The last word of dating for 2010

It's not often that a year brings us so many ups, downs, twists, turns and sordid affairs as 2010 managed to do.

And what a year it was. We had the rise of recyclable men. Mistresses getting revenge on billboards. The introduction of the Waity Katy syndrome and the answer to why men cheat on hot women.
We learnt how feminism stuffed up your love life, why you should shag 12 people before you settle down and how Katy Perry finally got bad boy Russell Brand to actually settle down. Her secret? You guessed it. She refused to sleep with him.

Want hotter sex (and more attention)? Date younger men. Negotiated infidelity sometimes actually works. Stay away from stringers. Celibacy is in. Sex makes you live longer. The rise of the Omega males. The so-called "masculinity crisis" turning our men into hairless woosies. Shane Warne's sexting shenanigans ... again.

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Yep, it's been quite a year here. Discussed everything from the new female sport of "husband hunting" (which has grown astronomically thanks to the delayed marriage age for Aussie men), to men who lie about their job to get laid. Who can forget the guy who lied to my girlfriend about being a banker but really worked in sales? I certainly haven't. Then there were the sordid affairs of famous blokes like Jesse James, Eva Longoria's husband Tony Parker, David Arquette and Shane Warne ... again.

Some might ask why we do it? Why talk day in, day out about dating, sex and relationships when we end up only going around in circles - never getting anything more than a token text message if you're lucky and an STD if you're not? Why do we all complain, bitch, yearn, moan, gloat, question and obsess about our love lives, lost loves, rekindled loves, new loves, old loves and current loves? Why all the talk about love?
By my reckoning, it boils down to one simple thing: the eternal search for happiness. After all, isn't that what life (and love) is all about?

So I want to pose a question to you today: what really makes you happy? Is it being in a relationship? Being married? Your kids? Being happily single? Committing? Refusing to commit in order to have a life filled with freedom, fun and more sexual escapades than Tiger Woods?

If the Dalai Lama is to be believed, then "happiness is the goal of our lives". So we shouldn't be afraid to chase after it, hunt it down and shout about our quest from the rooftops - no matter what the cost.
According to the Centre of Health and Wellbeing at Princeton University, there actually is a cost - $75,000 to be exact. Yep, researchers have discovered that if you earn more than that amount, you will be happier than your lesser-earning counterparts. (Somehow I very much doubt this one has much merit...)

In lieu of all this talk of happiness, I've decided to showcase some of my favourite emails of the year and I invite you to share with me what makes you happy ... just please don't tell me it's a sports car.

Writes Ms. Envy:
"Just letting you know that my wedding took place on the 6 November 2010. It was located at the State Library of NSW and it was just perfect. I started reading your blog after a terrible break up in 2005 and you know what? I think all your blogs helped me in some small way to realise what love and life should be like! So Cheers to you Sam on helping me find myself and as a bonus Mr Right who I married not long ago!"

Writes another reader:
"Mine has been a happy story. Through a girl I met on this blog, I met my future husband and we are getting married in July next year! :)"
And says Julie:
"Reading your column over the years has proved to me that other people are in the same position as me, and that there are decent people out there looking for the same type of love as me. I have gained confidence and knowledge in the fact that it's really all about my attitude! Changing my attitude when I go out has meant that I'm now meeting men all over the place wherever I go ... including my current boyfriend who spotted me and asked me out while I was walking down the street! He told me he noticed my smile first... and the funny thing was I was just smiling at what a beautiful day it was."

And finally, some questions from readers that I wasn't able to get through this year. Feel free to provide your insight, and I'll see you next year for another great season!

Pat: "Is it just me, or do women seem really, really skanky these days?"
Jack: "Why is it that the moment I express some romantic interest, women take advantage of that circumstance and start to stuff around, in a vulgar, combative and detrimental manner?"
Randy: "Why do we never talk about the benefits of a long term relationship that doesn't get bogged down in selfishness, minor spats and infidelity but just gets better and better every day?  They do exist and I feel there would be much benefit to your readers to hear from people who are in those types of relationships so that they could share their wisdom as it were."
And finally these questions from Tim:

"Why do some dominant alpha males hang around weaker men and try to move in on their girlfriends? Why do some women not like pretty boys at all? Is it true that some people have met the love of their life for five minutes or an evening, yet it lasts them a lifetime? Can love really last a lifetime? All this talk that men only want sex is only partially true......  Ask any male 'if you could sleep with endless models for years but there is no connection, would you be fulfilled'? I bet they would say it would be good for a while but they would get sick of it. And is meeting 'the one' really our goal? Or is there multiple people who we would call 'the one'?

What do you think? What are your new years resolutions? And what really makes you happy? 
Have a fabulous festive season, happy dating and see you in 2011!! Be back last week of January .xx LOVE YOU GUYS!!

Sophia Abella wishes you all a Merry Christmas and a Blessed 2011

Want to stand by your man? Quit working

“The Stepford Wife is making a comeback!” bellowed a headline in the latest issue of Madison magazine. Yep, according to the article, highly educated women should quit their jobs in order to guide and "sculpt" their husbands to professional triumphs (that he might not be able to achieve on his own), and that women should constantly “celebrate his attempts as well as his victories” as their full-time gig.

The story reminded me of the tale of my girlfriend Erika who soon after getting engaged to the man of her dreams, was told he was being posted to New York for a job opportunity that was too good for him to resist. In order to support him, (and act like the “good wife”), Erika quit her job at a top-tier law firm, left behind her friends and her life and swapped it all to support her man.
“It’s for our future,” she insisted before she left. And she’s never looked back.

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I once thought I could do the same. Give it all up to follow a man to another country and let him live out his dreams while I sat on the sidelines and supported him. Deep down, I’d probably known that ditching everything I’d worked so hard for would end up making me feel resentful, miserable and under-appreciated. I also knew that somehow, as much as I would try to make it work, I’d probably end up exiting the relationship to get back to my own passions and living a life that didn’t centre on a man. Which is exactly what ended up happening.

While for some, being the sidekick is a fantastical notion best left to the 1950s housewife, for others it makes complete sense.

Take Michelle Obama. Once the vice-president of the University of Chicago Medical Centre with a degree from Princeton, she gave it all up in 2007 to support her husband's bid for the presidency. Or women like Kate Middleton. Or my friend Erika. Has it worked for them? So far, it seems that indeed it has.

Which is exactly the theory expounded by author Megan Basham in her book Beside Every Successful Man: A Woman’s Guide to Having It All – the book which inspired the Madison mag story.
As I picked up Basham's book the other day, I couldn’t help but wonder if I had made the right move after all. Especially since Basham cites studies that conclude that relationships actually thrive when the bloke sees himself as the breadwinner, despite his university-educated wife having the ability to make more dough than him. Basham also says that if women do follow her advice to quit their careers and focus their skills solely on her man’s career ambitions, that these men will go on to earn a staggering 31 per cent more than if their wives focused on careers of their own.

But is this really what makes men happy? Having an abnegating woman by his side supporting his every move while she ditches her own career ambitions to stay at home and tend to his every whim?  Is this what contributed to the breakdown of my own relationship – the fact that I had a more flourishing career than my partner and didn't put all my energy and focus into his?

I think back to when my partner complained that I always put my work first. That he didn’t want to be second best to anything – especially not my profession. So did I make the wrong decision? I’m still not sure.
Yet as I look at my almost forty-year-old girlfriend who’s switched dating and sex for a life dedicated to her work, I wonder if there is in fact such a thing as a balance. Or if Basham is indeed correct when she tells modern women not to put their careers first. Or even have one at all. That is, if they want to have a happy marriage.

Of course men don’t seem to face these issues. In fact, even Oprah Winfrey mentioned in a break during the live taping of her show the other day at the Opera House, that her partner Stedman and her live very different lives. “He doesn’t come to my work. I don’t go to his,” she said when asked if he had accompanied her to Australia.

Of course I know plenty of men who say that having a successful wife or girlfriend is incredibly sexy, rewarding and such an agreeable quality that they would never give up for all the cookies and home-cooked meals in the world.

But when I am so often being told that I’m not getting any younger, and that I’d better start looking to settle down and get married soon (“You’re going to start sagging and then no-one is going to want you!” a man told me yesterday; while the cab driver the other day said that at my age I should already have two kids under my belt), I wonder if maybe we should be more supportive of our men … if indeed we want a happy one …

Sophia Abella in sexy nude Santabanta

Season about break-ups, feminism and myself

Break-ups
It seems to me that it's the season for break-ups. Megan and Andy. Scarlett and Ryan. Liz and Arun. My long-term boyfriend and I. Sigh. Something about the jolly season makes many stand up, take a stand and decide that they want their lives to move in different directions without having to play it nice with their partner around the Christmas table.

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I'm not the only one noticing this trend. According to a new Facebook survey (apparently the new litmus test for everything) which was carried out by David McCandless and Lee Byron who tracked the words "break up" and "broken up" across 10,000 status updates, splits spike dramatically two weeks before Christmas Day.

But what about when the new year rings in and suddenly you realise you've got no one to pash when the clock strikes midnight? Or to take to your cousin's wedding? Or to complain to when the dishes aren't done, the toilet paper runs out or your boss makes you miserable?

"You always break up for a reason so there's no point in getting back together," a pregnant, married lady said the other night as the rest of us (singles) sat sipping mojitos, talking about our failed relationships.
"You'll never get back together with your ex," she snapped at one of the girls who sat contemplating doing just that … after a two-year hiatus.

"It just doesn't work," she continued.
I wanted to argue, to tell her that I see it all the time; couples who do indeed take a break from each other and then, through some weird twist of fate (or a bout of horniness), decide to jump back into their relationships for better or for worse.

"It's so familiar. It just works!" they say.
"We needed the time to realise how much we love each other."
"You don't realise what you've got until it's gone."

While I'm under no illusions about why people break up, I still think that getting back together sometimes isn't such a bad idea. You both get a chance to grow (separately), to change the things about yourself that you got dumped for (that is if you listened to all their reasons for giving you the flick and do something to change yourself) and, all the while, you get to shag whomever you want to your heart's content while not feeling guilty.
"But the same problems will just arise again," many say, dismissing the idea that it could ever work.
"You quickly realise why you broke up and then you have to go through the pain all over again," say others who've tried the ex-rerun to a result of doom and gloom.

It's sad to think that, while you invest so much of your time, energy and physical being into another person, at the end you both tend dub the relationship a "complete waste of time" as regrets abound.
But perhaps, as He's Not That Into You author Greg Brehrendt says: "It's called a break-up because it's broken."
And it's not that bad when you start evaluating yourself either.

Talking about the glass ceiling
Another year, another analysis of where women are at when it comes to the glass ceiling. This time it's been discovered that 2010 brought about little change or advancement to a woman's status in the corporate boardroom ... in the US at any rate. A study looking at the annual filings made by Fortune 500 companies revealed that 136 of them had no female executives, with women holding just 14.4 per cent of the executive officer positions in 2010. Let's hope for an increase in this stat next year. …

Talking about Oprah
I get it now. Oprah Winfrey fever, that is. While being invited to the taping of her show on Tuesday morning didn't exactly fill me with excitement, I was nevertheless intrigued. And after a few minutes, I quickly realised what all the fuss was about.

Winfrey often deals with extremely shallow subject matter, such as celebrity issues, but how she does it is with extreme class, finesse and realness.

Her first guest, Russell Crowe, didn't just harp on about his yacht, his acting career and his celebrity status (although he did slip in that people at the Opera House wouldn't let him in as they didn't recognise him), but Winfrey encouraged him to talk about his dreams as a young boy desperate for his favourite football team - the South Sydney Rabbitohs - to be on top.

He told her how grateful he was that he could now be part of the team to try to make that happen. He also said he was so passionate about it because he believed that sporting heroes were all about inspiring children to make a difference and strive to be the best they could.

When Jay-Z - rapper, bad boy, billionaire – took to the stage, what could have been a very shallow interview actually brought me (and half the audience) to tears. Encouraged by Winfrey, Jay-Z visited Canterbury Boys High School to inspire the underprivileged kids, while Winfrey got Microsoft to donate $1 million worth of laptops and upgrades to the school. You should have heard the boys scream with delight.

I felt so proud to be an Australian when she spoke about the kindness and generosity of every person she's met so far on her whirlwind tour. Was the taxpayers' expenditure to bring the talk-show queen Down Under worth it? According to O, we'll never know how much value four hours of a "lovefest" of Australia will do for our country, our economy and our tourism industry since her show spans 150 countries on every continent on the planet. I hope that's the case ...

Final word for today on a few subjects I felt I needed to address ...
I love the banter, comments and immense support I get from readers of this column. I wake up each day and am excited to get an email or a text message from someone saying that they read something I wrote and it changed their perspective on their relationships. Or, if they're having a relationship conundrum, I am grateful that they ask me to put their topic to my dear readers to gain some perspective on their lives.
I've had a rough year. I try not to allude to it too often on this blog, which I want to be a collection of responses from readers to the news or their relationships, rather than a soppy story about my life.
For the record (and in response to many of the comments from a column the other day), I love men. They are my best friends, my bosses, my family and my colleagues. I listen as they tell me their real feelings, thoughts and emotional ups and downs and I am grateful they are so often willing to give me their insights.
Sure, I raise issues on this blog that may make it seem as if I feel quite the opposite, but let me assure you I do it only because I want to bring up topics of interest and let other people respond to them through the prism of their own feelings and experiences.

Often, when I write about a topic, readers tell me they've experienced something similar and that reading about it draws the sting for them so they can get on with their lives.
Sure, some people (OK, many people) think that talking about dating and relationships is a frivolous topic, but listen to any conversation anywhere in the world at any time of the day or night and you can rest assured that talk will eventually turn to partnerships, love lives, lost loves and everything in between.
My aim is never to offend, but always to entertain, enlighten and to invite discussion. So in light of all that, always feel free to email me with any queries, questions or topic suggestions … and may 2011 bring you all the love and happiness you deserve.

Sophia Abella poses in Fashion and Glamour Photoshoot Angelina Jolie Inspired

What happens on tour..

There's a mantra among sportsmen, businessmen, grooms-to-be, actors, party boys, players and womanisers alike: "What happens on tour stays on tour."

But when one's tour involves a media entourage and fan club so large it could rival that of Oprah Winfrey's, plus one of the central characters in the sordid story happens to be one of the world's most beautiful women, then someone is bound to get caught out. And the consequences are never going to be pretty.
Case in point is the release of another lascivious tale involving Shane Warne, who this time has been caught locking lips with model and actress Elizabeth Hurley … who is supposedly still married. Eek.

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Yet it seemed that instead of calling her husband, Indian businessman Arun Nayar, after the story broke, Liz got on to Twitter (as all celebrities seem to do these days) and tweeted that her relationship with Nayar had long been over and that only her "close family and friends were aware of this".

Whether or not this statement is true, the real question she should be addressing is this: why the heck would she choose to hook up with Warne as her rebound? Really? Because I can't exactly imagine Warnie being the type of emotional (or physical, or mental) rock that someone might need when they're in the throes of a marital breakdown.

In fact, I'm not exactly quite sure when Warnie became such an in-demand stud. But my gut tells me that it wasn't his good looks that got him laid.
You see, when women are experiencing a relationship break-down and feel extremely low, they become more susceptible to a Don Juan's womanising ways. After all, he knows all the right things to say, how to touch her hair ever so gently so she feels as if they're the only two people in the room, and he knows when exactly to call (and not to call) to make her desperately hanker after him. He would have acted smoothly, stealthily, strategically. And it must have worked because, if rumours have it, Warnie has just spent two days (one session lasting 11 hours) holed up with one of the world's most gorgeous actresses.

I know how these men work because I've experienced it: being on the tail-end of a break-up, you suddenly find yourself going for men who you know aren't anywhere near your standards, but you think: "What the heck?" Because, after all, you're so lonely, vulnerable and a bona fide mess that you rationalise that anyone will do, as long as he is semi-nice to you, has a job and looks nothing like your ex.

Hurley's excuse might have been that she was "on tour" when she met Warne (six months ago at the races) … that she was travelling to Australia and was extremely lonely without her husband and kids and that she was just seeking some comfort. Which Warnie himself would certainly know a thing or two about. As he told tabloids when his own marriage was breaking down (the first time): "When you're lonely and you're away for six months, things sometimes just happen and then you regret it afterwards and you think 'you idiot' … But it's very hard being on the road. It's very lonely."

For men, there's actually a scientific explanation as to why they need play around while they're on tour. The journal Personality and Individual Differences reported that a man's sperm count doubles when he's away from his partner, going from 389 million sperm per ejaculation to 712 million. Which is a heck of a lot of extra sperm, if you ask me.

But for women? Well, it can only be emotionally fuelled, as most things are with us anyway.
But back to what happens on tour. How often it "happens" no one can be sure (though I'm sure credit card companies get a laugh out of perusing bills and fielding irate calls from concerned wives), but I can't imagine it's all that rare.

Of course this sort of rowdy behaviour on tour isn't new and it's been getting on for 40 years since an overseas rugby union team visited England and decided to create this secretive code in the hope of covering up and excusing their unruly behaviour.

The trouble these days, however, is that everyone has mobile phones with cameras and no one is afraid to use them, Facebook them, tweet them and put them on YouTube … sometimes minutes after the transgression has taken place. Which means that what happens on tour no longer stays on tour. Sorry Liz. (Although no doubt Warnie is revelling in all the attention.)

So the lesson is that with the silly season just around the corner and many of your spouses leaving the country without you, perhaps you'd better watch your behaviour (and your back) if you don't want to be dumped. Because I'm not so sure Warnie is available to be your rebound either ...

Sophia Abella apes Kim Kardashian's Playboy and Heidi Klum's GQ naked photoshoot

Baring and goes all out. I've always dug Heidi and Kim because girls not shy and its fun. Please be patient. The picture may also be scaled to fit your monitor. -Photographed by Dale Bacar

Sophia Abella caught lookin' trim and toned 'in Prada high heels

Sophia Abella holding her very amazing tits, and posing naked in bed

Sophia Abella bombshell knew how to play up her pouty lips and alluring eyes

Sophia Abella nude look in the act of sport in studio

Sophia Abella spicy topless navel show in tight blue jeans

Sophia Abella caught with her hard nipples expose

I like to tease guys, in fact I like it so much that my inappropriate behavior has turned even more devious.

Unknowingly that mess up your future relationships

The other day I met a guy who admitted that, when it comes to relationships, he's a serious commitment-phobe. Why? Because - wait for it - he'd been heartbroken by his first love (almost two years ago), and just couldn't get past the heartache and pain she'd inflicted on him. While at first I wondered what the heck his problem was (We've all been heartbroken! We've all experienced pain! Get the over it already!), I now realise that it's only normal. Because new research shows that the euphoria of your first love does indeed damage the way you enter into any future relationship … and there's nothing much you can do about it.
So then suffice it to say that most of us are going to be mightily screwed up if we aren't still with the one with whom we first fell in love all those years ago. How bloody depressing.
But, then again, the older you get, the more you realise that everyone is scarred in one way or another when it comes to romantic liaisons … and for a myriad reasons. Here are some of the ones I've recently witnessed:

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"My first love broke my heart"
It was Oscar Wilde who said: "Men always want to be a woman's first love – women like to be a man's last romance." As true as that may be, when it comes to the notion of first loves, experts are now telling us that we need to avoid them at all costs. That is if we don't think we're going to end up with them for all eternity … till death do us part.
A new book titled Changing Relationships - a collection of research papers by Britain's leading sociologists and edited by Dr Malcolm Brynin - asserts that the euphoria of first love can damage future relationships by giving you unrealistic expectations of what is to follow. Brynin's solution? Skip a first relationship altogether if you ever want to make it work for the long haul.
"In an ideal world, you would wake up already in your second relationship," says Brynin, principal research officer at the Institute for Social and Economic Research at the University of Essex.
Which is easy for him to say. But when you experience that heady cocktail of intoxicating feelings that get your pheromones racing faster than Michael Schumacher's Ferrari, it's impossible to avoid it just in case it doesn't all work out.
Of course he's right when he says that, if you allow that first relationship to become "your benchmark for a relationship dynamic, then it becomes inevitable that future, more adult partnerships will seem boring and a disappointment", but really, who the heck would pass it up? Shouldn't we be living in the moment? Taking each opportunity as it comes our way? I guess not if you don't want to end up a commitment-phobe …

"My parents had a messed-up relationship"
Whether your folks are still happily together, divorced or have a tumultuous relationship, their relationship (whether you like it or not) affects everything from how you react to affection, love and sex to the way you argue with your partner and your views on commitment, fidelity and marriage. After all, research shows that your behaviour is hard-wired from the age of four, which means that anything you witness from that point on is going to have a mighty influence on the way you treat your future relationships.

"I'm divorced/have kids"
Baggage comes in all shapes and sizes and how you let it affect your future relationships is all up to you and your attitude. But still, no matter how much you own the consequences of your baggage and attempt to not let it hinder your chance at true love, the people you meet can be a tad more judgmental. I know many who refuse to date someone who is divorced, someone with kids, someone in debt … you get the picture. The good news is there's always someone compatible and understanding of your situation. Why settle for someone who is not?

"I'm not thin enough/rich enough/smart enough"
There's an old saying: You can't love another till you love yourself.
While I've long believed this is a load of bollocks (sorry, folks, but if there is someone out there who is willing to love you and overlook all your foibles, get over yourself!), many find it difficult to enter into a relationship when their self-esteem is down. (Which could damn well be because they're still hung up on their first love.)
And here's where the catch lies: we've all been heartbroken once before, we've all experienced pain and abandonment and had a blow to our egos. But if we can't move forward from the past and continue on a path of constant self-harm, how will we ever get to enjoy the future ...

How do you feel after a one-night stand?

"Do you think I could sleep with him without any feelings getting involved?"

My girlfriend Bridget whispered the question to me a few weeks ago as we sat at the single's table at the wedding of a mutual friend.

She was pointing to one of the groomsmen (clichéd, I know), and had decided that, since she was still in love with her ex-boyfriend, there was no harm in getting herself ensconced in a harmless one-night stand with a cute bloke who looked damn good in a suit.

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After all, she knew there was no way she could get emotionally involved … especially since she hardly had any emotions left to give to anyone else. Surely it could just be "just sex" .... right?
A few weeks later, Bridget received an email from the groomsman. He wasn't impressed. He asked her why she hadn't answered any of his text messages. He said he was mortified to have been relegated to one-night stand status when he thought they'd had such a great "connection" and "palpable chemistry". Really? After one measly drunken night?

 "What bollocks," she spat.
Now, here are a few facts about Bridget. She's a 32-year-old ballsy career woman who never relies on a man for anything. And while she's been whipped (translation: fallen in love) only once or twice in her life, she prefers to keep most of the male species at arm's length (emotionally speaking, that is).

"Women these days can be just as liberal as men," she told me over coffee, relaying her latest one-night stand experience, which had occurred the previous night. "I know that many women have trouble differentiating between sex and a 'connection' but there are many women today who can have sex quite comfortably and not worry about the repercussions."

I asked another girlfriend, an executive at a finance firm who works in a male-dominated environment.
She agreed with Bridget and told me this: "Women's egos are more matched to men's these days and our ambition in the boardroom carries over to the bedroom. We're no longer at home in the kitchen! We're part of the fast-paced modern world and women have to learn to be strong, strong-minded, arrogant and egotistical!"

But are their attitudes really so ground-breaking? After all, Erica Jong, in her 1973 novel Fear of Flying (said to have been instrumental in the second wave of feminism), coined the term "zipless f---". She defined this as "pure ... free of ulterior motives ... [where] no one is trying to prove anything or get anything out of anyone. Even back then this resonated with women who felt they wanted to do the dirty without the emotional ramifications.

So why, almost 40 years on, do some women (and men) still have to justify their sexual behaviour? Seriously.
According to a survey carried out by Britain's Daily Mail newspaper, almost half of British women in their 20s have had a one-night stand, and almost as many in their 30s and 40s have done the same.
Oh, and a whopping 23 per cent have admitted to having an abortion afterwards, too.
But back to Bridget. And her feelings, or rather, lack thereof.

After she told me about another one-night stand, I asked her how she felt the next day.
"I feel great," she replied. "We both got we wanted out of it. It was a fun night out and nothing more."
But it seemed that, when I carried out an unofficial survey around my office, my colleagues didn't exactly share her sentiment.

Words such as "disgusting", "low" and "used" ricocheted around the water cooler as we discussed the perils of doing it with a stranger whom you'll never see again.
So over to you, dear readers. How do you feel after a one-night stand? Empty? Elated? Guilty? Disgusted? Awesome?
It was Woody Allen who said: "Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best."

Which is all very well and good if you do it with Bridget's no-expectations mantra in mind.
"Always let the other person know your intentions upfront. And that goes both ways," she asserts.
But perhaps the most important lesson comes from Rich Santon, a New York blogger, who told Marie Claire magazine: "Don't ever expect to find love after a one-night stand!"

He also advises you not to linger in bed hung over but instead to make a fast getaway; not to expect breakfast or a follow-up phone call, and to always attempt to use humour to make light of the situation.
Oh, and ladies ... and try not  yourself pregnant ...

Toxic Men and Toxic Relationships

Toxic men. Sigh. When you find yourself ensconced in the dating game, no matter what age or life stage you’re at, you’re bound to come across one or more of these types of men.

You know them all too well. He’s the one who takes off his wedding ring at the bar; or the one who tries to get you into bed on the first date, or the worst type of all – the one who promises you the world, makes you fall in love with him (usually thanks to his fast wit, sexy looks and irresistible charm), and then vanishes into thin air before you can say, “but I thought you loved me!”

Kanye West recently wrote an ode to these toxic blokes, crooning; “Let's have a toast for the douchebags. Let's have a toast for the a------s. Let's have a toast for the scumbags. Let's have a toast for the jerkoffs. Baby, I got a plan. Runaway fast as you can.”

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Which is all very well for West to advise. Run away. Yes, it should seem like the obvious thing to do, wouldn't it? But when you’re engrossed in the heady drama of it all with one of these types, somehow it’s not that easy. Even for the strongest of femmes.
But I thought he liked me! 
But I thought he was "the one"! 
But he was sooooo freaking perfect! What the hell happened?

Why women fall for the toxic man (despite his pitfalls and foibles) is obvious. He’s charming, sexy and knows all the right moves.

Lucia (a self-confessed toxic man expert) says: "He knows what women want to hear and feel. Of course he does, he's dated and bonked half the city."
But here’s the real question: Why the heck do these men do it? Why do they bother? What is the point in toying with a woman’s emotions, encouraging her to have feelings for you – and then ditching her by the wayside, leaving her broken, distressed and distrusting of the entire male species?
Adds Lucia: "This breed of men want to drag women down because they are not confident themselves. I should know - I got myself pregnant to one."
And according to Lillian Glass, the author of Toxic Men: Identify, Deal With, and Heal From Men Who Make Your Life Miserable, there are a whopping 11 different types of these dudes, so you'd better watch out.
Still, I don’t understand it. Do they do it just for the sex? Because more often than not, toxic men are more than just the pash and dash types. They’re more about getting the girl in their bed without her panties on (although that's a welcome side benefit I'm sure).
"They will make women feel like there's this amazing 'connection' between the two of you," says Lucia. "But a toxic man is like a seemingly good investment on the stock market. If he is too good to be true, he often is."
In an attempt to do my due diligence, I’ve been doing a little investigating. A man I met in a bar recently told me it was all about his ego. “It’s about making me feel I’ve still got it, even if I have no interest in the girl for the long haul. I can at least tell me mates that I nailed her. And then I can move on.”
Right.
Another told me that all guys do it - as a way of boosting their self-esteem and testing the waters till someone they actually want to treat right comes their way.
So where does that leave women? Because the problem, I find, is that with toxic men, you can’t pick them. I used to think that it was obvious who they were. That you should stay away from men in certain professions: the sexy model who gets hit on by a bevy of gorgeous women; the suave banker who thinks he has more money than god, or the flirtatious restaurant manager who is so sickly sweet and charming, you want to go back and sample his chicken beetle leaves over again and again. Just so you can get a smile, a wink or a suggestive look your way.
But what if there is no pattern? What if toxic men are lurking around in places you never thought they would be, waiting around to hunt their next vulnerable prey? And what if the ones who you thought might be toxic, are indeed nice guys who are family orientated and actually have some soul and backbone?
I give up. Either way, for the record, today’s column is not about male bashing. Instead, it’s about trying to work out how to spot the worst types of toxic men and to help other women not get ensconced with them before it's too late. Because trust me when I say, they're not that easy to get over ...

Would you rather walk up the aisle than up the career ladder?

Prince William is finally getting married … after dating the same woman - Kate Middleton - for a whopping eight years.
Why the woman, dubbed "Waity Katy" by the media, hung around is no mystery to most, yet some didn't exactly see it that way.
Britain's Daily Mail writer Beth Gibbons says Middleton's behaviour is an increasingly worrying trend when it comes to young women hankering after a ring.

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Gibbons has even given a name to this trend, calling it the "WK" syndrome. She refers to women whose CVs are gathering dust while they wait for their men to pop the question. And they wait, and wait, and wait.
Of course, under these royal circumstances, Middleton would be mad not to have stuck around.
Yet, a girlfriend of mine who dated an actor, stuck around with him for 10 years while he travelled the globe and didn't exactly treat her the way she deserved.
"He'll propose when he's ready," she often told herself. Until, one day, she woke up to realise that her man was actually never going to propose, no matter how many soufflés she cooked, floors she polished or sexual favours she proffered.
While she hadn't been inflicted with the WK syndrome (she had a successful career and relied on him for nothing much but his company and sex … when he was in town), she'd still succumbed to the idea that the man she'd fallen for was indeed going to make an honest women out of her. At least one day soon.
So what's the solution? To wait, or not to wait? Is it a case of some men simply not being the marrying kind? And if so, how do you discern between the two?
John T. Molloy, author of Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others, who interviewed 3000 couples coming out of marriage licence bureaus, wrote that it's up to the women to call the shots. And according to his survey results, waiting around without making any demands isn't exactly the best way to ensure a future that involves an aisle and a slice of wedding cake.
Instead, he suggests that women who want to get married should insist on it, get out of dead-end relationships, love themselves first, keep in shape and choose their future husbands wisely.
He also says that the high commitment period for men is between the ages of 28 and 33 and that, after 38, the chances a man will ever commit to marriage drops dramatically.
Hence a woman should look carefully at the man's age before deciding that he's going to be the one to do the proposing.
Here's the other thing that I've recently and increasingly come across myself. Molloy says that men are more likely to marry after they've been working and living as independent adults for several years.
Which means that, even if you meet the man of your dreams, but he's not satisfied in his career or feels he hasn't yet "made it" on his own, it will be impossible to pin him down for the long haul.
This makes me a little upset. You see, I often think that I don't care about what job he has, where he lives or how much money he makes.
But when a man isn't satisfied with his own lot, and feels he cannot be the type of provider a girl deserves, he just can't commit.
So he asks you to wait for him to sort his life out. And then you wonder how long you'll be waiting around. And then you wonder if maybe it's his excuse for not committing to you because in reality he doesn't like you all that much. And then you think there's something wrong with you, not him. And then you become inflicted with the WK syndrome … just in case the dude gets his life together, and gathers together enough dough to take you for dinner, let alone buy you a ring.
But what if he's simply a stringer? A dude who never intends to marry you, but prefers to just string you along because - let's face it - regular sex and home-cooked dinners are much more enjoyable than hitting the clubs and engaging in one-night stands with floozies who don't even know your name.
I once talked in this column about the problems women face when they are unknowingly dating a stringer (and got so many comments, emails and phone calls from irate exes that I knew I'd hit a nerve).
Molloy warns stringently against getting ensconced in such a relationship. Instead, he says that, to avoid this subset of men, you need to filter them out by insisting they commit after six months. And then women actually need stick to their self-impoesd deadline.
But maybe we shouldn't be so harsh on the poor gents. After all, if Middleton had stuck to Molloy's rule, the world's most revered royal family would have an entirely different future. She'd never be princess, he'd never be engaged and we'd all still be wondering if we might be the ones to meet the prince and have the fairy tale ending.

To settle, or not to settle?
Interestingly, despite all this hoo-hah about "not settling" for someone below your standards and waiting around for the Mr Right who ticks all your boxes and makes you feel like you've hit the proverbial man-jackpot, Molloy asserts that you should consider "unpolished jewels" – men who are just as nice, intelligent, hard-working and successful, but lack looks, height or social skills.
Which got me wondering if it works the other way around too. Should one ever consider a man who has the looks, height and the social skills, but who isn't as intelligent, hard-working or successful? Where should the compromise lie? (Although in the research, divorced women told the researchers that they had already tried the tall, suave, type, and that despite the fact they may have been good eye-candy, they didn't make very good husbands after all.)
Interestingly, Molloy said, those women desperate to nab a husband need to adhere to the following advice: dress appropriately and send him the message, "I am wife material."
Because, as he writes: "Men marry women they perceive as 'situational virgins' who move easily in their world."
Oh, and the most important bit of advice?
"Give men a second chance - 20 per cent of brides-to-be said that they didn't like their husbands when they first met [them]." (Oops. Sorry gents.)

Other observations from Molloy's research:
* "If you want to discuss marriage, you're going to have to bring the subject up, because many men never will."
* "73% of marrying women said that they put pressure on their man to propose."
* "If a woman is convinced that marriage is essential to her happiness, she is more likely to marry."
* "If a man is convinced that being married is essential to a woman's happiness, he is more likely to propose."
* "Men don't get subtle hints - a woman has to discuss marriage directly and, to make sure he gets the point, ask follow-up questions."
* "When a man says he isn't ready, it usually doesn't mean he will never marry ... Often, it's because they don't have enough money."

Sophia Abella poses naked in her ultimate sexy look

Sophia Abella finally shed clothes in "dare to bare" showing her curves all for art nude photography by Dale
Bacar.

How complete are you without your man?

It's a universally acknowledged truth that crazy things happen to single girls. There was the guy who lied about being a banker, and turned out to work at a pet store. (Not that there's anything wrong with that. It was the lie that was the problem.) There was the guy who lied that he was a Cleo bachelor, and turned out to be a 20-year-old work experience guy who stole the bachelor's outfit at the event in hope of getting laid. There was the guy who lied for months about the fact he was single ... when he had a girlfriend of two years. There was the cokehead lawyer, the sleazy finance guy, the international model, the playboy actor, the French publicist, the Canadian bartender … all disappointments. All a waste of time.

But when you've been in a long-term relationship for over half a decade, and you suddenly find yourself single in a city filled with eligible bachelors (man drought? Pah!), the dating world becomes your ocean. And you become the vulnerable fish waiting for one of them to catch you. The deeper the hook digs in (and the better their pick-up line, their kissing prowess and their dating game) the worse the man may turn out to be. And so you learn a heck of a lot about the state of men, women, expectations, casual sex, rules, your alcohol tolerance and yourself.

Well sort of. At least that's what people continually like to tell you. "It's all a learning curve!" they say. "Take this time to get to know yourself!" they advise. "The right one hasn't found you yet!" they promise. God, how bloody nauseating.
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But if all this sounds oddly familiar, don't fret. You're not the only one. I saw a play at the Darlinghurst Theatre on the weekend that made me cringe. Titled Often I Find That I Am Naked, the protagonist Jezebel recounts her experiences (often encountered naked), problems (often alcohol-fuelled) and awkward dating moments (most notably the one in which she spits out a mouth full of semen belonging to a man whose name she doesn't even know) during her quest to find Mr Right.

Each dating scenario that she acts out – the playboy, the frat boy, the one-night stand, the nice guy, the one who seems to be Mr Perfect and then turns out to be gay – sounded oddly familiar. I laughed and cringed throughout the play, wondering if all the men that modern women meet are exactly the same - reading from some pre-written womanising script they know will guarantee them access to the pants of the fragile girl they're trying to woo before they move on to the next.

Get into a conversation with anyone about their single days and they all have horror stories. My gorgeous girlfriend, whom we'll call Jess, regaled me with the tale of walking in on four different boyfriends (yes four), all of whom she found naked and entangled in their bed sheets on a Sunday morning after she couldn't get hold of them all weekend - with another woman.

When I ask Jess if she thinks it has something to do with her choice in men (or if she refused to have sex with them), she said the answer was a definite no.

"It had nothing to do with me. Rather it's the playboys who are the ones that aren't shy to talk to you. They're the ones who will pick you up, wine and dine you and feed you all the lines about marriage and babies that you want to hear. They rope you in and then, because all their friends are playboys too, they think it's acceptable. They all talk about it afterwards and probably laugh, slapping each other on the back."

One woman had some heady advice. "There are two types of single men," she said. "There are the playboys, and there are the normal nice guys. Know that you're not alone when you get f***ed over."

But even when you meet the nice guy: the Mr Right who carries your purse and brings you chicken soup when you've got a cold and look worse than Lindsay Lohan - even the relationship with him can bring about some heady arguments, tough times and a feeling of yearning for the single days when you were carefree and independent and got to eat two-minute noodles in bed while watching Desperate Housewives.

"Married life isn't as easy as everyone thinks," says one newly married friend, who feels as if she's lost her identity, her spark and her zest for life by being so immersed in her relationship.

"We are having a few problems and sometimes I miss those single days when I had the freedom to do whatever I wanted. Treasure it. Because once it's over, it's over for good."

Which means that, despite the abundance of bad dates, cads, liars, cheats, confusing rules and way too many games to keep anyone sane, you've got to believe that being single is going to be the best time in your entire life. The most carefree, fun-filled and frivolous.

Sure, many singletons can't see that right now. They tell me they're so bloody bored without someone to watch TV with on the couch that they feel like scratching out their own eyeballs. But then there are those who find the magic in being alone. In "finding themselves" (seriously!). In getting a hobby. And in being whole as a single person without another person to fill their void.

My life coach friend Alina Berdichevsky said something really interesting: that your partner should add only an extra 10 per cent on to your already amazing life, which is at least 90 per cent whole. And if you follow this principle, perhaps it will be easier not to lose yourself in the relationship either ...

Why men cheat on hot women?

The other day I told you the tale about my girlfriend Jess who had walked in on four different boyfriends cheating on her. Four. By the fourth time, when the man in question's roommates were all making excuses while trying to keep her out of his bedroom, she knew all too well what was going on. There was another woman in his bed.

Now here's a little fact about Jess. She's six feet tall with glossy brown hair, big blue eyes and a body to rival the curves of Scarlett Johansson. In other words, she's damn, damn hot. And yet the blokes she was with didn't give a toss. Instead they wanted to have sex with other women for some reason other than the fact that Jess was one of those perfect specimens who was not only independent, smart and smoking hot, but a sweetheart to boot.

Jess regaled these stories to me the other night after I told her I wanted to write a column about why the heck men cheat on hot women. The idea came about on the back of the news that basketball star Tony Parker had been cheating on his wife Eva Longoria with the wife of one of his teammates.
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Suddenly hot women around the globe, who once thought their that their doting, darling men were faithful, loyal hubbies, ran to snoop on their man's text messages and to smell their shirt collars for perfume stains. (For the record, Parker claimed he only flirted with the other woman and nothing more.)

But back to the question. Even if it was "innocent flirting" as he so terms it, why the heck would Parker dare risk losing the woman who is on every man's fantasy list? Did she do something wrong to push him away? Was she not giving him enough action in the bedroom? Did she let herself go?

One man (who I think is cheating on his girlfriend) tells me that, yes, it probably is her fault that her man did the dirty.

She was being "a bitch"

"If you're with someone and they're being a complete bitch and you just can't take it any more, and there are hot women throwing themselves at you all the time, it's very easy to cheat," he says. "Some men just feel like they don't have to take it any more and so they go elsewhere."

I know what he's saying is complete and utter bullocks but I often wonder if women really are to blame. If being a "bitch" (as my friend says) is catalyst enough to cheat? I think not ...

They want to eat their cake and have it, too

Over the past year, I've dated at least three men whom I have found – after the fact – to have had girlfriends while still trying to court me. I had become the "other woman" without even knowing it. Yikes.

When Jesse James's mistress Michelle "Bombshell" McGee told me that she'd experienced a similar thing when she began dating James, at first I didn't believe her. Did she really not know he was still married to America's sweetheart Sandra Bullock? C'mon! But when a similar thing happened to me, I realised how easy it is for men these days to eat their cake and have it, too.

His ego is bruised and he needs to prop it up

When a man's ego is bruised, gaining the affections of another woman makes him feel stronger again. Often you'll find when a woman becomes uber-successful while her husband is struggling to make ends meet, he'll go elsewhere for sex, doing it with someone who props him up and makes him feel like a man. Quite sad, isn't it.

It's in his genes

Interestingly there's a theory that cheating might actually be in the family genes. That's right, if his father did it, apparently it's more likely the son will, too. CBS News reported that Tiger Woods's father, Earl Woods, too cheated on Tiger's mother. Ditto with the father of Jesse James.

He's a sex addict

While this excuse might be employed by celebrities who are looking to blame something other than their horniness on the fact they've done the dirty, for some sex addiction is a very real mental disorder. A penchant for porn and prostitutes is usually a tell-tale sign ...

He is narcissistic

As supermodel Christie Brinkley, whose ex-husband Peter Cook cheated on her with an 18-year-old employee, told US magazine Ladies' Home Journal in regards to Bullock: "It's an epidemic of male narcissism gone wild."

Do you use condoms?

A girl I know is pregnant. And has an STD. Why? Because the bloke she is bonking (who is considerably older than her), refuses to use condoms. And she refuses to go on the pill. Hence they succumbed to using the "pull out and pray" method. Which didn't exactly go to plan. So now she's faced with a dilemma: to keep the baby, or not.

Abortions are tough, often resulting in serious mental and physical repercussions. I've gone through the process with a number of girlfriends – one who was in a serious long-term relationship and whose boyfriend demanded she do it. Another who found herself pregnant after a one-night stand. And a third who felt she wasn't equipped to handle a child just yet, and still blames herself to this day for doing it – 10 years on.

While the number of abortions in isn't known exactly, an estimate in 2005 was about 70,000 to 80,000.
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Sure there are accidents, mistakes, missed contraception, drunken nights and broken condoms. But when a man refuses to use protection for no reason other than it inhibits his pleasure, is it really fair on the women? Hell no.

When women tell me they're having unprotected sex because of this very reason, and so are facing a pregnancy scare, I'm flabbergasted. It sounds ludicrous. They say they'd rather please their man, who says he "hates" condoms, than protect themselves. Say what!?

In a time in which STDs, STIs and unwanted pregnancies are running rife, where casual sex is on the menu and fidelity cannot be assumed in every relationship, it seems odd that so many people don't even bother. And that scares me mightily.

"At least use them if you're going to sleep with someone else," a woman I know once told her boyfriend who refused to wear them with her. "If you're not going to use protection with me, at least don't put me in danger if you're going to cheat."

That's the same approach taken by women in Nepal when they decided to send condoms to their husbands who were working overseas in the hope of protecting their men from sexually transmitted diseases. Which might not be such a bad idea, considering these men are gone for months at a time, then come home to their wives.

But back to the condom debate.

To debunk the myth that all condoms are bad, uncomfortable, smell like rubber and make sex feel like you're doing something disorderly with a plastic bag, a couple, who are students at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, have decided to try out every type of condom and write a blog about their experiences (as you do).

The two - who go by the names of Tom and Veronica - say they're fascinated by the myriad condoms out there, are helping humankind with their ratings system and are making love, all in the name of science.

From vegan condoms to studded condoms to glow in the dark condoms (dubbed by them as "perfect if you're feeling adventurous") the two are aiming to go through 244 condoms.

So far, the verdicts aren't all that bad either.

So perhaps next time a man tells you he's not sleeping with you unless he can go bare-backed, you might want to refer him to their blog "Condom Science". Or to his local GP ...

I always used to say that if you put the use of condoms in the hands of women, we'd all be better off. And yet that plan seems to have failed miserably ...

The sex you should have before settling down

Let's face it: many (or some) of you are going to settle down with one person sometime in the near future. And that means no more frivolous sex with random strangers, one-night stands or wasting time with relationships that are seemingly going nowhere just so you can have some regular late-night nookie.

But here's a quick question: have you had sex with enough people yet?

There's something awkward about being asked this question in a world in which one-night stands are nothing to be sniffed at and casual sex is as common as a walk to the grocery store (or at least for the lucky ones).
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So, while your "magic number" was once a brilliant indication of your pick-up skills, the potency of your pheromones or the lowness of your standards, these days the number is nothing more than just that – a number.

Yet, says Clio Cresswell, an Aussie mathematician and author who decided to combine her love of maths with her penchant for sex, you shouldn't dismiss your number just yet.

Because, she says, there is a mathematical equation when it comes to how many people you should have sex with before you settle down if indeed you want to find "the one".

That's right ladies and gents, the mathematician has turned her numerical obsession towards sex and has come up with this very simple formula: the 12 Bonk Rule.

The 12 Bonk Rule says you should have 12 partners before you pick the next best after that with whom to settle down.

Why? I'm not exactly sure how she came up with that number, but she swears that 12 sexual partners are enough for you to compare their good points, know what you want out of your future partner and then leave you better equipped to pick the next best lover after that. Also, she says that the formula gives a 75 per cent success rate of producing a perfect match. So what have you got to lose other than a few inhibitions?

I haven't reached 12. Which means that, even if the next one I meet is indeed "the one", I've still got a long way to go. (God, it's getting hot in here!) So, in lieu of helping you to reach the appropriate Bonk Rule number, I've cobbled together a list of some of the types of people everyone should have sex with before they settle down. Feel free to add to the list ...

Sex with a foreigner

One of my girlfriends is obsessed with Italian men. Another loves Lebanese. A third only likes to do the French. While I used to look at these women and wonder if they were simply stuck in a rut while in a fantasy world where commitment wasn't on the table - just good sex, sexy accents and even sexier bodies – after reading about the 12 Bonk Rule, I'm beginning to think that having sex with a foreigner is just a rite of passage – an experience one must have to fulfil the sexual quota.

Sex with a player / celebrity / model / actor

They're hot, they're in demand, they have a body to die for and they know what they're doing, thanks to the extensive practice they've had from all the willing suitors lining up around their corner from their bachelor(ette) pad. You get tingles just thinking about them, never mind finding yourself in their bed sans underwear. Just don't expect a follow-up session anytime ... ever. Oh, and always use protection.

The massive age-gap sex

Sex with someone much younger or many older is an experience to be had … if only to say you've done it. Men rant and rave about how brilliant it is to nab a much older woman (see Ashton Kutcher), women give glowing reviews about the energy and sexual prowess of younger men (see Ivana Trump) and everyone feels a little naughty at the prospect of doing the dirty with someone entirely inappropriately aged. Just avoid the under-aged!

The nice guy

Having sex with the nice guy is a must. You have to know what it's like to be treated nicely, be respected, have him call you the next day and not feel like a tramp who was used for a quick orgasm followed by a hasty goodbye. Nice guys are warm and fuzzy and make you realise what you could have if indeed you were that into him. Just try not to break any hearts along the way.

Your teenage crush

You know the person you were lusting after since childhood and never got the chance to date because you were too fat / pimply / shy? Well now is your chance to get them into the sack and get it out of your system. While you know it's entirely wrong and they no longer have the appeal they did when they were the high school jock or the hottest chick in your class, at least you will finally get to satiate your lust for them.

Your best friend / your ex / your flatmate

While this group of people are supposed to be the ones you stay away from, if you think you can handle it (or need to increase your quota), go ahead and get sexy in their presence. Make sure you're in a good mental place beforehand, though, and that you can handle the consequences (there are bound to be many) and that you're really hard up for numbers before you contemplate accepting that third glass of wine and then making your move. Don't say I didn't warn you about this one ...

The art of being sexy

The other night a seminar entitled "The Art of Being Sexy", hosted by Alina Berdichevsky. As I looked around the room, each one of the women present looked to me as if she'd just stepped out of Glamour magazine – gorgeous, well-dressed women all displaying an air of confidence.

Or so I assumed. The 16 women present included a model, a lawyer, a businesswoman, two young working mums, a writer and an entrepreneur.

As the conversation started to get more intimate and the women started to open up about their lives, their relationships and their self-image, something started to be revealed that shocked all of us: no matter how good things appeared to be on the outside, many were suffering silently on the inside.
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The women in relationships feared that they'd succumbed to a life of "sitting on the couch" in their tracky daks with messy hair and smelly breath. They admitted that, sadly, gone were the days of surprising their partner in the nude with a perfectly prepared dinner as he walked through the door before a night of satiating sex and a flutter of compliments.

"Now I just stomp around the house," said one. "That can't be sexy."

"I'm so tired," said another. "I couldn't be bothered to make an effort."

"I'm never in the mood."

"I'm always in a rush."

The career women in the group seemed to have a slightly different problem. They feared they'd completely lost their feminine identity because they had to "man-up" their look in the office so that the men would take them more seriously.

Hence they'd ditched every bit of their sexuality, including their short skirts and pretty scarves, to climb the corporate ladder based on their merit and intelligence rather than their feminine wiles. It was filtering into the private lives too, and they weren't happy about it.

"I've really quashed my sexuality and femininity in every way," admitted one. "I've gone completely the other way and I only wear black suits, and black, black, black. My boyfriend can't be too pleased."

The new mums exposed their vulnerability and fear that they would never again be seen by the public (let alone their husbands) as sexy.

"I'm always trying to do a million things at once so I'm always dropping things," said one.

"I'm self-conscious about the changes in my body," said another.

"Sexiness has all but evaporated from our lives for the past 10 months. Which coincidentally coincides with the age of my son."

All feeling a little not-so-sexy, the group turned to Alina for guidance. She explained that being sexy was not about what you wear, your weight or the size of your cleavage. Instead it's about having the power within to ooze sexiness, own it, not worry about outside forces and to never compare yourself to others.

"We are naturally sexy," she says. "But there are things which block our sexiness."

She says the top mistakes women make when it comes to sexiness are not owning their flaws, comparing themselves to other women, being in a co-dependent relationship and giving the other person (a boyfriend / lover / work colleagues) the power to make or break the way women feel about themselves. She also says that if the women are disconnected from their bodies, harbour resentment towards men or are stuck in a rut, those things can all hinder their sexiness, too. (Note: there was no mention of not wearing a miniskirt, being a size six or looking like Angelina Jolie!)

Her advice for all women wanting to be sexy?

"Make sexiness a priority and include it in your identity," she advises. "Work with what you have and own your own look. Move more slowly and start to feel the subtle currents of bliss inside you as you smile at the world. Make your environment more beautiful, sensual and lush. Note that sex is everywhere in nature [she describes raindrops as kisses]. Make yourself your #1 priority and nourish, spoil, treat and worship yourself daily."

She says that sexiness all about being feminine, so women (even the ballsy career chicks among us), should soften more often, walk more slowly, swagger their hips a little and, if all else fails, dance alone when no one is watching.

I've had many men tell me that sexy is jeans and a t-shirt; little make-up, a good sense of humour and not taking yourself too seriously. I've had other men tell me that the sexiest woman in the room is the one not trying too hard. So why then are we all so confused as to what is sexy?

"Most importantly make sure that sexiness is your - not your partner's - priority."

Perhaps it really does come within, although I'm sure somehow the lad's mag editors (and readers) might beg to differ...