How sex changes everything..

"Why do women change after sex?" This was the question posed to me the other day by a man who had been casually dating a woman he was rather fond of. There'd been dinners, drinks, delectable kisses, the occasional sweet text and she hadn't even asked him about his ex. Yes, everything seemed to be smooth sailing. After all, she was everything he liked in a woman: charming, funny, alluring, cool, aloof, sexy. That was until they slept together ...
So what changed?
It wasn't the fact that he was bad in bed, not well-endowed enough in the nether regions for her liking or that he felt the need to shower straight afterwards. Nor was it the fact she giggled throughout, answered her mobile phone or told him she was falling for him right before he had an orgasm. It was something far worse: immediately afterwards, her personality suddenly morphed from casual and cool to a five-stage clinger.

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"I just don't get why women do that," he exclaimed to me, shaking his head in disbelief. "It ruins everything."
She's not alone in her behaviour. Many women find themselves being inflicted with the "I'm-suddenly-in-love-and-clingy" syndrome the moment they have sex with a man.
Sure, most aren't affected by the occasional one-night stand (or more frequent ones, depending on who you talk to), but when a woman starts to get lukewarm feelings for a guy, waits the appropriate amount of time to get to know him and then agrees to sleep with him, suddenly (without her knowing it) her behaviour makes a colossal shift.
But sex isn't the only thing affecting new relationships either. In fact here are other things that can turn your relationship from sexy to stale in less time than it takes to read this article ...

The first time you say "I love you"
Often fuelled by alcohol, an orgasm or a ticking biological clock, those three little words can do more damage than good. If you find yourself saying it to a stony-faced partner with no reply emanating from his or her mouth mouth, you suddenly morph from romantic and hopeful, to an unrequited lover filled with self-loathing, remorse and embarrassment. "Did I have it all so wrong?" you ask yourself as you start to question the very essence of your relationship. You might compare yourself negatively to their hot ex (surely the two of them exchanged the "L" word?), and you spend way too much time wallowing in self pity, knowing that you put yourself on the line and the other person didn't reciprocate. All is not lost unless they're a commitment-phobe, in which case you might as well have followed it up with ... "And I have an STD."

The first time one of your burps or farts in bed
Ah, the old embarrassing chestnut rears its ugly head when you're in a heightened moment of passion and suddenly the mood isn't so hot any longer. You try to giggle it off; telling the other person it's only natural, that everyone does it and that you must have eaten something a little off the night before. And you're right. But when you're in the throes of a new relationship and that ghastly smell starts to linger around the room causing them to gag with disgust, the only viable solution is to move to another room. And then deny, deny, deny.

The first fight
You're tired, they're hungry, you're both stressed. A myriad factors can cause the first argument and suddenly all the cutesy things you once loved about them have now morphed into bona fide turn-offs. You start to wonder if, indeed, you made the right decision when the two of you decided to become "exclusive". Of course the best part about the first fight is the rampant make-up sex that is bound to follow. To save yourself from getting into an argument over the same issue again (unless you want to do it deliberately to incite another steamy session of make-up sex), find out why they (or you) picked the fight in the first place. Most of the time (especially if they're male), it's because they were hungry. Then, always keep a bag of nuts or some snacks in your handbag. Problem solved.

Meeting their friends/family
This can either go terribly wrong, or oh-so-right. If they don't like your parents and fear you're going to turn out just like them, there's not enough convincing you can do to prove them otherwise. If, on the other hand, they love your mum, get along swimmingly with your BFF and at the end of the day have set a golfing date with your dad, rest assured that things are going to start turning a little more serious. That is until your dad starts pressuring them about when they're going to propose ...

Discovering he uses Viagra
It's not you, it's his penis. Don't be alarmed at this discovery or question why he may have lied to you about it. Just be thankful that his intention is to please you in the bedroom. Then count his stash and make sure he's only using it with you ...

Going away together
Unless you're driving down to the local motel, travelling together can bring about a bout of sticky scenarios that aren't exactly sexy. Gastro, food poisoning, headaches, tiredness, stress, getting lost, mosquito bites, difference of opinion as to which destination to head to next, weird smells, weird moods and being on top of each other 24/7 could be the kiss of death for your relationship. So, remember, if you're in a new relationship, always keep trips short. And take a medicine kit filled with every sort of remedy in the book. And toilet spray. Just in case ...

The Love Rat Gene

"You don't want a guy like that," warned a male friend at the weekend, pointing to a hot Lothario standing at the corner of the bar.
"Why not?" I asked incredulously, noting that he was surrounded by a bunch of women who appeared to be hanging off his every word.
"Well, he's a great guy," my friend replied. "But here's the thing. When it comes to women, he comes across as super charming and like a great catch. But he's always going to cheat on his girlfriends. He does it because he can. Girls are always swarming all over him."

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I groaned, wondering how many women would have been fooled by his charms, made heartbroken by his infidelity and left a jaded mess for all eternity … just because the man in question felt he was somehow entitled (or addicted) to doing it while not giving a damn about the consequences.
Of course he's not alone in his behaviour. In fact, lately, it seems cheating is no longer something to be sniffed at, with infidelity, cheating and affairs running more rampant than one of Shane Warne's text messages.
But now scientists are saying that the ability to cheat really does lie in one's DNA. Yep, a study released in December last year finally claimed what many have thought all along: those who cheat are actually hard-wired to do so.
But not because they are male (as it's long been thought). Nor because they are wealthy, famous or having a midlife crisis. Instead, according to a study carried out by New York sexual science researcher Justin Garcia in 2010, cheaters have an actual "infidelity gene" - a variant of the DRD4 gene (the gene that drives pleasure and thrill-seeking behaviour) - which in turn is what makes some people predisposed to "repetitive, intense sexual sensation-seeking one-night stands and infidelity".
Some are calling it the "slut gene" or the "love rat gene" but, either way, perhaps acknowledging this biological fact makes it all the more comforting for the likes of Courtney Cox, Eva Longoria, Elizabeth Hurley or my friend Harriet (she discovered her boyfriend was cheating after she was found to have an STD, even though she had slept only with him) to know that their partners' infidelity has nothing to do with their looks, brains or sexual prowess. That it's not about these men finding someone better ...
But is there really (finally!) a viable scientific excuse for cheaters? Not so, says Garcia, who claims that, despite our genes, we can still control our behaviour.
In order to find out more about why cheaters do it (the eternal question which I still so often get asked), I picked up a book titled Men Who Can't Be Faithful written by Carol Botwin. The book outlines the types of men who can't keep it in their pants. Intrigued, I turned to the chapter titled "The Pedestal/Gutter Syndrome", which stated the following:
"When a man is single, he may take a woman out for a long time but never try to sleep with her. But he has an active sex life on the side with women he thinks of as sluts."
She says it's difficult for a man who suffers from this to remain faithful in a marriage and he often looks elsewhere for gratification.
Right.
The male friend who had alerted me to the charming cheater by the bar the other night, concurred with her description, telling me that it's definitely more likely for men to "cheat with trashy women" because they're "more obtainable". Plus the upside, he said, was that "these men don't have to worry about the post-shag cuddle". Charming.
Yet, said Botwin, there are plenty of cheating types. After reading the entire book (and feeling sick to my stomach at the realisation of just how many men out there have so many of these characteristics), I've decided to enlighten you about a few which I think are the more common. See what you think ...

Compulsive men
"They are using women for emotional gratification that has little to do with erotic pleasure," writes Botwin, "although that may be one of the by-products of their lifestyle." She claims these men compulsively look for a boost to their self-esteem in order to make themselves feel better, and do so by shagging as many women as possible. They get off on the lies, the sneaking around and their ability to get away with their infidelity for as long as possible. They always have an excuse for everything too, and they're often masterminds at hiding it all too.

"Me" men
Described by Botwin as "dynamic and winning", these men hide behind their seemingly perfect relationships. "Since narcissistic men regard the women in their lives as extensions of themselves, many of them like to be seen with beauties or women of status who will reflect glory upon them." But, deep down, Botwin notes that their relationships are based purely on self-interest. She says this sort of man never listens, has no empathy with anyone's feelings and has a deep-down feeling of insecurity, low self-esteem and inner emptiness. "He judges himself by how he appears to others ... And has an inordinate need to be admired." Which makes infidelity a given.

Women haters
"Men like this often use their penises as weapons," writes Botwin. "They conquer women as a form of aggression, and their aim is to hurt women emotionally." Enough said.

The mummy syndrome
These sorts of men – who constantly need a woman on their arm – will always find fault with their partners. And so the allure of an affair is being with a woman with whom "the affair seems like a relief from the repetition of old frustrations and conflicts that occur when a man projects qualities from a person in his childhood on to his adult partner".

So what's the solution? Can these men change, or is once a cheater always a cheater?
Of course you can never make someone change. There has to be a yearning deep inside them to want to shift their ways, become a better person and turn to honesty, openness and monogamy instead of the current path they're on. And, despite popular opinion that these men can't change, I have seen it happen: cheaters suddenly realising the amount of pain they've caused someone they love and care deeply about, and they finally do surmise that it is not worth their one night of sexual ecstasy with a hot stranger.

Of course, there are those compulsives who, despite promising to stop, do it again and again and again. For whom the consequences don't matter as much as satiating their urge - no matter if it stems from a biological, emotional or physical place. And those are the types from whom you should always just walk away, no matter how hard it may be, no matter how much you might love them.

MILFs/Cougars in or out?

Since when did being labelled a "cougar" become a dirty word? According to the Miami Herald, Cougar cruises are being banned, the Globe and Mail reported that advertisements for cougar websites are being taken down and an entire study was carried out to prove the whole cougar phenomenon didn't really exist and was instead all one big "cougar myth".
The survey, which was carried out by the University of Wales Institute in Cardiff, analysed the age preferences of 22,000 men and women using online dating sites across 14 countries. It found that most daters preferred the traditional older male/younger female combination. But does that mean cougars don't exist? I think not.
Yet even if Madonna, Demi Moore, Halle Berry and my colleague Carla (she's 36 dating a 24-year-old) aren't enough to prove that dating a much younger man is not only more socially acceptable but also the trend du jour, then you just have to take a look at the divorce statistics to see that, mathematically speaking, it's probably the better way to go.

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In 2007, the median age for women getting divorced had risen to 41.3 years, compared with 34.8 in 1988 (according to the Australian Bureau of Statistics). And with more 40-plus newly single women out there scouring the town for available men (whether it's for commitment or just a casual shag), I doubt they're going to find gents their own age hanging out in bars or nightclubs.
Which is probably why Canadian cougar Claudia Opdenkelder decided to create the dating website Cougarlife.com.
She was in town last week to promote the Australian launch of the site and I pounced at the chance to chat to her one-on-one about cougars, cubs and cup sizes ...
"The website is extremely popular because it's a service for younger men looking for older woman and vice versa," she said.
"The women are comfortable signing on because they don't have anything to hide; they're not pretending they're something they're not."
In addition to matching up age-inappropriate singletons, Opdenkelder's aim is to revamp the term "cougar" and to take away the negative stigma that is attached to it.
"I want to turn it into a representation of powerful women who are in their sexual prime."
When I asked her if younger men on the site were just looking for casual romps with sexually experienced women, she assured me that not all young men were the same.
“When I met my fiancé, he was 24, and he was ready for all that," she said.
At 26 he popped the question; she's just turned 40.
"There's a stigma with younger men that they all want to party and play video games. Not all of them are like that. There are plenty of young men who are cultured and come from good families and are therefore looking for a relationship early on."
But what about the pressure to keep up with her younger counterparts who may, too, be vying for her young man's attention?

The Demi Moore effect
A while back I was asked to write an article for a magazine on the Demi Moore effect. While she's long been described as smoking hot (who can forget that shaved head for her role in G.I. Jane, or her seductive pole dance in Striptease?), she's also long had an obsession with achieving and maintaining the perfect body, which seems to have been exacerbated since she hooked up with her much younger bloke Ashton Kutcher.
She recently admitted to going so far as to have leeches suck on her blood in the hope of cleansing her body and rumours are circulating that she paid a whopping 226,000 pounds for plastic surgery to whip herself into tip-top younger man-eating shape.
Included in her overall makeover is (allegedly) liposuction to her hips, thighs and stomach, breast implants, a breast lift, brow lifts, a chemical facial skin peel, collagen injections, teeth whitening, knee surgery, exercise coaches and more.
The problem that I found through my research, is that many older women ensconced in relationships with younger men are left scratching their heads and wondering what lengths they, too, need to go to in order to get and keep a super hot young man on their arms.
According to plastic surgeon to the stars Dr Joseph Ajaka from Cosmos Clinic in Sydney (who I interviewed for the story), the growth in plastic surgery among the women of Australia aged 40-plus has grown significantly as they opt for more botox, juvederm, liposuction and breast lifts.
But Opdenkelder assures me that not all older women feel the same pressure.
"All women feel some sort of pressure whether they're older than the man they're dating or not," she said, assuring me that she's all natural.
But hey, no one ever said that love was blind ...

What do you think? 
PS. I just met a man who recently turned 32. He told me that suddenly cougars were on his sexual menu.
"Now I can date women who are 10 years younger than me, but also 10 years older than me," he said. "It's great."
Do you think that a man has to be of a certain age and maturity in order to handle an older women? Do older women have a real future with younger men? Or are Demi and Claudia (who both don't look a day over 30) exceptions to the rule?

Innocent love

"This is not a love story." So says the omniscient narrator in the brilliant romantic comedy 500 Days of Summer.
The premise of the film? It shows off the male side of innocent love that is blinding, real and without fear of consequence.
The result? Heartbreak of the worst kind. Which is probably why the screenwriter decided to add the line that this no love story at all. Symptomatic of our generation's lukewarm opinion of love (or so I've discovered), this got me thinking about the notion of innocent love, and whether or not it's even a viable option these days.

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Sure, when you first fell in love as a teenager, you didn't care about religion or other social constraints that nowadays might force you in and out of relationships. Add to that the fact that you've also never experienced true heartbreak before, and it's easy to see why, when it comes to innocent love, ignorance is bliss.
I look at my parents who met when they were at university, married soon after and are still together after 30 years. Some might say that this is no way to live; that without trying (and not buying) everything that life has to offer, they'll always be wondering … what if?
But perhaps that's a better way to go, as evidenced by so many blokes these days who are not exactly that willing to give up their hearts all that quickly.
And after surveying quite a few of them, I've come to the realisation that all this recent malice towards love, commitment and settling down (as evidenced from the fact that the medium marriage ages for both men and women have increased) stems from a recent notion that has been brought to my attention from the men themselves: apparently us women are to blame.
Somehow, over the last decade or so, we've stomped on a few too many young male hearts who then become masters at getting what they want without getting emotionally attached in fear it will happen again. Why buy the cow (as the popular saying goes), when they rationalise that it will be too expensive anyway and will only break their heart.
Of course the notion of falling in love is a peculiar one. Nevertheless we all know (loosely) how it's supposed to all pan out: eyes meet across the room; hearts beat louder than a bass drum, hands clammy, knees weak. You anxiously pluck up the courage to go over to say hello. Sparks fly, hormones surge, chemistry goes crazy and nether regions tingle. Everything is supposed to fall in place when you finally meet The One. Or so we once thought.
But these days, a myriad thoughts run rampant through the minds of both sexes, which prevent such love from blossoming: Can they really make me happy? Is their biological clock in sync with mine? Are they financially stable? Do they have the same religious preferences as I do? Will my parents like them? Do they like the same foods as me? And the critical question of this decade: Are they really worth "settling down" for?
Because, after all, we're constantly being warned not to. We are increasingly lead to believe that these days we have so many choices! Life is so free! We are so liberated! Why settle when we have every opportunity at our fingertips!
But … do all these modern-day societal expectations, notions, checklists and warnings not to settle mean that we essentially miss out on our one true love? Are we all so darn scared of the consequences (and have already been burnt), that we find it almost impossible to truly take that leap of faith, to allow ourselves to fall innocently in love ever again?
Just the other night a guy told me that he's a commitment-phobe. His reason? Because he went through a tumultuous relationship at an impressionable age and as a result of this devastating turn of events, nowadays he feels he can never be open to pure, uninhibited love. At 30-plus years old, he's jaded, scarred and there's no going back.
Sure, he's had relationships since. But his ability to really let his heart open has been tarred by that one experience that he can't shake off no matter who he meets or how good things might be.
Is this symptomatic of our modern "have it all but won't settle own" generation?
Perhaps.
But let's look at the flipside: oddly, most of us go through life searching for someone to spend the rest of it with anyway, only to regret the ones we might have let get away. We might look at these people later down the track … with their partners, kids and even grandkids in tow and think … that could have or should have been me …
So who's to blame? Is it really the fact that since women have broken the hearts of so many men, that these heartbroken blokes are now the cause all the malice? Is it really the women who did the damage, as Summer (played by Zooey Deschanel) did to poor Tom in 500 Days of Summer?
Perhaps.
I've long been of the belief that, when love comes along, I'll see it and there'll be no denying that it's right and that it's forever. But when I'm constantly being faced with men who refuse to acknowledge it because they've been heartbroken in the past, I think to myself that innocent love may just have been lost forever. And that's a very sobering thought... even on Valentine's Day.
Happy Valentine's!

Lessons I've learnt being single

Whoever said being single was easy was either drunk, getting laid or lying. While many might recall that their single days were filled with booze-induced hook-ups, endless independence, indulgence, freedom and more booze, they will still tell you that there were times when it just wasn't all as fun, sexy and filled with hot, satiating sex as many make it out to be.
Over the past nine months I've listened to the stories of others (often shocking, sometimes nasty and always riveting), asked questions, spoken to the experts and learnt a heck of a lot about life, love and everything in between. So for those of you who are newly single, ready for a new relationship or just want to poke fun at the rest of us 4.7 million-odd lonesome souls who just can't seem to find a break ... here are the mistakes, lessons and facts I've learnt on the way. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Take at least three months to get to know someone before you think you're in love

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When you meet someone new who ticks most of your proverbial boxes, it's pretty easy to decide instantly that they could be "the one". Finally, after months (or years) you've met someone. Hooray! So you put all your eggs into this potentially good basket. You spend weeks (even months) putting huge amounts of effort into your new squeeze, without ever stopping to think that you should actually be getting to know the person, rather than just jumping blindly into a relationship because they meet some sort of checklist criteria. Because as the weeks (or months) wear on and you suddenly find out a few unsightly things about them, they might not be so appealing after all. But, wait, you're in love! You thought they were "the one"! You told all your friends! So now what? Pain, hurt, embarrassment and thoughts of "I'll never meet anyone" race through your mind. And then you find yourself back at square one: alone and desperately looking for love and thinking you've found it in less than the time it takes to eat dessert together just because you want it so darn badly.

Don't think you can stay emotionally detached from your bonk buddy 
When you're a sexually starved singleton, the knowledge that most men are up for it most of the time means that it's pretty easy to get laid. So you do. And then you realise that the bloke you've just bonked is up for nothing more than a semi-regular horizontal hanky panky session. You surmise that, since the sex isn't too bad, you might as well get lucky a few times a week or month, rather than sit alone eating take-out for one. But, inevitably, something starts to happen: you start slowly to become emotionally attached to your bonk buddy. And then, before you know it, you're fully-fledged in love, and he's just using you … for sex. It's not a good feeling when you finally tell him your thoughts only to have him brush you aside like yesterday's newspaper.

Never date a friend ... at least until you're 100 per cent certain
When you suddenly become single, there's a weird urge to scroll through the Facebook profiles of old friends/lovers/ones you let get away so as to ascertain if any are newly single, if you might click with an old flame again or simply to bide the time. So you make an arrangement to catch up with one who responds to see if it could work, and you're mightily glad if it does. So you end up making out and then inevitably regretting it the next day. The friendship will never be the same and all the reasons as to why it didn't work in the first place are conjured up. The solution? Don't go there. It's not worth the risk, the shame and losing the other half of your social crowd.

Find yourself a group of single friends but set the ground rules first
You're suddenly alone and you're ecstatic that you've found a bunch of mates to accompany you on your single girl or single bloke expeditions. You love to talk about everything from boys to bonking to everything in between, and relish the fact you've got something to do every Saturday night with people who aren't talking about babies, buying frying pans or taking out joint mortgages. But when two of you out of the group suddenly become interested in the same target, or you find yourself on a date with one of their ex-flings, things can become a tad tricky. Suddenly things aren't so hunky dory any more and jealousy, bitchiness and girl-on-girl fights (or boxing matches) ensue. The way around it? Set up the boundaries beforehand. Find out which people they have an absolute no-go-there rule on, and then quite simply don't go there. Oh, and if you're out together and someone who you're interested in is clearly into them, let them go with it. Tell them that they should do the same for you, and no one will get hurt. We hope.

Ditch people with toxic energy
Without a partner to go home to, many tend to attract stage-five clingers. Yet without an escape route, the last thing you need is toxic energy from toxic people coming into your life to bring your spirits down and take up all your spare time. Rid yourself of the people in your world who don't offer you any value but who instead try to suck the life and energy out of you. You're going to need all your energy for yourself if you're going to be fully equipped to deal with the treacherous dating jungle without negative influences in your life.

Ditch the games 
I know, I know ... this is a tough one. But with all the rules, games and confusing dating norms around, there's no doubt you're perplexed by what to do, when to do it, who pays, when to have sex, when to deflect their advances, when to play hard to get, when to put in the effort and when to let your guard down. Whew. And that's only in the beginning! If there's one thing I've learnt, it's that, while there are no hard and fast rules, sometimes women tend to do something that ensures they put their foot in it no matter how into them the guy may be at first. I call it "fantasy jumping" whereby you concoct an entire relationship future in your head and envision how far things might progress only to realise (later on) that the person in question was envisioning nothing of the sort. Don't get ahead of yourself, get to know them first and, from thereon in, any action you take with that in mind will reflect the fact you're just getting to know them. If they don't like you because you call or text too many times, they're not the right person for you anyway. Mature daters don't need games to spark sexual attraction. Or so we hope.

Girls have got to smarten up 
Always find yourself sitting at home waiting for his text message, regretting jumping into bed with him too soon, complaining there are no decent men in this town and always getting dumped? You've got to smarten up. And, by that, I mean toughen up. There's the cliche that you've got to kiss a lot of frogs in order to find your prince and, with that in mind, it makes things not seem so bad after all. Everyone goes through it, everyone experiences the same caddish treatment, but remember: what you put out there is what you get back. Don't be that girl.

Don't let your biological clock cloud your judgment
The biggest topic of contention that has come up in recent discussions has been the loud ticking of the female biological clock. Men understand it's there, but they don't want to be told about it too early on in the union either (if at all). They know that many women want them to commit as soon as possible, but you need to know that men fear compromising their freedom, sex life and lifestyle any time soon, if ever. Of course there are those dudes who are mature enough to realise it might soon be time to settle down, but most are scared off by a woman mentioning anything of the sort. "It should happen naturally!" they say, and then avoid the topic for as long as the woman will let them. Hence the trick is to get him thinking about it when the time is right, but not to put pressure on him either.

Forget social norms 
Religion, age, life-stage and a whole lot of other confusing factors play a big role in making a relationship work. But when you find someone you feel is worth sticking around for, you might want to put your prejudices aside. If you fear others will judge you, remember that they aren't the ones who have to live your life; you do.

Men need to start caring what women think
For all those men complaining they're still single, here's a quick word of advice: start actually caring what women think. Sure, you might want to get sex as fast (and cheaply) as possible, but you still want love, a companion and a partner as much as the fairer sex, right? But here's the reality: you need to start understanding women if ever you want to get one to stick around for the long haul. So many men tell me they're finding it hard to meet a woman and that they believe all Aussie girls are just princesses who demand too much and that they could never make them happy. Not true. Instead just wisen up! Find out what women want, what they like, what they respond well to, how they want to be treated. And then just do it. As a guy recently said to me, it will start becoming a case not of if you'll get a girlfriend, but when. It's rare I meet a man who exhibits these qualities. Seriously. So many of them go blindly into things, not giving two hoots about what women think, how we operate or what our preferences are, whether it be in the bedroom or elsewhere. If you're confused, ask her. No woman has ever scoffed at a man for asking her what she prefers.

Don't be jealous of your hitched-up friends
They don't have it so easy all the time either. But it's actually healthy to be around loved-up couples as often as possible (even if it makes you gag) as it puts everything into perspective, gives you hope that real love is indeed out there, and also enables you to see first-hand that relationships aren't always smooth sailing. Plus, they'll probably tell you to enjoy your single life for as long as bloody possible, which makes all these confusing rules, regulations and bad experiences seem not so bad after all ...

Can you ever change a man?

Can you change a man? God knows I've tried. I wanted my man to be more social, less flirtatious, more in tune with my emotions, less closed about his. I told him time and time again that I wanted him to change; he didn't. And so I retaliated. I partied without him, told other men my feelings (and was surprised when they actually listened!), became more distant from him and closer to others. He struck back – by becoming more distant from me. And suddenly there was an ocean so vast between us that we had no choice but to call it quits.
Many a woman finds herself in a similar dilemma: she loves her man but can't stand a few things about him. She doesn't want to dump him, but also doesn't want to be with him unless he changes. So she tries to tweak him, nag him, belittle him. And when he fights back (or her pleas fall on deaf ears), she feels lost and alone.
True, women are picky, which, in my opinion, is why blokes so often tell us that we're a little too complicated for their simplistic tastes and expectations. But when I hear of the number of problems so many women face, I can't help but empathise with their yearning to change their men, just a tad.

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My girlfriend Kate complained that her boyfriend wasn't the spring chicken in bed he once was. Their sex life had dwindled, their energy levels had both waned and he was no longer into pleasing her first, if at all.
"How do I get him to want to have more sex?" she asked. I wasn't sure. When she tried to broach the topic with him, he brushed it off. After months of dwindling affection, she eventually decided it was time to leave. Not because of the sex (although that was indeed a factor), but because she was mightily unhappy. And since her man wasn't making an effort to please her, listen to her or change, she figured that he just didn't love her enough any more.
Julia says she's sick to death of her partner's penchant for perving on other women. "What can I do about his wandering eye?" she asked.
I questioned a bunch of dudes at the weekend – who happened to be at a party I attended filled with scantily-clad women – if indeed there was anything to be done about this conundrum.
"Nothing. We're all just animals," one declared. "I want to have sex really badly with every girl in a mini skirt," he continued, eyeing the talent. "It doesn't mean that, in truth, I really want to have sex with them, but my brain is definitely sending me some weird unconscious messages."
So will men ever change? I don't think so. Nevertheless, we try to tweak, morph and modify our blokes in the hope they'll eventually realise that we are right, they are wrong and that, if they want to keep us happy, content and faithful, they'd better make some alterations, and fast. After all, happy wife, happy life, right?
Being single, I meet loads of men on a constant basis. And while I've realised a heck of a lot of things about dating (some of the lessons I've learnt will be revealed in Thursday's column), the one thing I've discovered is how to be quicker at picking up on the warning signs that they're not the right guy for me.
I know this from my own personal list of non-negotiables. Does he like my friends? Does he flirt with other women in front of me? Does he take drugs? Is he a man-child commitment-phobe? And will he dump me the minute he gets what he wants, or stick around for at least another date?
After months of getting disappointed (and hoping he will change, only to realise he won't) these days, instead of diving head first into a relationship, I work out (before the first kiss) whether or not he fits the bill. Because, if he does show traits that annoy me, I will tell him that we can no longer go on because I don't want to date a man who does X and Y, and I value myself too much to accept that sort of behaviour. But the real reason is that, no matter how much I like a man, I know the axiom is true: you can't change a man. So when you choose him, you must accept him "as is", otherwise you'll both run into major relationship snags.
My friend Matt tells me the problem men have with women who want to change them is that no man wants to date a woman who reminds him of his mother.
"Women who nag or tell us what to do, or tell us to change, remind us of our mothers. No man wants to date their mothers, regardless of what research may tell you."
He also tells me that I don't need to accept anything I don't like from a man because I am a strong, independent woman who needs no one. And he's right: when you believe you're OK on your own, one of two things happens: either you meet someone who shares your morals and values (and you have the strength to reject the rest, no matter how desperate you are to settle down), or you find someone who is different but who complements you so you enjoy learning from each other.

Surely there's go to be a way?
In a weird twist of fate, at the time my long-term relationship broke down, I was asked to co-write a book about how to get men to do things they might not otherwise want to do.
Titled The Man Whisperer, the book details a new method of feminine communication that doesn't involve nagging, manipulation or "mothering" a man, but nevertheless encourages him to tweak his behaviour.
The premise is simple: speak to him in a way he understands (without barraging him with too many requests at once or interrupting him when he's doing something else, such as watching the footy or drinking a beer with his mates) and it's a win-win situation.
As I wrote the book, I realised that I'd been going about trying to change my man in all the wrong ways. I'd been putting him down, instead of boosting him.
I wanted to talk when he was busy (and discovered – shock, horror – that men can only do one thing at a time). And despite knowing what type of man I'd become involved with, I now wanted him to change.
Of course, it's not my fault, nor his. As Einstein said: "Women marry men hoping they will change, men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed."
Yet we still try to change him anyway. No wonder we're still struggling with the battle of the sexes ...

Sophia Abella mimics Bollywood Priyanka Chopra in her Calendar 2011

Sophia Abella in fresh Bollywood pairs to hit the silver screen

Sophia Abella apes Kim Kardashian's Playboy and Heidi Klum's GQ naked photoshoot

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The art of female seduction

Ah, seduction. Everyone wants to know the secret of it; few have mastered it, and many have been burnt by it. But as the writers of the Melbourne-based The Modern Man blog (who spent the past five years approaching more than 10,000 women around the globe - what a gig!), recently wrote: "Men are born with a natural, inbuilt ability to seduce women."

I once thought that one of the great things about being a woman was that seduction was simply a case of whipping on a mini skirt, some killer heels, swabbing on a pouty gloss, wearing a push-up bra and voila! - the blokes will fall head over heels.

Not so much. These days men have caught onto our little act and have become a tad more discerning with what they find attractive, and what they don't.
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And, since most of the fairer sex (including moi), aren't exactly creatures who have this inbuilt ability to conquer and seduce, how the heck are we supposed to do it? And, more importantly, what qualities do those women possess who seem to be extra good at managing to seduce the opposite sex?

I have a girlfriend – let's call her Faith – who is one such woman who possess an innate skill. A bona fide man-magnet, it seems every time we head out together – whether it be to a bar, the beach, a work event or the supermarket – something strange happens. Men turn, stop, stare and then, after a few minutes of conversation, they ask for her number.

But here's the thing about Faith: she's not super skinny, doesn't wear designer clothes, has average sized breasts and isn't your typical beauty either. Sure, she's reasonably pretty, amenable and can make a mean spaghetti bolognese. But the blokes don't know that yet. So what's the big appeal?

When I asked my male friend Matt (who, by the way, is a master at seduction himself and so can't help but date multiple women at once without ever feeling the need to settle down), he told me that some women just ooze the fact that they're "up for it".

"Men fear rejection," he says. "So we've learnt right away how to tell whether or not a woman might be interested," he says. "Women who give you the cold shoulder – we men don't bother with them. But if they are smiling, warm and seem open to new possibilities, we can sense it right away. And that's when we go in for the kill."

Not entirely convinced of his argument, and in lieu of discovering Faith's real appeal, I've been reading the book Art Of Seduction by Robert Greene, who has dubbed this sort of female seductress "The Siren", and says the reason she is so effective at getting a man's boxers in a knot is that she plays into the male fantasy ... flawlessly.

Writes Greene:

"A man is often secretly oppressed by the role he has to play, always having to be responsible, in control, and rational. The Siren is the ultimate male fantasy figure because she offers a total release from the limitations of his life. In her presence, which is always heightened and sexually charged, the male feels transported to a world of pure pleasure. She is dangerous, and in pursuing her energetically the man can lose control over himself, something he yearns to do. The Siren is a mirage; she lures men by cultivating a particular appearance and manner. In a world where women are often too timid to project such an image, learn to take control of the male libido by embodying his fantasy."

He uses the example of the ancient Queen Cleopatra who seduced not one, but two of the most powerful men in the world at the time. It wasn't her looks that nabbed her both Julius Caesar and Mark Antony (although she didn't step out the house without being dressed to kill or a full face of makeup), but instead she did just what Greene asserts is The Siren's most powerful weapon: she played into the male fantasy and used her irresistible charm and power of seduction to make men fall hopelessly at her feet.

(It's no surprise that modern-day seductress Angelina Jolie is set to play her in an upcoming remake of the film Cleopatra .)

And here's the other thing: Cleopatra was smart. She was able to hold a conversation with any man about anything from medicine to mathematics, and she was darn good at using her feminine wiles to get her way. (Who said men don't like smart women?)

Fast-forward to the present day, and modern seductress Dita Von Teese tells of a very different tactic. While she too uses fantasy to capture male imagination, that's where her seduction techniques end.

"I'm not very aggressive," she told Britain's Hello! magazine. "I don't seduce and destroy. I like to be chased, but I'm not into playing hard to get."

A guy sitting next to me while I'm writing this story at a cafe (who I soon discover drives a yellow Ferrari) tells me that her methodology is exactly the way to woo a man:

"I don't like to be seduced; it actually turns me off. If I get seduced, I will run."

Even if she's stunningly beautiful?

"It doesn't matter how attractive she is or great her personality is," he says. "I like to do the chasing."

His tactics?

"When I want to seduce a girl, I will go out of my way to do nice things for her."

And then, as though it's an afterthought, he adds, "Oh, and the car helps too..."

Bollywood Exclusive Sophia Abella Calendar 2011 Inspired Priyanka Chopra

Are you the reason you're still single?

Does everyone fear settling in case a better option is around the corner?

I'm all for settling down. In fact not too long ago, a man who I went on a date with asked me what exactly I wanted out of life.
"A boyfriend," I told him, before instantly regretting my answer. "Well, actually not yet," I demurred.

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"Why not?" he asked.
"Well, I don't really know what's out there yet to be able to make a proper decision."
And it seems I'm not alone. Modern singletons (who can't seem to settle down), have been dubbed the "Choisters" (a combination of "choice" and "oyster") – describing those who are inundated by choices and have a hearty belief that the world is his or her oyster and hence remain single for longer.

This term was coined by the authors of a book titled The Choice Effect: Love and Commitment in an Age of Too Many Choices, who say that, when it comes to love and settling down, our generation is in big, big trouble. "We love choices, but hate choosing," they write.
Ah, choice. We all want it, we all strive to get it and we're all elated when we have an abundance of it. Surely having a range of choices is a good thing, right? Surely having more options means you're better equipped to make more suitable decisions?
Well, not according to psychologists Dr Sheena S. Iyengar and Dr Mark R. Lepper. They say choice can actually be demotivating and lead to poor decisions (or no decision at all), dissatisfied customers and buyer's remorse.
To prove their theory, in 2000 the pair set up an experiment at a popular upscale supermarket in California. One day they offered passers-by a selection of six types of jam; on another day they offered 24 choices.
What they discovered was in fact the opposite of what one might first think. Instead of more choice garnering more sales, 30 per cent of people bought jams when there were just six choices available, while only 3 per cent made purchases when there were more choices available. Which leads the psychologists to concur that the more choices we're faced with, the harder it is to make a decision and the less likely we are to settle with one (if any) of the options.
Author Barry Schwartz concurred with their findings. In his 2004 work entitled The Paradox of Choice: Why More is Less, he concluded that the more choice people have, the less fulfilled they perceive themselves to be when they finally make the decision to stick with one option.
But back to dating. It seems that, thanks to the proliferation of social networking and internet dating websites, all this choice has given rise to a conundrum for those who are dating: no one is willing to commit to just one person. Or at least not until they feel they've sampled enough goods to know just what they want.
"There might be someone better suited to me out there," claimed one Lothario when I asked him why he kept the fact that he had a girlfriend a secret from every other woman he met. Instead of remaining faithful to his girlfriend of a few months and putting all his eggs into one female basket (so to speak), he was still (albeit secretly) playing the field.
"It will take me ages to work out whether or not I even like her that much. How will I know unless I see what else is out there and whether there's someone better?" he said. Yeouch.
My colleague Rebecca tells this worrying tale: after sleeping with a man she'd been on a couple of dates with, he declared they could not speak in public. "I have a girlfriend," he said. "But we're kind of on and off, so right now we're off." Sure they are.
Her tale reminded me of the book Men Who Can't Be Faithful, in which author Carol Botwin told a similar story.
She began to date a man who told her, "I'm seeing someone else, but I'm not seeing her right now."
What he meant by that she wasn't quite sure. But since he was so evidently charming, sexy and successful, she surmised that surely he could not be that bad! Surely he's not fibbing! Surely he really, really likes her! That was until she met his supposed on/off girlfriend (she believed they were very much "on"), as well as a bunch of other women who had all been burned by this man who believed the female population was ripe for his picking.
And it's not only the men who are inflicted with the "something better out there" syndrome either.
A male friend of mine from New York met a woman, asked her out and was introduced to her family. "I'm in for sure!" he emailed me excitedly after he got the nod of approval from her folks.
Yet when he searched for her on Facebook, he was shocked to discover that her profile photo was of her and another man. Add insult to injury was the fact that her Facebook status clearly stated "In a relationship". Her excuses were abundant: "He's overseas. We're long distance. We're in an open relationship. I swear!"
I've experienced this same conundrum three times - men who've asked me out, wooed me, told me they were into me and then later revealed they actually had a girlfriend. The experiences of a female friend of mine goes one step worse: she's experienced it four times. Four times men have duped her into dating them when they were (unbeknown to her) already in a relationship with someone else.
And boy, are these sorts good at what they do.
They'll cleverly disguise the fact they're playing the field, rope you in, chew you up and then spit you out when they tell you (finally!) that they're seeing someone else. All the while they use you to test the waters (or fuel their egos - whatever comes first), yet they're still not sure if you're the better choice after all so they keep you hanging by a thread ... just in case.
But can we blame them? Or should we rather be looking at the sources of all these choices, where singletons of all ages, sexes and demographics are ripe for the picking?
As an experiment a while back, I signed up to dating website RSVP. When I plugged in the fact that I wanted to meet a male in NSW aged between 30 and 35 who didn't smoke and had a legitimate job, out popped more than 600 potential suitors. The choices were endless, and not lacking in quality either.
Peruse the top 100 list on the dating website on any given day, and you could easily mistakenly believe you've stumbled across a GQ photo shoot rather than a who's who of Australia's desperate and dateless.
Sure, there is nothing wrong with having a back-up plan. And it's only natural sometimes to feel dissatisfied and unfulfilled in your current relationship. But if you ditch your beau (or continue to play the field) in the hope that something better is out there, you might end up a little disappointed.
Because take it from me: the grass isn't always greener … even if it appears that way from your side of the fence ...