a time in our lives when we felt happy, part of a twosome, wanted, adored, never lonely and never bored?
These days, considering we're dating for longer and are racking up a lengthy list of exes, it almost seems that not being friends with an ex would cut out half of our social circle. Not to mention the fact that, if we work together, go to the same gym, share the same psychologist or landlord or favourite coffee shop, not remaining friends with this person is not something we even get to choose.
For me, being friends with an ex is fine, but it needs to have a use-by-date. Be friends until one or both of you gets serious with someone else. To me, it would be a little awkward seeing my new date giggling over mojitos with someone he's previously been sexually intimate with ... And so I hope to give him the same respect by not being too matey with any of my exes either.
But what do I know?
To get the expert opinion on the matter, I consulted psychologist and author of Suddenly Single, Dr John Aiken. He says that to be friends with an ex is a pointless endeavour and once a relationship is over, it should be over for good ...
Says Aiken: "There's lots of people out there who think being friends with your ex is possible. I'm, however, not one of these types. Instead, I think trying to be friends with your ex is a very difficult task at the best of times and it's generally better to stay well clear of this sort of relationship. For starters, break-ups can be messy, and often there are unresolved feelings and hurts that make an ongoing close friendship impossible. It also makes it really hard for either of you to move forward, and be available to meet a new love interest.
"You can't share personal things with them like you used to, nor can you spend the same sort of time socialising with their family and friends. Not to mention the problems that can occur with mixed messages, the possibility of ex-sex and of holding on to hope of rekindling the fire. My advice - find someone else to be friends with and let both of you move on."
Talking about regrets, there's a saying: "Mistakes are sometimes the best memories." And when it comes to exes, past relationships, heartache, lost loves - whatever - sometimes even though you made mistakes, if you can turn around and say you had a heck of a lot of fun at the time, then it might, just maybe, have all been worth it ...
Thursday, October 13, 2011
What Sophia Abella does when she's alone
Thank you for taking your time to understand my words and my thoughts. Thank you for being reactive and seeking more understanding.
I like to give, be there for people - especially someone I like, very
much (although I believe this does not influence my wish to help where I
can). As I said, when I am not obviously being serious, I am fooling
around - life is serious enough and we have to find the light side of
almost everything so stay sane. Especially if we ponder on the meaning
of "everything", which I have done a lot and which I believe you do too!
I believe, principally, there are three things which make people scared
of change - and they all result from experience...
1. People learn in life. To learn, we (mostly) have to experience pain -
especially kids. So, once we learn about one thing and believe we
understand it, we make a tick in the box and move on. Change often means
"re-learning". Now, throughout our lives we learn that learning can be
painful! So, when we are faced with a choice, do we really want to hurt
ourselves more and relearn?
2. There is an old expression - "the devil you know is better than the
devil you do not know". More often than not, people summon up the
courage to make the change, not through logical thought and evaluation,
but because of an emotional reaction. So, they change direction and all
of a sudden - nothing turns out as they had expected. They find
themselves in a right mess. The change was for the worse. Now, in this
situation, the logical answer would be to back-track, but unfortunately,
so many of us are so bloody-minded and stubborn that we do not allow
ourselves to embark on this "cowardly" approach - we battle on and get
deeper in the mess (some say shit, but I don't!) ... So, the change
becomes a real horror and bad experience, which makes us even more
adamant to avoid change in the future.
3. When a change is made, "things" tend to get worse before they get
better. However, this is usually due to lack of planning the change
properly. You will notice in business, when companies plan a change
nowadays, all sorts of processes are set in motion - mainly "risk
mitigation" - i.e. avoid the shit we would get into if the change were
made purely from an emotional reaction...
Hey, we are living in a "cotton-wool" world, where society "protects" us
from all sorts of things we should be exposed to (and learn to try to
avoid from a very early age - i.e. only do when necessary). Only a few
thousand years ago, we were hunters - we killed on a daily basis. Blood
and killing was necessary for our survival. In those times, we would
probably have preferred romance,dramas and "good news" to give us
balance! Now, society tries to stamp out any form of "natural" instinct
and brand it as "bad", "primitive". Hey, damn it, we are primitive - we
need to hunt, fish, live with nature, understand our place in the world
- we are predators - just because we buy unrecognizable dead animals in
supermarkets, packed in pretty cartons (which, incidentally suffered
more that any hunted animal) does not mean we are better than other
carnivores. But society has tried to elevate man above nature, make him
something better... and quite simply - genetically that can not work.
So, we like bad new to give us balance. One thing, strange about me (I
know there are many things strange about me!!!) - I do accept bullies
(bad)news and every day learning "good" news can bring tears to my eyes
because I see hope.
Very perceptive- I sometimes felt I would like to know that I
used to be attractive when I am no longer attractive, but in the interim
I know that is nonsense! I took photos of myself to sell myself. I am
glad I look like this at my age and if I am looking for an attractive
and younger person, logic tells me I need to show that I am not what
they may expect of an woman who's lived difficulties.
Self-esteem? No, I only feel bad about myself when I cause others pain.
I am quite confident and enjoy the report and respect I get from those
around me - I am much liked, simply because I am kind, considerate,
understanding and respectful to others. I do not give a damn if it's the
tea-boy, driver or CEO. I will give them all the same warmth and respect
when I meet them - then it is up to them how they want to react with
me... and I can be very cold if I believe a person "not good" - very
cold indeed...
Can't remember last time I was so emotional like this?! Wow, I am getting
older. Should I gamble?? Why not, I'm here. Soon I celebrate my 30th Birthday.
I like to give, be there for people - especially someone I like, very
much (although I believe this does not influence my wish to help where I
can). As I said, when I am not obviously being serious, I am fooling
around - life is serious enough and we have to find the light side of
almost everything so stay sane. Especially if we ponder on the meaning
of "everything", which I have done a lot and which I believe you do too!
of change - and they all result from experience...
1. People learn in life. To learn, we (mostly) have to experience pain -
especially kids. So, once we learn about one thing and believe we
understand it, we make a tick in the box and move on. Change often means
"re-learning". Now, throughout our lives we learn that learning can be
painful! So, when we are faced with a choice, do we really want to hurt
ourselves more and relearn?
2. There is an old expression - "the devil you know is better than the
devil you do not know". More often than not, people summon up the
courage to make the change, not through logical thought and evaluation,
but because of an emotional reaction. So, they change direction and all
of a sudden - nothing turns out as they had expected. They find
themselves in a right mess. The change was for the worse. Now, in this
situation, the logical answer would be to back-track, but unfortunately,
so many of us are so bloody-minded and stubborn that we do not allow
ourselves to embark on this "cowardly" approach - we battle on and get
deeper in the mess (some say shit, but I don't!) ... So, the change
becomes a real horror and bad experience, which makes us even more
adamant to avoid change in the future.
3. When a change is made, "things" tend to get worse before they get
better. However, this is usually due to lack of planning the change
properly. You will notice in business, when companies plan a change
nowadays, all sorts of processes are set in motion - mainly "risk
mitigation" - i.e. avoid the shit we would get into if the change were
made purely from an emotional reaction...
from all sorts of things we should be exposed to (and learn to try to
avoid from a very early age - i.e. only do when necessary). Only a few
thousand years ago, we were hunters - we killed on a daily basis. Blood
and killing was necessary for our survival. In those times, we would
probably have preferred romance,dramas and "good news" to give us
balance! Now, society tries to stamp out any form of "natural" instinct
and brand it as "bad", "primitive". Hey, damn it, we are primitive - we
need to hunt, fish, live with nature, understand our place in the world
- we are predators - just because we buy unrecognizable dead animals in
supermarkets, packed in pretty cartons (which, incidentally suffered
more that any hunted animal) does not mean we are better than other
carnivores. But society has tried to elevate man above nature, make him
something better... and quite simply - genetically that can not work.
So, we like bad new to give us balance. One thing, strange about me (I
know there are many things strange about me!!!) - I do accept bullies
(bad)news and every day learning "good" news can bring tears to my eyes
because I see hope.
Very perceptive- I sometimes felt I would like to know that I
used to be attractive when I am no longer attractive, but in the interim
I know that is nonsense! I took photos of myself to sell myself. I am
glad I look like this at my age and if I am looking for an attractive
and younger person, logic tells me I need to show that I am not what
they may expect of an woman who's lived difficulties.
Self-esteem? No, I only feel bad about myself when I cause others pain.
I am quite confident and enjoy the report and respect I get from those
around me - I am much liked, simply because I am kind, considerate,
understanding and respectful to others. I do not give a damn if it's the
tea-boy, driver or CEO. I will give them all the same warmth and respect
when I meet them - then it is up to them how they want to react with
me... and I can be very cold if I believe a person "not good" - very
cold indeed...
older. Should I gamble?? Why not, I'm here. Soon I celebrate my 30th Birthday.
Why don't men like smart, strong, successful women?
Matchmaker Patti Stanger has recently come under fire for urging women to dumb themselves down if they want to get a man.
The gregarious television host of the hit show Millionaire Matchmaker has been matching desperate rich dudes with desperate skinny women for a number of years, much to the amusement of a growing television audience who revel in watching these socially awkward men try to impress a bunch of unimpressed, hungry women.
One thing about Stanger that stands out is her brashness in enforcing her dating rules.
Advertisement: Story continues below
She reckons both parties are single for a reason, hence are supposed to "change" something about themselves to finally attract a suitable partner whom she has preselected for them.
But the other day, when Stanger went out on international television talking about her dating rules, journalists, bloggers and audiences were not impressed.
First she slammed gay men for not being into monogamy, saying that, while she tries to "help" them find love, it was simply a hopeless endeavour.
"I have tried to curb you people," she told executive producer (and openly gay man) Andy Cohen. "When was the last time you had a boyfriend?" Yeouch.
Then she went on to slam smart, single women for being, er, too smart.
"Men like smart women after marriage. They don't like them before they are married. You got to dumb it down a little because men are not that bright."
This one had me a little confused. So I should be dumbing myself down to get a man? It simply doesn't make sense. And it's not the first time I've heard this sentiment expressed either.
The "smart woman v hot handbag" debate is one that I often engage in with my single, smart, successful girlfriends.
"Why do so many men trade us in for ditzy bimbos?" they often ask.
Why do men prefer to bonk (and marry) their secretaries over their bosses, as Forbes magazine once reported?
And are men really so afraid of being challenged by a smart woman that they'd ditch her for someone with less of a brain who doesn't challenge them and simply goes with the flow?
No idea. But economist Ray Fisman concurs, writing in Slate magazine about his observations when he analysed a bunch of speed dating events at a bar near Columbia University over a period of two years.
"Men avoided women whom they perceived to be smarter than themselves," he said. "The same held true for measures of career ambition - a woman could be ambitious, just not more ambitious than the man considering her for a date."
Why? "We males are a gender of fragile egos in search of a pretty face and are threatened by brains or success that exceeds our own."
Ahem. Of course not all men are like this. According to a study carried out by the University of Iowa, men actually increasingly want to date smart, successful women.
This according to the poll, which has been conducted every decade since 1939 and which asks participants to rank a list of 18 characteristics they would want in a partner.
In 2008, the poll found that men ranked intelligence fourth. In 1939, intelligence came 11th.
"Good financial prospect" moved to 12th place in 2008, a shift from its 17th-place ranking in 1939 and last-place ranking in 1967.
But here's the caveat: when it comes to smart women, not all men are created equal. While most men would not be too hasty to admit they'd prefer to be the smart one in a relationship, the men in my office (whom I urged to be honest) agreed.
Said one twentysomething: "Yes, I want to date the bar tender, the student or the girl who is a secretary. I can be the man in the relationship and she appreciates everything I do for her. It's simply much easier. I don't have to work as hard."
Said another: "Some guys want a girl who makes them feel smart and manly. If you make him feel stupid it shows he doesn't want an equal. So I guess it says more about the man than the state of relationships. That being said, I do find it easier dating girls who aren't that ambitious."
So what does it say about a man who prefers a handbag to a partner or an equal? A lot. But if Stanger's theory is correct, smart women had better hide their degrees and skip the political chat for more superficial, light conversations. At least if they want to get married any time soon.
I'm not one to judge, but all I know is that if you're a smart, successful woman and the men you're dating find you intimidating, start hanging out with a different calibre of man.
There is bound to be someone out there who will appreciate you for yourself. And, despite what Stanger might say, the best relationships are the ones in which you don't have to change a thing about yourself because your partner loves you just the way you are ...
The gregarious television host of the hit show Millionaire Matchmaker has been matching desperate rich dudes with desperate skinny women for a number of years, much to the amusement of a growing television audience who revel in watching these socially awkward men try to impress a bunch of unimpressed, hungry women.
One thing about Stanger that stands out is her brashness in enforcing her dating rules.
Advertisement: Story continues below
She reckons both parties are single for a reason, hence are supposed to "change" something about themselves to finally attract a suitable partner whom she has preselected for them.
But the other day, when Stanger went out on international television talking about her dating rules, journalists, bloggers and audiences were not impressed.
First she slammed gay men for not being into monogamy, saying that, while she tries to "help" them find love, it was simply a hopeless endeavour.
"I have tried to curb you people," she told executive producer (and openly gay man) Andy Cohen. "When was the last time you had a boyfriend?" Yeouch.
Then she went on to slam smart, single women for being, er, too smart.
"Men like smart women after marriage. They don't like them before they are married. You got to dumb it down a little because men are not that bright."
This one had me a little confused. So I should be dumbing myself down to get a man? It simply doesn't make sense. And it's not the first time I've heard this sentiment expressed either.
The "smart woman v hot handbag" debate is one that I often engage in with my single, smart, successful girlfriends.
"Why do so many men trade us in for ditzy bimbos?" they often ask.
Why do men prefer to bonk (and marry) their secretaries over their bosses, as Forbes magazine once reported?
And are men really so afraid of being challenged by a smart woman that they'd ditch her for someone with less of a brain who doesn't challenge them and simply goes with the flow?
No idea. But economist Ray Fisman concurs, writing in Slate magazine about his observations when he analysed a bunch of speed dating events at a bar near Columbia University over a period of two years.
"Men avoided women whom they perceived to be smarter than themselves," he said. "The same held true for measures of career ambition - a woman could be ambitious, just not more ambitious than the man considering her for a date."
Why? "We males are a gender of fragile egos in search of a pretty face and are threatened by brains or success that exceeds our own."
Ahem. Of course not all men are like this. According to a study carried out by the University of Iowa, men actually increasingly want to date smart, successful women.
This according to the poll, which has been conducted every decade since 1939 and which asks participants to rank a list of 18 characteristics they would want in a partner.
In 2008, the poll found that men ranked intelligence fourth. In 1939, intelligence came 11th.
"Good financial prospect" moved to 12th place in 2008, a shift from its 17th-place ranking in 1939 and last-place ranking in 1967.
But here's the caveat: when it comes to smart women, not all men are created equal. While most men would not be too hasty to admit they'd prefer to be the smart one in a relationship, the men in my office (whom I urged to be honest) agreed.
Said one twentysomething: "Yes, I want to date the bar tender, the student or the girl who is a secretary. I can be the man in the relationship and she appreciates everything I do for her. It's simply much easier. I don't have to work as hard."
Said another: "Some guys want a girl who makes them feel smart and manly. If you make him feel stupid it shows he doesn't want an equal. So I guess it says more about the man than the state of relationships. That being said, I do find it easier dating girls who aren't that ambitious."
So what does it say about a man who prefers a handbag to a partner or an equal? A lot. But if Stanger's theory is correct, smart women had better hide their degrees and skip the political chat for more superficial, light conversations. At least if they want to get married any time soon.
I'm not one to judge, but all I know is that if you're a smart, successful woman and the men you're dating find you intimidating, start hanging out with a different calibre of man.
There is bound to be someone out there who will appreciate you for yourself. And, despite what Stanger might say, the best relationships are the ones in which you don't have to change a thing about yourself because your partner loves you just the way you are ...
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Is sexual exclusivity unnatural?
Monogamy is like vegetarianism. At least that's according to US psychologist Christopher Ryan who is out to prove that monogamy is unnatural and sexual exclusivity is simply not something we were born to practise.
Referring to his book Sex at Dawn, which he wrote with his wife Cacilda Jetha, he said the aim of it was to reframe the conception of what sort of species we are and that, biologically, we are simply not hard-wired for monogamy. Just like we're not hard-wired to be vegetarians.
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"Just because you've decided to be a vegetarian, doesn't mean that bacon suddenly stops smelling good," he said.
While the likes of Ashton Kutcher, Dominique Kahn Strauss and my friend Gaby's ex (whom she caught in bed with his secretary … clichéd I know) would be likely to concur, is the fact that we're not hard-wired for monogamy supposed to be a legitimate excuse?
There are a myriad reasons why men crave attention from a woman other than their partners. Ego is one. Not being in love with her is another. But biology? Isn't that a cop-out? Haven't we got past the whole "My DNA made me do it" excuse?
In his book, Ryan goes one step further and says that, not only are we not hard-wired to be in a monogamous relationship, but long-term relationships actually make it harder for men to stay faithful as they cause a steady decrease in the male libido.
"[This] has everything to do with biology and hormones and would be the same regardless of the particular woman in their lives. That's right. The sexually monogamous husband of the hottest woman on earth will start to lose interest at a certain point. Uma, Selma, it's not your fault!" he wrote in Psychology Today magazine.
If Ryan's argument - that we have no reason to believe monogamy comes naturally to humans - has any merit, then in a society in which sexual non-exclusivity is looked upon as the ultimate failure of a relationship, are we simply all doomed?
According to Dan Savage, the outspoken gay self-proclaimed relationships expert with a massive cult following in the US, marriage is not supposed to be about sexual monogamy at all, but rather about stability. With a little sex on the side.
In his own relationship, he practises what he calls "monogamish" - which allows room for the occasional infidelities to take place without repercussion. As he wrote in his "The Stranger" column about his own relationship: "We're mostly monogamous, not swingers, not actively looking. Monogamish."
So what does Ryan think about open relationships?
''We tend to hear about the ones that don't work, the ones who get caught having affairs. I suspect that because discretion is essential to any alternative approach to relationships, there's a hell of a lot more alternative relationships than we're led to believe."
Right.
Somehow I'm pretty sure that, while the concept works in theory, in practice things can get a little more tricky. Relationships are hard indeed, but would being monogamish make it any easier?
Perhaps Ashton and Demi (and more couples around the globe) should have figured that out before they got themselves into their current mess. But I'll let you be the judge.
What do you think?
Advertisement: Story continues below
"Just because you've decided to be a vegetarian, doesn't mean that bacon suddenly stops smelling good," he said.
While the likes of Ashton Kutcher, Dominique Kahn Strauss and my friend Gaby's ex (whom she caught in bed with his secretary … clichéd I know) would be likely to concur, is the fact that we're not hard-wired for monogamy supposed to be a legitimate excuse?
There are a myriad reasons why men crave attention from a woman other than their partners. Ego is one. Not being in love with her is another. But biology? Isn't that a cop-out? Haven't we got past the whole "My DNA made me do it" excuse?
In his book, Ryan goes one step further and says that, not only are we not hard-wired to be in a monogamous relationship, but long-term relationships actually make it harder for men to stay faithful as they cause a steady decrease in the male libido.
If Ryan's argument - that we have no reason to believe monogamy comes naturally to humans - has any merit, then in a society in which sexual non-exclusivity is looked upon as the ultimate failure of a relationship, are we simply all doomed?
According to Dan Savage, the outspoken gay self-proclaimed relationships expert with a massive cult following in the US, marriage is not supposed to be about sexual monogamy at all, but rather about stability. With a little sex on the side.
In his own relationship, he practises what he calls "monogamish" - which allows room for the occasional infidelities to take place without repercussion. As he wrote in his "The Stranger" column about his own relationship: "We're mostly monogamous, not swingers, not actively looking. Monogamish."
So what does Ryan think about open relationships?
''We tend to hear about the ones that don't work, the ones who get caught having affairs. I suspect that because discretion is essential to any alternative approach to relationships, there's a hell of a lot more alternative relationships than we're led to believe."
Right.
Somehow I'm pretty sure that, while the concept works in theory, in practice things can get a little more tricky. Relationships are hard indeed, but would being monogamish make it any easier?
Perhaps Ashton and Demi (and more couples around the globe) should have figured that out before they got themselves into their current mess. But I'll let you be the judge.
What do you think?
Sunday, October 9, 2011
The Uncoachable: Sophia Abella celebrates at 30, detonated T-bombs!
It's so hard to see things we want, it takes away someday. Whatever we may have today, make use of the given chance, do good and nurture..
1. Don't ever trick yourself even you have the rules. If you play the fire spontaneously- you get burned.
2. I'm ego-sucking, brain-polluting, sperm-training and dollar-draining. Biblical scholars have it all wrong. The Apocalypse begins here. So hide and run!
3. I don't need to have a boyfriend to tell the world I'm beautiful, and to get laid to brag I'm sizzling hot. We have choices.
4. Things may not come out what we want, but turns things better. Embrace and love our life. Get rid of jealousy.
5. Even how beautiful, sexy and sizzling hot we are ladies, once we love, we all go crazy. Definitely it undresses our power to painful tears.
6. Everything we do in this world is all about 'Temptation'. Men & women alike are attracted to the forbidden things in life- know when to stop.
7. We all scared to get hurt, stood up and get our emotions damage. As we all go through the flow, we will soon find what we are looking for, we may keep denying it but once that person comes into our life, we should fight for it, give a shot and just enjoy what life has to offer.
8. Life's too pricey. If we lose balance and we lose power, then we'll never understand how the flow joins to our system. We tend to escalate it. We seek answers, we get hurt, we feel pain, all we need is a balance.
9. Relationship is like a stagnant water in the jar. You've to drain and clean once in a while so you can have healthy and clean water in take. Be creative.
10. Fun is fun but a disease will end your fun so think before engaging casual sex. If you want no condom, then find a wife and fuck!
11. Men are wild animals. Like Scorpio and cat fight! They both have claws & poisonous sting. Claws from Vagina should win over dangerous Penis.
12. Ladies, stop blaming testosterones. You open your legs, you let them fuck you so face the consequences. Stop crying. Stop being drama Queen!
13. The only thing that can't be taken away from men is ego, that most are 'ego'testicle. As they leave 'sperm'prints when they touch something.
14. Verbal abuse occurs if the person uses foul language/curse words if it's not delivered properly. Men are ego-testicle!
15. There are ways to have a good convo online but if you decide to meet, that means you expect the art of flirting & fucking. You bitches stop reporting rape/sexual abuse!
16. If you want people to respect you, love & respect your wife! Why did you get married if you still want other vagina? Think Millionx!
17. Women who are pleasant, sweet & polite as men praise them are subtle, manipulative & worse drama queen! Time to select bossy!
18. Complication is like food allergies. How would you know if the food might be delicious if you don't taste it? Even that food is forbidden, but fight for it, eventually your body will get use to it.
19. I deal men like a glass- either a half-full or brim-full. So less or too much is not good. So I know who's sincere and trying hard.
20. Dating is like football. They like it dirty, enjoy art of shaking their balls & skin-to-skin on the ground. Esp if you offer 'foot' fisting.
21. Pass. Never look back. Learn from the past but don't try to relive it. Life's too full of new opportunities. Now,looking at the present scenario.
22. Quick advice to dating. You get to meet different gregarious testosterones and who knows the surprises, a loving cum gets stuck in your ass.
24. Having sex with a stranger is like eating bukakke Sushi (rare), a T-bone steak (medium) if it's dating & (well-done) Turkey if you're married.
25. I don't scrutinize anybody, I'm here just like the rest but I live by the motto "Hitting two birds with one stone", to understand specially men's bahaviour and who knows I get to meet my Mr Right. I'm a hopeless romantic.
26. So we are who we are, respect, learn and explore! So be scared of my "V" tongue knife made from Kyocera. So think before fucking my inbox. At least I give warning!
27. I don't humiliate anybody, I say what I want with facts. Bullying is for losers.
28. I don't have second personality or living in a double life- so stop calling me insecure or bitter because I never was. I don't buy men's bullock. I'm absolutely not for free-definitely not for sale, so be yourself.
29. Men love sports, and some like dirty games. They're addicted to lies and deceit, so they can play their masculinity role.
30. I can't never be a mistress only if there's emotional involvement or engage friends with benefits because I will never disrespect my value and worth as a person. Vowing celibacy is the best option.
A lamb trapped in a lion's body. Some say I'm a provocative woman with freaky big brains and ugly duckling looks, and I'm always up for trying something new.
Have a happy landing fuck-bender!
2. I'm ego-sucking, brain-polluting, sperm-training and dollar-draining. Biblical scholars have it all wrong. The Apocalypse begins here. So hide and run!
3. I don't need to have a boyfriend to tell the world I'm beautiful, and to get laid to brag I'm sizzling hot. We have choices.
4. Things may not come out what we want, but turns things better. Embrace and love our life. Get rid of jealousy.
5. Even how beautiful, sexy and sizzling hot we are ladies, once we love, we all go crazy. Definitely it undresses our power to painful tears.
6. Everything we do in this world is all about 'Temptation'. Men & women alike are attracted to the forbidden things in life- know when to stop.
7. We all scared to get hurt, stood up and get our emotions damage. As we all go through the flow, we will soon find what we are looking for, we may keep denying it but once that person comes into our life, we should fight for it, give a shot and just enjoy what life has to offer.
8. Life's too pricey. If we lose balance and we lose power, then we'll never understand how the flow joins to our system. We tend to escalate it. We seek answers, we get hurt, we feel pain, all we need is a balance.
9. Relationship is like a stagnant water in the jar. You've to drain and clean once in a while so you can have healthy and clean water in take. Be creative.
10. Fun is fun but a disease will end your fun so think before engaging casual sex. If you want no condom, then find a wife and fuck!
11. Men are wild animals. Like Scorpio and cat fight! They both have claws & poisonous sting. Claws from Vagina should win over dangerous Penis.
12. Ladies, stop blaming testosterones. You open your legs, you let them fuck you so face the consequences. Stop crying. Stop being drama Queen!
13. The only thing that can't be taken away from men is ego, that most are 'ego'testicle. As they leave 'sperm'prints when they touch something.
14. Verbal abuse occurs if the person uses foul language/curse words if it's not delivered properly. Men are ego-testicle!
15. There are ways to have a good convo online but if you decide to meet, that means you expect the art of flirting & fucking. You bitches stop reporting rape/sexual abuse!
16. If you want people to respect you, love & respect your wife! Why did you get married if you still want other vagina? Think Millionx!
17. Women who are pleasant, sweet & polite as men praise them are subtle, manipulative & worse drama queen! Time to select bossy!
18. Complication is like food allergies. How would you know if the food might be delicious if you don't taste it? Even that food is forbidden, but fight for it, eventually your body will get use to it.
19. I deal men like a glass- either a half-full or brim-full. So less or too much is not good. So I know who's sincere and trying hard.
20. Dating is like football. They like it dirty, enjoy art of shaking their balls & skin-to-skin on the ground. Esp if you offer 'foot' fisting.
21. Pass. Never look back. Learn from the past but don't try to relive it. Life's too full of new opportunities. Now,looking at the present scenario.
22. Quick advice to dating. You get to meet different gregarious testosterones and who knows the surprises, a loving cum gets stuck in your ass.
24. Having sex with a stranger is like eating bukakke Sushi (rare), a T-bone steak (medium) if it's dating & (well-done) Turkey if you're married.
25. I don't scrutinize anybody, I'm here just like the rest but I live by the motto "Hitting two birds with one stone", to understand specially men's bahaviour and who knows I get to meet my Mr Right. I'm a hopeless romantic.
26. So we are who we are, respect, learn and explore! So be scared of my "V" tongue knife made from Kyocera. So think before fucking my inbox. At least I give warning!
27. I don't humiliate anybody, I say what I want with facts. Bullying is for losers.
28. I don't have second personality or living in a double life- so stop calling me insecure or bitter because I never was. I don't buy men's bullock. I'm absolutely not for free-definitely not for sale, so be yourself.
29. Men love sports, and some like dirty games. They're addicted to lies and deceit, so they can play their masculinity role.
30. I can't never be a mistress only if there's emotional involvement or engage friends with benefits because I will never disrespect my value and worth as a person. Vowing celibacy is the best option.
A lamb trapped in a lion's body. Some say I'm a provocative woman with freaky big brains and ugly duckling looks, and I'm always up for trying something new.
Have a happy landing fuck-bender!
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Are modern women settling for Mr Average?
When a survey came out the other day, reported in the Daily Mail, which revealed that all modern women want these days is a Mr Average, my phone started ringing off the hook.
Not from "Mr Averages" wanting a date, but rather from radio stations and media outlets across the country wanting to know whether or not this is true.
"Are women really shunning the traditional tall, dark, handsome male?" many of the hosts asked in astonishment.
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"And does this mean that more and more women are just settling for less?"
Well, no. But a little more on that in a minute. First, let's look at the survey. While we're cautioned not to believe every statistic we read, it seems a OnePoll survey of 3000 women of all ages, sponsored by soft drinks manufacturer Orangina, found some startling facts.
The favourable male on the block apparently these days is no longer the tall, handsome knight who is a young, able, hot-to-trot banker-type.
Instead he is aged between 30 to 45, is five feet, 10 inches tall or less, has dark hair (still a prerequisite?), can cook (ahem), has a job (!) and does something creative or is in the arts.
Seriously. Now, there are a myriad reasons as to why there has been this major shift in the modern female preference for males. Firstly, let's take a look at where the modern blokes are at. The average marriage age for men in Australia in 2001 (according to the ABS) is now 31, up from 26 in 1981.
Which means that not only are more and more women having to stay single a lot longer in order to find a man who is finally willing to commit, but more and more men feel they have a right to play the field for as long as their hearts desire without societal pressures to get hitched for eternity.
This has created a grave new dilemma: the traditional Mr Rights (tall, handsome, successful), are getting way too used to hopping from one woman to another, getting casual sex on the cheap and never having to put in too much effort to getting what they want. This is so much so that, by the time they reach an age suitable for commitment, many don't have the know-how nor the urge to settle down.
One such gent in his 30s confirmed to me many women's worst fears: he's just not interested in settling down with just one person ... ever.
"Why ruin all the fun?" he told me, all the while fielding calls and text messages from a gaggle of women all vying to get into his pants.
Which leaves women with the predicament: where have all the eligible men gone? Perhaps this is the reason the survey found that more women are keen to go for a Mr Average. Maybe this sort of gent doesn't have all the options available to him and is willing to forego a life of "playerdom" for a life of coupledom without fear of consequence or disdain at having to curb his wondering eye.
I don't see these men, to whom modern women are preferring to get hitched, as Mr Averages at all. Nor do I see this as "settling for less" on a woman's part either.
In fact, on closer inspection of men in their 20s and 30s who finally decided to settle down with just one woman, it seems they all had one thing in common: they weren't afraid to "man up" when they met the woman who they felt was right for them.
Instead, they told me they couldn't imagine their lives without her and therefore did everything in their power to get her, keep her and commit to her for the long haul.
"All the hooking up in the world with random women didn't seem worth it to me any more when I met someone who I wanted to put in all my effort with," said Jed, a 29-year-old real-estate agent.
And he bought an engagement ring to prove it.
So is he a Mr Average? I bet not. But the reality is that when a man actually decides to "man up" and go after what he wants without hesitation or fear that his independence might be curtailed, he is to me more of a Mr Right than any of the good-looking players I know.
So perhaps the shift in the dating zeitgeist is not a case of women "settling" for a Mr Average, but rather a case of modern women wising up; refusing to chase players, and never settling for being treated second best ...
Not from "Mr Averages" wanting a date, but rather from radio stations and media outlets across the country wanting to know whether or not this is true.
"Are women really shunning the traditional tall, dark, handsome male?" many of the hosts asked in astonishment.
Advertisement: Story continues below
"And does this mean that more and more women are just settling for less?"
Well, no. But a little more on that in a minute. First, let's look at the survey. While we're cautioned not to believe every statistic we read, it seems a OnePoll survey of 3000 women of all ages, sponsored by soft drinks manufacturer Orangina, found some startling facts.
The favourable male on the block apparently these days is no longer the tall, handsome knight who is a young, able, hot-to-trot banker-type.
Instead he is aged between 30 to 45, is five feet, 10 inches tall or less, has dark hair (still a prerequisite?), can cook (ahem), has a job (!) and does something creative or is in the arts.
Seriously. Now, there are a myriad reasons as to why there has been this major shift in the modern female preference for males. Firstly, let's take a look at where the modern blokes are at. The average marriage age for men in Australia in 2001 (according to the ABS) is now 31, up from 26 in 1981.
Which means that not only are more and more women having to stay single a lot longer in order to find a man who is finally willing to commit, but more and more men feel they have a right to play the field for as long as their hearts desire without societal pressures to get hitched for eternity.
This has created a grave new dilemma: the traditional Mr Rights (tall, handsome, successful), are getting way too used to hopping from one woman to another, getting casual sex on the cheap and never having to put in too much effort to getting what they want. This is so much so that, by the time they reach an age suitable for commitment, many don't have the know-how nor the urge to settle down.
One such gent in his 30s confirmed to me many women's worst fears: he's just not interested in settling down with just one person ... ever.
"Why ruin all the fun?" he told me, all the while fielding calls and text messages from a gaggle of women all vying to get into his pants.
Which leaves women with the predicament: where have all the eligible men gone? Perhaps this is the reason the survey found that more women are keen to go for a Mr Average. Maybe this sort of gent doesn't have all the options available to him and is willing to forego a life of "playerdom" for a life of coupledom without fear of consequence or disdain at having to curb his wondering eye.
I don't see these men, to whom modern women are preferring to get hitched, as Mr Averages at all. Nor do I see this as "settling for less" on a woman's part either.
In fact, on closer inspection of men in their 20s and 30s who finally decided to settle down with just one woman, it seems they all had one thing in common: they weren't afraid to "man up" when they met the woman who they felt was right for them.
Instead, they told me they couldn't imagine their lives without her and therefore did everything in their power to get her, keep her and commit to her for the long haul.
"All the hooking up in the world with random women didn't seem worth it to me any more when I met someone who I wanted to put in all my effort with," said Jed, a 29-year-old real-estate agent.
And he bought an engagement ring to prove it.
So is he a Mr Average? I bet not. But the reality is that when a man actually decides to "man up" and go after what he wants without hesitation or fear that his independence might be curtailed, he is to me more of a Mr Right than any of the good-looking players I know.
So perhaps the shift in the dating zeitgeist is not a case of women "settling" for a Mr Average, but rather a case of modern women wising up; refusing to chase players, and never settling for being treated second best ...
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Does marriage really ruin a relationship?
Charlie Sheen thinks marriage ruins relationships. Apparently the thrice-wed former star of Two and a Half Men told Wendy Williams on her talk show in the US that, by ordaining a relationship "with a piece of paper" it only "makes things worse … because those relationships, I want to say they were pretty good before the marriage and then something happens".
(Could that "something" be violence, drugs or affairs with "goddesses" as he calls them?)
While rumours abound of Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore's marriage being in jeopardy, I thought it appropriate to mention one of Kutcher's quotes in the hilarious film Just Married, in which his character Tom shares Sheen's sentiment, intoning this.
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"I had the perfect relationship ... that was ruined by marriage," he says.
My girlfriend Sarah reckons both blokes are right on the money. So much so that she's decided to ditch the institution altogether and have a relationship without the ring, the waltz down the aisle or the piece of paper to prove her love.
"Why ruin a good thing?" she says of her decade-long relationship. "We're like Brad and Angelina."
"Also," she adds, "I just don't like the concept of 'forever' … "
When I asked her boyfriend for his thoughts, he said that, while he would not mind getting hitched one day, he doesn't need marriage either.
"The moment Sarah moved in with me three years ago, I saw us as a team. I hope that I can work hard enough for both of us so she never has to worry about anything."
How long should a marriage last?
All this had me a little confused. Isn't marriage supposed to bring two people closer together? Isn't marriage supposed to be a wonderful institution that confirms the love and bond between two people, binding them together in holy matrimony till death to them part?
Apparently not. So much so that, recently, Mexico City politicians banded together to look at putting in place a new form of marriage contract. The premise is that a marriage will have to last for only two years before both parties have the opportunity to pull out – no strings attached.
The Guardian newspaper reported Leonel Luna, the Mexico City assembly member who co-authored the bill as saying: "The proposal is, when the two-year period is up, if the relationship is not stable or harmonious, the contract simply ends."
Modern couples have no idea of the meaning of marriage
While marriage might need to have an expiry date in order to work, according to an article in The Washington Post last year, the reason so many get divorced is not because they chose the wrong person, but rather simply because "they just don't know how to be married".
So what really causes relationship break-downs? Surely it can't be marriage itself?
In a recent survey of divorce lawyers in the US, carried out by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, two-thirds of respondents cited Facebook as the "primary source" of evidence in divorce proceedings.
Which doesn't come as a surprise really. According to a global Nielsen social media report in the US, 10.3 Australians visited the website in the month of August and Australians are spending a whopping seven hours and 17 minutes on Facebook per month.
My girlfriend Ashley concurs with the lawyers, telling me on the weekend that she's taken herself off the social networking website because it "ruins relationships. I don't want to ruin things with my boyfriend so I'm no longer on it. It only causes havoc."
She might be right.
Then there's sex. "No sex please; we're married," has become a common phrase related to sexless marriages. Yep, apparently one's sex life wanes once a couple gets hitched. Passion appears to go out the window, especially when kids, mortgages and everyday stresses enter the equation.
And when there's no sex to bind a couple together, a friendship might just not be enough to sustain a long-term marriage.
Of course there are a myriad reasons as to why relationships end, including jealously, porn, addictions, weight gain, affairs, cheating, exes, stress, kids, violence, meddling in-laws ... the list can go on and on.
But marriage? Does that really ruin a good relationship?
I doubt it and I certainly hope not. But I have yet to find out …
(Could that "something" be violence, drugs or affairs with "goddesses" as he calls them?)
While rumours abound of Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore's marriage being in jeopardy, I thought it appropriate to mention one of Kutcher's quotes in the hilarious film Just Married, in which his character Tom shares Sheen's sentiment, intoning this.
Advertisement: Story continues below
"I had the perfect relationship ... that was ruined by marriage," he says.
My girlfriend Sarah reckons both blokes are right on the money. So much so that she's decided to ditch the institution altogether and have a relationship without the ring, the waltz down the aisle or the piece of paper to prove her love.
"Why ruin a good thing?" she says of her decade-long relationship. "We're like Brad and Angelina."
"Also," she adds, "I just don't like the concept of 'forever' … "
When I asked her boyfriend for his thoughts, he said that, while he would not mind getting hitched one day, he doesn't need marriage either.
"The moment Sarah moved in with me three years ago, I saw us as a team. I hope that I can work hard enough for both of us so she never has to worry about anything."
How long should a marriage last?
All this had me a little confused. Isn't marriage supposed to bring two people closer together? Isn't marriage supposed to be a wonderful institution that confirms the love and bond between two people, binding them together in holy matrimony till death to them part?
Apparently not. So much so that, recently, Mexico City politicians banded together to look at putting in place a new form of marriage contract. The premise is that a marriage will have to last for only two years before both parties have the opportunity to pull out – no strings attached.
The Guardian newspaper reported Leonel Luna, the Mexico City assembly member who co-authored the bill as saying: "The proposal is, when the two-year period is up, if the relationship is not stable or harmonious, the contract simply ends."
Modern couples have no idea of the meaning of marriage
While marriage might need to have an expiry date in order to work, according to an article in The Washington Post last year, the reason so many get divorced is not because they chose the wrong person, but rather simply because "they just don't know how to be married".
So what really causes relationship break-downs? Surely it can't be marriage itself?
In a recent survey of divorce lawyers in the US, carried out by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, two-thirds of respondents cited Facebook as the "primary source" of evidence in divorce proceedings.
Which doesn't come as a surprise really. According to a global Nielsen social media report in the US, 10.3 Australians visited the website in the month of August and Australians are spending a whopping seven hours and 17 minutes on Facebook per month.
My girlfriend Ashley concurs with the lawyers, telling me on the weekend that she's taken herself off the social networking website because it "ruins relationships. I don't want to ruin things with my boyfriend so I'm no longer on it. It only causes havoc."
She might be right.
Then there's sex. "No sex please; we're married," has become a common phrase related to sexless marriages. Yep, apparently one's sex life wanes once a couple gets hitched. Passion appears to go out the window, especially when kids, mortgages and everyday stresses enter the equation.
And when there's no sex to bind a couple together, a friendship might just not be enough to sustain a long-term marriage.
Of course there are a myriad reasons as to why relationships end, including jealously, porn, addictions, weight gain, affairs, cheating, exes, stress, kids, violence, meddling in-laws ... the list can go on and on.
But marriage? Does that really ruin a good relationship?
I doubt it and I certainly hope not. But I have yet to find out …
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Sexual economics: Price of sex hits all time low.
In today's volatile economic climate, there's one highly sought-after commodity that has apparently dropped in price to a record low: sex.
Yep, apparently women are giving up more easily, readily and eagerly than ever before, without expectations of commitment, dinners, relationships or even a second date.
"No wooing, dating, goofy text messaging," reported the New York Post in response to a new study on the price of sex, carried out by the University of Minnesota.
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"Hooray!" yell the blokes in glee, concurring with the statistics.
"Yes, it's not hard to find a woman who will hop into bed with you on the first night," says Ben, 32.
"That's what I did on the weekend," nods Harriet, 35, in agreement. "Why should a guy have to buy me a drink? I want sex just as much as the next guy and if he's willing to go for it, why not? By the way, we've since been hanging out so it wasn't even such a bad decision after all."
It appears she's not alone. According to the study, 25 per cent of women nowadays are giving it up within the first week of dating.
And the men?
The study found that 30 per cent of young men are seeking relationships based purely on sex without commitment, emotional attachment, wooing, courtship or traditional dating values.
Blame it on the poor economy, or the availability of cheap sex, but it seems many women aren't exactly revelling in having to put out so cheaply, quickly and routinely.
So why are they doing it?
There are a multitude of reasons.
Firstly, everyone else is doing it. And when all your peers are sleeping with men in order to get a date, find love or attempt to fall into a relationship with them, other women feel the need to do the same to keep up. After all, apparently there just aren't enough men to go around.
As Ben tells me: "There's slutty behaviour in cities with an imbalance between men and women. But it also has a lot to do with culture. Women just don't place that much value on sex any more."
Supply and demand is something I've written about in this column before. There are more single women in the US, Australia and Britain than ever before, outnumbering single males.
Secondly, as culture (and my friend Harriet) dictate; women can be just as sexually empowered as men and therefore, if they want it, why not do it?
But here's the caveat: despite what society might tell us, the universal truth is that often while men want sex, women want love. And on closer inspection, it seems all this female bed-hopping is more to do about a woman's expectations than empowerment.
I'm not going to go into all the reasons as to why women struggle with this concept (oxytocin, hormones, expectations?) but we often talk in this column about what men want. True, men want sex while women want love. And yes, there are many women out there who then believe that, by giving a man sex, they'll gain love in return.
No such luck, or at least not most of the time.
So what else does a woman have to offer? Perhaps many should start looking at themselves, not just their sexual prowess.
A recent article in the Huffington Post stated the top five things that men actually do want from a woman, and surprise, surprise, it's not just the horizontal hanky panky they're all after.
Instead, says Nicole Forrester, a sports psychologist consultant, there are five (other) things men look for in a woman, including attraction (and that doesn't mean she needs to "look like a Barbie doll or an air-brushed model"); independence, fun, sanity, and support.
I adore the advice book by ex-pimp and author Big Boom whose title of his book says this: "If you want closure in your relationships, start with your legs".
Enough said?
Yep, apparently women are giving up more easily, readily and eagerly than ever before, without expectations of commitment, dinners, relationships or even a second date.
"No wooing, dating, goofy text messaging," reported the New York Post in response to a new study on the price of sex, carried out by the University of Minnesota.
Advertisement: Story continues below
"Hooray!" yell the blokes in glee, concurring with the statistics.
"Yes, it's not hard to find a woman who will hop into bed with you on the first night," says Ben, 32.
"That's what I did on the weekend," nods Harriet, 35, in agreement. "Why should a guy have to buy me a drink? I want sex just as much as the next guy and if he's willing to go for it, why not? By the way, we've since been hanging out so it wasn't even such a bad decision after all."
It appears she's not alone. According to the study, 25 per cent of women nowadays are giving it up within the first week of dating.
And the men?
The study found that 30 per cent of young men are seeking relationships based purely on sex without commitment, emotional attachment, wooing, courtship or traditional dating values.
Blame it on the poor economy, or the availability of cheap sex, but it seems many women aren't exactly revelling in having to put out so cheaply, quickly and routinely.
So why are they doing it?
There are a multitude of reasons.
Firstly, everyone else is doing it. And when all your peers are sleeping with men in order to get a date, find love or attempt to fall into a relationship with them, other women feel the need to do the same to keep up. After all, apparently there just aren't enough men to go around.
As Ben tells me: "There's slutty behaviour in cities with an imbalance between men and women. But it also has a lot to do with culture. Women just don't place that much value on sex any more."
Supply and demand is something I've written about in this column before. There are more single women in the US, Australia and Britain than ever before, outnumbering single males.
Secondly, as culture (and my friend Harriet) dictate; women can be just as sexually empowered as men and therefore, if they want it, why not do it?
But here's the caveat: despite what society might tell us, the universal truth is that often while men want sex, women want love. And on closer inspection, it seems all this female bed-hopping is more to do about a woman's expectations than empowerment.
I'm not going to go into all the reasons as to why women struggle with this concept (oxytocin, hormones, expectations?) but we often talk in this column about what men want. True, men want sex while women want love. And yes, there are many women out there who then believe that, by giving a man sex, they'll gain love in return.
No such luck, or at least not most of the time.
So what else does a woman have to offer? Perhaps many should start looking at themselves, not just their sexual prowess.
A recent article in the Huffington Post stated the top five things that men actually do want from a woman, and surprise, surprise, it's not just the horizontal hanky panky they're all after.
Instead, says Nicole Forrester, a sports psychologist consultant, there are five (other) things men look for in a woman, including attraction (and that doesn't mean she needs to "look like a Barbie doll or an air-brushed model"); independence, fun, sanity, and support.
I adore the advice book by ex-pimp and author Big Boom whose title of his book says this: "If you want closure in your relationships, start with your legs".
Enough said?
Monday, September 26, 2011
Confessions of a Player
"Monogamy bores me terribly," intoned France's first lady Carla Bruni in an interview last year.
"Monogamy is making us miserable!" concurred a story in London's Telegraph more recently, which outlined the reasons for and against being with one person for the rest of your life, till death do you part.
Interestingly enough, the story spoke about those who have dabbled in open relationships, and those who have stuck firmly to their vows, despite how miserable they might get. The conclusion? Those who stuck it out for the long haul with just one person found greater happiness than those who decided that infidelity might make things more "exciting".
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I used to think that it was men who struggled greatly with monogamy, but over the past few years statistics have revealed that women cheat just as much as men; they're just better at hiding it.
Nevertheless, when it comes to monogamy, an unofficial poll around my office revealed that, while most women can't wait to get hitched in holy matrimony for the rest of time (it's in our biological make-up to strive to do so), the men are shunning it for as long as possible.
And so men can. After all, with no biological clock to worry about and with time being on their side, why should they bow down to societal norms if they don't have to? Because, let's face it, the older a man gets, the better his stock price becomes.
A 35-year-old man can date women 10 years younger or 10 years older; it doesn't matter. Women on the other hand have it a little (OK, a lot) tougher. The older we get, the fewer options we seem to have.
I've studied men for almost a decade. And, still, the startling revelations of a candid player at the weekend had me stumped. All I could think of as he regaled me with stories of his sex life was … really? Is this really what goes on inside the mind of the average man?
As I sat at the dinner table with three such types - all single, all in their 30s, all going through women faster than they change their underwear - I had to ask the hard questions. And they were only too happy to answer them.
"So, what are your thoughts on monogamy?" I asked one.
"I don't really know. Maybe it's impossible. Because it's the same with every guy: whenever we look at a woman, all we think about is having sex with her.
"Every girl?" I asked, perplexed.
"Yes. Every guy has a thought about what the girl looks like naked. In fact, whenever a guy looks at a girl, usually all he thinks about is having sex with her. Every single guy. It's our testosterone talking. It's just the way it goes. From then on, it all depends on what she is going to have to offer."
The other men sitting at the table nodded in agreement. "Yep," they said. "That's correct."
"So then what happens?" I asked.
"Well, I test women," said the first guy. "I want someone who is going to be able to keep up with me. I want the mental stimulation. If there is a little hook that can bite, that is what is going to keep me interested. But most of the time there might not be anything. But I still just want to try, try, try. It's like a mission impossible: can I get her in the sack or not? The point of it is simply the conquest. To know that you have slept with her. It's that little thrill of chasing. If it's a tough nut to crack and if you manage to crack it, you know it's another experience you've dealt with. Then if another nut comes along that is even harder to crack, you've already learnt how to crack it."
"And then?"
"Once you do crack that nut, so to speak, you can get over it [her] pretty quickly. A lot of times it's that thrill of the chase and that little accomplishment that you're after. After that, sometimes you can want more but generally you don't. I'll either tell her that I'm not ready for anything serious or I'll just ignore the person. Sometimes it's like they never existed."
"What about the women? Surely after you've put in all that effort to woo them they would be really upset if you just stopped talking to them?"
"If they get upset because they say they liked you, then I think that she's just a sad girl. It takes a lot more to start to like someone properly. There's a long-term sort of thing; that's what getting to know what this person is really about. Sometimes you sense that there are some girls you might have to impress a little bit more … but you don't mind because there might be a conclusion. With others you couldn't be bothered to invest in any time, but you still try and just see if they're going to jump on the hook, and, if not, then you couldn't be bothered and move on to the next."
"So what are you looking for then?"
"I want to settle down, but at this point I don't feel the need to go out with someone to validate myself," piped up another man at the table. "I am not going to go out with just anyone. I'd rather be single and be my own person than be engaged in a relationship half-heartedly, otherwise I will cheat on them. It comes to the point where you realise you're wasting your time."
"I have an amazing girl," said the first guy as he was fiddling with his BlackBerry.
"Really? And can I ask how long it took you to sleep with her?"
"Oh we haven't slept together yet," he said. "I enjoy the mental stimulation she gives me. I don't even think about sleeping with her when I'm around her."
His BlackBerry suddenly beeped. "That's her now," he said. "Excuse me."
As he left the table to take her call, I began to wonder … is monogamy really that bad? Is it so boring? Or have we simply not met the right person who is going to make us want to wake up next to them every day for the rest of our lives? And will men ever really be able to stop looking at every woman like a conquest? Or, are we as a modern society, just doomed?
"Here's my advice for women," he said, returning to the table.
"Lay your cards out on the table with what you want. If a guy runs, he's simply not the right guy for you."
He added: "And women need to strive to have a life without a man. Because, once you find someone, it's not one life you live, it's three: your own, their own and your life together. And if you get the equation right, monogamy doesn't seem to bad after all."
Wise words from a player ...
"Monogamy is making us miserable!" concurred a story in London's Telegraph more recently, which outlined the reasons for and against being with one person for the rest of your life, till death do you part.
Interestingly enough, the story spoke about those who have dabbled in open relationships, and those who have stuck firmly to their vows, despite how miserable they might get. The conclusion? Those who stuck it out for the long haul with just one person found greater happiness than those who decided that infidelity might make things more "exciting".
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I used to think that it was men who struggled greatly with monogamy, but over the past few years statistics have revealed that women cheat just as much as men; they're just better at hiding it.
Nevertheless, when it comes to monogamy, an unofficial poll around my office revealed that, while most women can't wait to get hitched in holy matrimony for the rest of time (it's in our biological make-up to strive to do so), the men are shunning it for as long as possible.
And so men can. After all, with no biological clock to worry about and with time being on their side, why should they bow down to societal norms if they don't have to? Because, let's face it, the older a man gets, the better his stock price becomes.
A 35-year-old man can date women 10 years younger or 10 years older; it doesn't matter. Women on the other hand have it a little (OK, a lot) tougher. The older we get, the fewer options we seem to have.
I've studied men for almost a decade. And, still, the startling revelations of a candid player at the weekend had me stumped. All I could think of as he regaled me with stories of his sex life was … really? Is this really what goes on inside the mind of the average man?
As I sat at the dinner table with three such types - all single, all in their 30s, all going through women faster than they change their underwear - I had to ask the hard questions. And they were only too happy to answer them.
"So, what are your thoughts on monogamy?" I asked one.
"I don't really know. Maybe it's impossible. Because it's the same with every guy: whenever we look at a woman, all we think about is having sex with her.
"Every girl?" I asked, perplexed.
"Yes. Every guy has a thought about what the girl looks like naked. In fact, whenever a guy looks at a girl, usually all he thinks about is having sex with her. Every single guy. It's our testosterone talking. It's just the way it goes. From then on, it all depends on what she is going to have to offer."
The other men sitting at the table nodded in agreement. "Yep," they said. "That's correct."
"So then what happens?" I asked.
"Well, I test women," said the first guy. "I want someone who is going to be able to keep up with me. I want the mental stimulation. If there is a little hook that can bite, that is what is going to keep me interested. But most of the time there might not be anything. But I still just want to try, try, try. It's like a mission impossible: can I get her in the sack or not? The point of it is simply the conquest. To know that you have slept with her. It's that little thrill of chasing. If it's a tough nut to crack and if you manage to crack it, you know it's another experience you've dealt with. Then if another nut comes along that is even harder to crack, you've already learnt how to crack it."
"And then?"
"Once you do crack that nut, so to speak, you can get over it [her] pretty quickly. A lot of times it's that thrill of the chase and that little accomplishment that you're after. After that, sometimes you can want more but generally you don't. I'll either tell her that I'm not ready for anything serious or I'll just ignore the person. Sometimes it's like they never existed."
"What about the women? Surely after you've put in all that effort to woo them they would be really upset if you just stopped talking to them?"
"If they get upset because they say they liked you, then I think that she's just a sad girl. It takes a lot more to start to like someone properly. There's a long-term sort of thing; that's what getting to know what this person is really about. Sometimes you sense that there are some girls you might have to impress a little bit more … but you don't mind because there might be a conclusion. With others you couldn't be bothered to invest in any time, but you still try and just see if they're going to jump on the hook, and, if not, then you couldn't be bothered and move on to the next."
"So what are you looking for then?"
"I want to settle down, but at this point I don't feel the need to go out with someone to validate myself," piped up another man at the table. "I am not going to go out with just anyone. I'd rather be single and be my own person than be engaged in a relationship half-heartedly, otherwise I will cheat on them. It comes to the point where you realise you're wasting your time."
"I have an amazing girl," said the first guy as he was fiddling with his BlackBerry.
"Really? And can I ask how long it took you to sleep with her?"
"Oh we haven't slept together yet," he said. "I enjoy the mental stimulation she gives me. I don't even think about sleeping with her when I'm around her."
His BlackBerry suddenly beeped. "That's her now," he said. "Excuse me."
As he left the table to take her call, I began to wonder … is monogamy really that bad? Is it so boring? Or have we simply not met the right person who is going to make us want to wake up next to them every day for the rest of our lives? And will men ever really be able to stop looking at every woman like a conquest? Or, are we as a modern society, just doomed?
"Here's my advice for women," he said, returning to the table.
"Lay your cards out on the table with what you want. If a guy runs, he's simply not the right guy for you."
He added: "And women need to strive to have a life without a man. Because, once you find someone, it's not one life you live, it's three: your own, their own and your life together. And if you get the equation right, monogamy doesn't seem to bad after all."
Wise words from a player ...
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
It's not him... it's YOU
Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are back in the news. This time Pitt has come out and called his ex-wife "dull", telling US magazine Parade that in his marriage he felt rather pathetic and spent his life with her sitting on the couch, smoking weed and hiding from the world. (He's since spent the past few days back-pedalling big time!)
While we've long wondered exactly why Pitt made such a hasty exit from the gorgeous Aniston (surely Angelina Jolie couldn't have been that convincing?), all this makes me wonder: who really is at fault when relationships go sour? The man in having too many expectations and not being able to be monogamous? Or the woman showing some startling behavioural traits that make a man want to run for the nearest exit and never look back?
Just in case you're wondering, here's a startling revelation: I don't believe all men are bastards. Seriously.
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Yes, I've been cheated on, lied to, been given false hopes and been told that he's in love with me, only to discover he's been dating someone else all along. (True story.)
But if you're constantly finding yourself dumped by yet another man you've dubbed a "douchebag" who gives you a spurious reason (or no reason at all but, instead, simply decides one day to go MIA and then moves on without a word), then think about it this way … it might not be them, it might in fact be you.
Or at least that's the theory of Dr Michelle Callahan, TV host, psychologist and author of Ms. Typed: Stop Sabotaging Your Relationships and Find Dating Success.
"You may be sabotaging yourself with men and not even realising it," she writes.
She says there are eight types of female personalities that deter blokes from wanting to commit.
Reading through her list, I chuckled at some, was appalled by others, and definitely recognised all eight in the women who constantly whine and complain to me that all men are bastards.
The problem with being one of these women, says Callahan, is that Mr Right could easily pass you by.
"You could miss out on the man because he's ready for you but you're not ready for him. This could be the man you've been hoping and praying for but if you and your life are a mess, in his healthy state of mind he might decide to move on. Men aren't going to want to date you if you're a hot mess on the inside or the outside. So why not spend time when you're single working on being the best you can and resolving your own 'issues' so that, when he shows up, you're ready?"
The issues she describes in the book are below. My thoughts follow on each … What are yours?
Ms Second place: "She allows herself to be a low priority in a man's life."
True, men have work, mates, sports and their own independence to take care of. But when you're constantly being delegated to second place in his life, things aren't exactly so peaches and cream for you. I'm not quite sure why so many women decide that they'd be better off being in second place than having no man at all. Especially when there are plenty of men out there who will happily put you first. But heed a word of advice: no amount of nagging or cajoling is going to make him change his mind.
Ms Sex Machine: "She settles for physical intimacy when she really wants an emotional connection."
Recent stats came out from the University of Iowa saying that casual sex can indeed lead to something more meaningful and lasting.
Journalists the world over picked up the story in haste declaring that sex on the first date is back! That more women should break the rules! That we should live our lives according to how we want, rather than a set of stringent rules! Well, guess what? Sleeping with a dude before you've created a real connection can never go well. Women go crazy (thanks to oxytocin), the men get cocky ("I've had her … next!") and all goes to hell in a hand basket. I'm not advocating being a prude, but if you are not yet sure of his intentions, you better make damn well sure you find out before you hop into the sack with him.
Ms Soul Mate: "She so wants to be in love that she mistakes every date for 'the one'."
Ah, the soul mate searcher, also known as the "husband hunter", "boyfriend searcher" or "desperate singleton". Men complain to me about these types of women all too often.
"It's become a sport for these women," says one lothario. "I see them out at the bar: they're looking anxiously for their husband and it seems any man will do as long as they have a job and a credit card. It's not appealing at all. I worry about these women."
Ladies, what happened to getting to know someone? To working out whether or not he's good enough for you, rather than constantly trying to prove that you're good enough for him?
While societal pressures these days force women to believe that they must find a man urgently, settle down and have babies before it's too late, if you slow down to smell the roses and actually get to know yourself and the men you date before deciding they're "the one", you might be able to avoid all this "hunting" behaviour and actually snag a decent one.
Ms Drama Queen: "She only dates bad boys and unavailable men."
I've seen this behaviour, often stemming from deep-rooted father issues, being played out all too often. These women don't trust men and don't believe that there are any good ones out there.
Feeling "safe" in a relationship isn't an option. So they choose the baddest bloke of the bunch, believing that they deserve to be treated the way these men treat them because that's the only thing they know. Things inevitably spiral out of control and they find themselves dating yet another (often worse) bad boy who refuses to commit, is emotionally abusive and, worst of all, just doesn't give a shit.
Sounds charming, doesn't it?
Ms Mom: "She makes it a priority to fix her man's life instead of her own."
True, many women would love to "fix" their blokes. And yes, there are many women out there whom psychologists would dub innate "rescuers". Hence they go about finding a man with flaws so big they feel their mission in life is to fix them and then all will be right in the world and their relationship.
While there's nothing wrong with helping a man grow, change and advance, the trouble occurs when the man simply doesn't want to be fixed, and the woman's left feeling under-appreciated and worthless. The key here is to finding your own self worth elsewhere (preferably within) and attracting a man who already has his life together.
Ms Anaconda: "She's so needy, she suffocates every man she dates."
Almost 100 per cent of men I interview say the top turn-off in a woman is if she's needy. The only solution? Get a life, pronto.
Ms Independent: "She's been hurt before and won't let her guard down."
These are most single women I know. With the marriage age being delayed and more and more single girls out there than ever before attempting to navigate the sticky world of dating, we've seen more bad male behaviour than we'd care to have witnessed in a lifetime.
The only choice we've had? To become so independent that it doesn't matter whether he's there or not.
Somehow I don't think this personality trait is such a bad thing. In fact, the other day I saw Eva Longoria tell Ellen DeGeneres on her show that, after her divorce from Tony Parker, she learnt the most important lesson of all: modern women should never define themselves by a man.
"Women are socially constructed to put their identity with a man or their marriage," she said. "But it's important for women to have an identity without either."
Amen to that ...
Read more: http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/life/blogs/ask-sam/its-not-him-its-you-20110921-1kkfp.html#ixzz1YdaQo5DA
While we've long wondered exactly why Pitt made such a hasty exit from the gorgeous Aniston (surely Angelina Jolie couldn't have been that convincing?), all this makes me wonder: who really is at fault when relationships go sour? The man in having too many expectations and not being able to be monogamous? Or the woman showing some startling behavioural traits that make a man want to run for the nearest exit and never look back?
Just in case you're wondering, here's a startling revelation: I don't believe all men are bastards. Seriously.
Advertisement: Story continues below
Yes, I've been cheated on, lied to, been given false hopes and been told that he's in love with me, only to discover he's been dating someone else all along. (True story.)
But if you're constantly finding yourself dumped by yet another man you've dubbed a "douchebag" who gives you a spurious reason (or no reason at all but, instead, simply decides one day to go MIA and then moves on without a word), then think about it this way … it might not be them, it might in fact be you.
Or at least that's the theory of Dr Michelle Callahan, TV host, psychologist and author of Ms. Typed: Stop Sabotaging Your Relationships and Find Dating Success.
"You may be sabotaging yourself with men and not even realising it," she writes.
She says there are eight types of female personalities that deter blokes from wanting to commit.
Reading through her list, I chuckled at some, was appalled by others, and definitely recognised all eight in the women who constantly whine and complain to me that all men are bastards.
The problem with being one of these women, says Callahan, is that Mr Right could easily pass you by.
"You could miss out on the man because he's ready for you but you're not ready for him. This could be the man you've been hoping and praying for but if you and your life are a mess, in his healthy state of mind he might decide to move on. Men aren't going to want to date you if you're a hot mess on the inside or the outside. So why not spend time when you're single working on being the best you can and resolving your own 'issues' so that, when he shows up, you're ready?"
The issues she describes in the book are below. My thoughts follow on each … What are yours?
Ms Second place: "She allows herself to be a low priority in a man's life."
True, men have work, mates, sports and their own independence to take care of. But when you're constantly being delegated to second place in his life, things aren't exactly so peaches and cream for you. I'm not quite sure why so many women decide that they'd be better off being in second place than having no man at all. Especially when there are plenty of men out there who will happily put you first. But heed a word of advice: no amount of nagging or cajoling is going to make him change his mind.
Ms Sex Machine: "She settles for physical intimacy when she really wants an emotional connection."
Recent stats came out from the University of Iowa saying that casual sex can indeed lead to something more meaningful and lasting.
Journalists the world over picked up the story in haste declaring that sex on the first date is back! That more women should break the rules! That we should live our lives according to how we want, rather than a set of stringent rules! Well, guess what? Sleeping with a dude before you've created a real connection can never go well. Women go crazy (thanks to oxytocin), the men get cocky ("I've had her … next!") and all goes to hell in a hand basket. I'm not advocating being a prude, but if you are not yet sure of his intentions, you better make damn well sure you find out before you hop into the sack with him.
Ms Soul Mate: "She so wants to be in love that she mistakes every date for 'the one'."
Ah, the soul mate searcher, also known as the "husband hunter", "boyfriend searcher" or "desperate singleton". Men complain to me about these types of women all too often.
"It's become a sport for these women," says one lothario. "I see them out at the bar: they're looking anxiously for their husband and it seems any man will do as long as they have a job and a credit card. It's not appealing at all. I worry about these women."
Ladies, what happened to getting to know someone? To working out whether or not he's good enough for you, rather than constantly trying to prove that you're good enough for him?
While societal pressures these days force women to believe that they must find a man urgently, settle down and have babies before it's too late, if you slow down to smell the roses and actually get to know yourself and the men you date before deciding they're "the one", you might be able to avoid all this "hunting" behaviour and actually snag a decent one.
Ms Drama Queen: "She only dates bad boys and unavailable men."
I've seen this behaviour, often stemming from deep-rooted father issues, being played out all too often. These women don't trust men and don't believe that there are any good ones out there.
Feeling "safe" in a relationship isn't an option. So they choose the baddest bloke of the bunch, believing that they deserve to be treated the way these men treat them because that's the only thing they know. Things inevitably spiral out of control and they find themselves dating yet another (often worse) bad boy who refuses to commit, is emotionally abusive and, worst of all, just doesn't give a shit.
Sounds charming, doesn't it?
Ms Mom: "She makes it a priority to fix her man's life instead of her own."
True, many women would love to "fix" their blokes. And yes, there are many women out there whom psychologists would dub innate "rescuers". Hence they go about finding a man with flaws so big they feel their mission in life is to fix them and then all will be right in the world and their relationship.
While there's nothing wrong with helping a man grow, change and advance, the trouble occurs when the man simply doesn't want to be fixed, and the woman's left feeling under-appreciated and worthless. The key here is to finding your own self worth elsewhere (preferably within) and attracting a man who already has his life together.
Ms Anaconda: "She's so needy, she suffocates every man she dates."
Almost 100 per cent of men I interview say the top turn-off in a woman is if she's needy. The only solution? Get a life, pronto.
Ms Independent: "She's been hurt before and won't let her guard down."
These are most single women I know. With the marriage age being delayed and more and more single girls out there than ever before attempting to navigate the sticky world of dating, we've seen more bad male behaviour than we'd care to have witnessed in a lifetime.
The only choice we've had? To become so independent that it doesn't matter whether he's there or not.
Somehow I don't think this personality trait is such a bad thing. In fact, the other day I saw Eva Longoria tell Ellen DeGeneres on her show that, after her divorce from Tony Parker, she learnt the most important lesson of all: modern women should never define themselves by a man.
"Women are socially constructed to put their identity with a man or their marriage," she said. "But it's important for women to have an identity without either."
Amen to that ...
Read more: http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/life/blogs/ask-sam/its-not-him-its-you-20110921-1kkfp.html#ixzz1YdaQo5DA
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