Sophia Abella: Confessions Of An Enigma: Conquer And Divide

I am fairly secure in what I want from life and love. I've been fortunate in life to have known love, and have some wonderful memories and experiences that I have drawn upon over the years. And as such, it does allow me the ability to share with someone what I feel, think and even dream for in finding a mate. I am a realist by design, and a true romantic by nature. In being so, it has given me a view of the world and my part within that allows me to see what is possible and to envision what could be. To know I can be comfortable in myself sexually and to share openly that I am uninhibited, forthright and impassioned.

Seems only to look, discover and decide that if that one special person comes into my life, I can share with him earnestly and even specifically those things that I see to be what would necessitate a true, real and honest connection. While also having the capacity to give and receive kindred passions and romance. Even further with others thoughts about the alternation of acquiescence and ascendance that I, too, share the idea, understanding and excitement of finding man who can share such pleasures for a lifetime with me. For I gain my pleasure from pleasing my lover; and to find a man who would be this way in kind would be the true pinnacle were it to belong to a love everlasting. I'm am quite receptive to sharing my thoughts and desires when it comes to this subject; so feel free to ask any questions or thoughts regarding this with me.

From my past experiences and heartbreak I have come to also be cautious with whom I'll make such a deep and total commitment to when it comes to a lifelong relationship. Though I've enjoyed connecting with others and have shared many thoughts and dreams, I am not one who will simply start professing affection or more to merely seek out the same in return. However, when the moment arrives when there is a connection that surpasses and engulfs me in a manner that shows there are the passions of love developing, then he could evermore be assured that no other would ever come into my life. I am someone who knows only how to love one man, and only to love totally and completely.....for a lifetime means to give all of me to "him" holding nothing back and expecting and needing the same from him. Yes honesty and open communication are essential to any relationship. Realizing that life and people are not perfect is mandatory.
All we can hope for to attain true happiness is confidence in ourselves and each other no matter how difficult it is at times. The world is a very unforgiving place but as long as we know that our intentions come from the heart without malice we can find happiness. We just need someone to share that with. Any relationship is a compromise but when two people find someone that complements their existence and brings meaning to their lives true compatibility. In today's society it is easy to be overcome by outside influences and prejudices but two people that are truly compatible can battle and overcome these sometimes overbearing odds. Sex is the ultimate union of closeness between two people that can be enjoyed and fulfill everyone's innermost mental and physical desires. I know it is hard to find genuine people with real, honest emotions but we must strive for it because if not, all hope is lost.

http://www.asiancemagazine.com/2011/10/30/confessions-of-an-enigma-conquer-and-divide-

Bait 'n' Hook: beware the deadbeat in disguise

Last week The Atlantic magazine came out with a cover story that says women are struggling to find men because all blokes these days are either "deadbeats" or "playboys".

Kate Bolick, 39, the never-married writer of the story (which has made major waves online, with the men recoiling and the women applauding), says that, with the disruption to the romantic market because of the "explosion of male joblessness and a steep decline in men's life prospects, a woman's search for a man is rendered hopeless".

Hopeless? Really? While I have to disagree with her (it only takes meeting one remarkable bloke to change one's mind), on the flip side, many single blokes have realised that so many women share Bolick's sentiment.
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Single, randy men have discovered that, with so many of these "hopeless" women desperate to get hitched to just about anyone, their chances of a pick-up have never been easier.

Hence the smart (sly?) blokes have figured out that all they need to do to stand out from the deadbeat crowd is express a simple sentiment: tell the women they meet they want to settle down as quickly as possible.

You see, when a man tells a woman that he wants to settle down, get married and have kids ... and tells her on the first night, on the first date or very early on in the courtship process (yes, it happens), it's like balm to a woman's ears.

Suddenly she's thinking that Bolick's argument is utter bollocks.

"I've finally met a man who wants to settle down right now!" she says in glee. "Who said anything about deadbeats or playboys? There are marriage-minded men out there after all. Hooray!"

But, ladies, beware. He could be using the newest form of "bait 'n' hook" on the dating block – the new, fool-proof pick-up line that modern men have realised will be guaranteed to get them attention, a second date and, most importantly, to get them laid the fastest.

If you think about it, it's a brilliant modus operandi. Simply tell a woman you want to settle down as quickly as possible and she'll be like putty in your hands. Panties will fly off, text messages declaring her love will incessantly beep into your iPhone and you'll be hailed the new male hero of the decade.

You are the knight in shining armour who has arrived to save her from her sad, sorry, single life and all her problems are instantly solved thanks to you swooping in.

Examples I've recently heard being tossed around by these supposedly marriage-minded Prince Charmings include: "I want to get married"; "I'm extremely picky"; "I can't wait to have children"; "I'm tired of the dating game"; "I just want to settle down already" and so on.

But, alas, the promises from these seemingly eager men do not exactly ever come to fruition.

"I want to get married" quickly turns to "I just want a casual sex relationship but since I'm the perfect guy and might one day want to get married, you should stick around … you could be the lucky one I choose when I eventually do!"

And, all too suddenly, the female lone rangers are back to being just that … alone and at home on a Saturday night, eating dinner for one.

So how do you know if a man is being truthful or deceitful?

Bolick says that the telltale sign is to look at his bank balance. "The more successful a man is (or thinks he is), the less interested he is in commitment," she writes.

But I disagree. In fact, of the many blokes I've interviewed, it mostly appears that the more successful they are and the more they feel they have got to the point in their lives at which they are financially stable enough to support and provide for a family, the more they feel they are finally ready to commit and the more serious (and real) they are about it all.

Bolick then says that another key, telltale sign as to whether or not a guy is fibbing about his supposed non-existent commitment-phobia is his age. Bolick calls it "Marriage O'Clock": the point at which a man hits 35 and "suddenly, desperately, wants a wife".

Or so these 35-plus men say. But again I wonder if these men really stand by the things they say.

I can only imagine a man of that age becomes so used to his freedom, autonomy and rampant sex life, that there's no need for him to spread half his time, his house and his income on a woman … for the rest of his life.

I can also imagine that the likes of George Clooney et al have finessed the fine art of the female pick-up and know exactly what to say about their stance on marriage, commitment and their plans ("with you in it!") in order to get women in bed.

My thoughts? Women should smarten the hell up and start to think not whether the man wants to get married and if she's good enough to be the one he picks, but whether or not he is actually worthy of her and whether or not he is marriage material. Because most often, those who shout the loudest usually have the emptiest arguments ...

What do you think?

PS. I'm also pretty sure that there are women who also put an argument with no merit or truth to it, telling a man they're happy to be ensconced in a "friends with benefits" situation when in reality they want nothing of the sort. Instead many attempt to weasel their way into his heart, only to get better and jaded when he recoils at the thought of something more serious.

Either way, in my books, there's simply no room for deception in a relationship. If someone isn't being honest about their intentions, and instead are manipulating, lying or not being real, they're simply not worth your time in the first place ...

Have a great weekend and happy dating!

Brazilian, boobs and the chop what would you do in the name of love?

Apparently some blokes are willing to do anything in the name of love. I'm not talking about waxing their nads or spending three months of their salary on a diamond ring or even swapping a golf game for a visit to the in-laws. Instead I'm talking about something far more life altering and perhaps a little cringe-worthy …

In a recent article in the New York magazine and another in the Daily Mail, it has been revealed that, a decade ago, Guy Ritchie got circumcised for his then wife, Madonna. Yes, apparently, in order to fit in with her Kabbalah-inspired requirements, Ritchie underwent the procedure to get rid of his foreskin before his wedding in 2000.

While this kind of sacrifice is a little beyond what normal women might expect from their new bloke, it nevertheless got me thinking about sacrifices that ought to be made (or not even requested by one's other half) for the sake of a relationship.
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Over the past weekend I spoke to two women who had both moved from their home towns for their partners. One moved interstate, the other moved overseas and neither was too happy about it.

"But I did it for love," they both told me on separate occasions. "It's not every day you find a guy as awesome as [insert new boyfriend's name here]," they both said.

Then there was the woman whose boyfriend was demanding something a little less sacrificial, but nevertheless perhaps just as painful: a Brazilian wax.

"I'm not doing it, out of principle," she snapped. "Even though men might expect it these days, I can't believe he had the audacity to ask for it."

Then there are those changes that cannot be reversed. Like a woman I know whose boyfriend requested she get a boob job and even promised to pay for it. She ended up getting one and they ended up breaking up anyway. Nice.

On the other end of the scale, my girlfriend Jackie once dated a guy who insisted she not wear anything too revealing or sexy. Especially when he was not around.

"I don't want you going out looking like that," he'd say as she stepped out the door in a miniskirt and high heels. He told her that he preferred her in jeans, flats, her hair pulled back and less make-up on her face.

While at the time she bathed in the warm knowledge that he liked her au natural, she quickly discovered that it was his way of controlling her and making sure no other man gave her any attention.

Of course there are harmless (perhaps even beneficial) sacrifices that your partner might ask you to make such as losing weight, quitting smoking, becoming a vegetarian, taking up yoga, doing more washing, spending less money … As many men might even say: if she makes me a better man, why not?

Sure, we all want to please our partners and to show that we are willing to compromise and sacrifice things in order to make them happy.

And, yes, many of us are prepared to move cities, countries, remove hair, grow hair ... whatever the case may be.

But when we're forced to lose our authentic selves (and parts of our bodies) in the name of keeping our partners happy, that's when we might want to question their motivations and ask whether it's really worth it in the end ...

Read more: http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/life/blogs/ask-sam/brazilian-boobs-and-the-chop--what-would-you-do-in-the-name-of-love-20111023-1mepg.html#ixzz1cFzBMep9

Modern women who can cook: a minority?

They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. But when it comes to modern women in aprons (a rare sight?), it seems they aren't exactly satiating a bloke's hunger pangs or setting his heart on fire with their lamb roasts and chocolate soufflés.

These days, according to the complaints from single blokes, my newly engaged mate Tom and a very fiery Gordon Ramsay, too many women nowadays are living in a haze caused by the Sex and the City hangover – where ovens are used to store clothing (OK, maybe not that far but you get my drift) and women prefer to do other things (yoga, shopping, working, drinking mojitos) than spending the evening organic grocery shopping and whipping up a hearty meal for two.

The Good Food Channel in Britain backed up this hypothesis with a study of 2000 men and women, finding that one in six women simply can't cook.
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So, is the ancient art of winning a man's heart – that was once passed down from generation to generation – dying with the advent of the modern, independent woman? Do women nowadays believe that feminism gave them the right to put down their spatula and leave the oven to the blokes? Has the climb up the corporate ladder meant that women have stepped on their domesticity in favour of … well, not bothering at all?

And the ultimate question: is this what modern men are actually drawn to?

Somehow I don't think so.

"I don't know any girls these days who actually want to cook for a guy," Brad, a 36-year-old singleton, said to me the other day. He's struggling to find a girlfriend who is smart and independent, but not so independent that she refuses to step into the kitchen.

"Well, I don't have time to cook because I have a full-time job – as do most women my age," retorted Mirabella, a 29-year-old graphic designer.

"Also their mums don't say you've got to get a man and cook for him," said Brad.

Mirabella: "Well, you don't actually need a man any more because you are self sufficient and you can sustain yourself. It's a different mentality now. Women are educated now. They go to university and they spend five years studying and then going to get a job. They are not looking for a man or a husband. They are too busy chasing a career. Before, when you were 16 and growing up, the girl would be learning how to cook and all these domesticated things. They'd finish school and by the time they were 18 or 21, they were married."

Brad: "And then, when you find the guy, you can't cook for him!"

Mirabella: "But that's the point. Modern women don't care about that stuff. It's not really on our radar."

Brad: "Well I say that women are losing the mothering/wife ability. Isn't that the male paradox – a man wants someone like their mother?"

Mirabella: "I guess. I ain't doing it though."

I watched their debate in awe, wondering if the stereotypes I so often talk about in this column were actually a reality.

Women such as Mirabella are aplenty. Why cook when you can work, make money and spend that precious time doing other things? Somehow it seems that looking after a man is against all that feminism had to offer. Aren't we all more self-sufficient now? But does that also mean that many women are missing out on nabbing a man?

I don't know.

What I do know is that I've spent the past week in the country. I've seen traditional values being played out among my peers, young couples, singles and marrieds.

Everything is actually quite balanced. There aren't hordes of desperate single women scouring nightclubs or bars for available men, constantly complaining there are no decent blokes in their town and heading to therapy to work on their "issues" with "players", cads and men who are dating three other women, unbeknown to them.

The country men are much the same: they want to meet a woman to settle down with. They aren't chasing the next skirt or their next fruitless casual sex encounter. It's true ... and it's mightily refreshing.

I'm a feminist, but at the same time, it seems gender equality and the modern city lifestyle haven't exactly provided us with a happier, more fulfilling life. Unfortunately things (especially for single people) have become way too complicated.

Outside the big city, nothing seems that confusing. People are clear about their intentions. People actually value relationships, love, romance, marriage and starting a family.

And surprise, surprise – the women can actually cook and aren't afraid to say it ...

Sophia Abella: Babydoll Assassin Battles Fresh-human Sperm In Beijing

It was a cold evening in Beijing Dec 2007. Very very cold. So cold that I was trembling in my corset dress. I was with my friends in an open coffee shop of a five star hotel.

The evening was perfect except for the freezing weather. I placed an order for some Shiraz wine to keep myself warm.

A tall white hunk dressed in a grey suit walked up to me. For a moment, I thought he was going to buy me a drink. While I was still imagining, the cool dude, who was now right across the table introduced himself as the General Manager of the hotel, and asked me if all was well.

Before I could respond, he leaned forward and whispered, ‘Shawl’? I nodded with a mischievous smile. With two shawls wrapped up around me and a glass of vintage Japanese wine,I was beginning to experience perfect bliss.

The handsome manager excused himself to attend to some regular meetings. My friends, who were nonexistent to me for a brief while, suddenly seemed lively and amusing entities.

The table looked beautiful with Japanese wine, a cheese platter, some stir fried prawns and potatoes, sweet corn and garlic mushrooms. I was giggling, laughing, drinking, eating – all at the same time. Betwixt all this, there was something buzzing that caught my attention.

It was my Blackberry! The number flashing on the screen of my phone was not on my address book. And so, I did the usual, which is to ignore. The caller kept calling. I assumed it would stop sooner or later. But it did not. At this point in time, I was irritated and curious.

I decided to speak to the unknown caller who was desperately seeking my attention. Who knows, might be my Prince. Naughtily laughing.

The desperate caller said, ‘Hello Miss Sophia’.

I was patiently waiting for the caller to go on. He said, he was an avid fan and, requested that I speak to him for a few minutes. I did not interrupt him.

He asked me how the experience of being a transgender now became a full-blown " Sophisticated Woman".
I said, ‘Quite challenging’.

He asked me to elaborate on some of the highlights. I refused to do so as I did not want to revisit memories filled with hurt, pain, remorse and resentment.

I then took a piece of gigantic prawn from the platter which was staring at me for quite some time. It felt as though it was seducing me, ‘Don’t just stare at me, taste me. I’m worth it’. So, I put the fried prawn gently into my mouth.

While the gigantic prawn was still in my mouth, the journo popped his next question, ‘Do you use human sperm as facial care regimen?

I did not react. I thought I misunderstood him. I said with my mouth wide open, struggling to chew the prawn, ‘Hmm that’s something’? I’m eating prawn, not oyster.

He repeated his question. It was the same! How could it be the same!! Maybe, I was hearing strange things. Maybe this is what happens when one lives caged in a society where you embraced charms and attention.

Just then, the fried prawn in my mouth slipped into my food pipe. I guess I must have swallowed it. My reaction was involuntary. It was truly beyond my hormonal control. Seeing me choke, my girlfriends offered me water, wine, any liquid on the table that they could lay their hands on. I gulped my glass of wine, which was half full. I was feeling better now and was getting ready to continue my conversation with the journo.

I said to him, ‘Ahhh….what do you mean exactly’?

He extensively discussed that a new research described the human sperm as the new generation cure for acne, wrinkle, ageing and skin face problem. I was speechless.

I said, ‘Really’?

He said, ‘That’s right’.

I was confuzzled. Since when did human sperms become the new age cosmetic cream? Aren’t sperms meant for procreation? And, if the girl doesn’t wish to get pregnant and is not on birth control pills, the guy disposes the sperms in a condom, a trash bin, a toilet or any place else. At least, that's what I thought.

The fan reminded me of the question again, as though, asking it once was not good enough. I panicked. I didn’t know what to say.

The only two options that were clearly visible to me were – ‘Yes, the research is absolutely right. I have known this for quite a few eyars. I had severe acne during my early 20s. And I applied my boyfriend’s sperms. It worked! Trust me on that’ or, are you insane?

I could feel my heart beat faster. I was never, in my whole 25 years on Planet Earth ever asked a question as frightening as this. My hands reached into my Louis Vuitton clutch to look for some anti-anxiety pills which I seldom carry. There were none. I had to overcome this fear. Fear of what people think.

I said to him in a calm tone, ‘Are you kidding dear’?

Journo answered no. He asked me to be honest.

Frankly, he caught me at a bad time. Didn’t he know honesty was not a virtue any more, if he did catch me on the beach surrounded by men in trunks- possibly I play full back Definitely not with something about human sperms with gigantic prawn and cheese platter on our table!

I wanted to hang up on him right away. I had not planned on spending my evening thinking about sperms. That was certainly not why I visited my British doctor in China.

I realized that I had to give an answer. Dumb, stupid, bold, boggle, idiotic, addle any kind that seemed like an answer. I started composing my thoughts to give an articulate response.

Behold, the words came out, “I’m cumming soon!” If human sperms are clearly better than any anti-wrinkle and anti-ageing creams or even better than collagen botox, I shall use them; maybe in the future, but surely after I cross half century. I hope I have a man in my life then with a healthy sperm count. It’s a great money saving scheme. Xie xie’.

The avid fan seemed quite pleased with the quote. He wished me good night without bothering me anymore. I was relieved.

I felt like a baby doll assassin returning victorious from the battle field. What a victory!! My girlfriends waved at me from the buffet counter not knowing what the human sperms did to me during those fifteen minutes. Smize.

http://www.asiancemagazine.com/2011/10/30/babydoll-assassin-battles-fresh-human-sperm-in-beijing

What is the point of staying "friends" with an ex?

They say one should live one's life with no regrets. Yet, while most of us try to do so, a study published in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science found that one regret stands out more than others.

When 370 adult Americans were asked to report on one salient regret in life, the most common one was related to - you guessed it - a past relationship. (This came above regretting facets of one's career, finances or parenting skills.)

Intrigued as to how many people really regret their past relationships, I spent the weekend investigating and discovered that, even though failed relationships abound, many people still remain firm friends with their exes.
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Perhaps these days it's unavoidable, especially considering the current generation is marrying later, dating more, committing less and Facebook connects us with our exes from two to 20 years ago. Perhaps it's sufficient to say that exes are more prevalent in our lives than ever before - whether we like it or not.

But is it really healthy for one to remain friends with an ex after ending a relationship? When it's over, should it be over emotionally as well as physically?

Pop singer Adele, who penned an entire album about taking revenge on her ex, has recently gone against everything she preaches in her lyrics and has let her ex back into her life.

"We're becoming friends again," she told Spinner magazine, much to the horror of the millions of women whom she empowered through their own break-ups. "I know what I'm doing," she added. "Enough time has gone by now."

Say what!? Didn't her album, 21, which sold more than 10 million copies, act as a go-girl mantra, telling all women that they should strive to get over the dude who broke their hearts and never to speak to him again?

And now she's reneging on her message and doing what she's told women never to do – be mates with their exes?

It doesn't make sense. But it's not that rare either. Just the other day, Charlie Sheen was spotted out for dinner with his ex Denise Richards. Elle Macpherson was photographed with her ex Tim Jeffries. And Elizabeth Hurley, who is making headlines for her hasty engagement to Shane Warne, (apparently he makes her "happy"), has remained friends with quite a few of her exes.

In an interview with the Daily Mail newspaper recently, Hurley said that Arun Nayer (her latest ex) is still her best friend. She also claims that she, Nayer and her other ex, Hugh Grant, all go on holiday together. And the most startling revelation of them all: Warney and Grant now play golf together. Hmm.

In an unofficial survey carried out by moi, it seems the jury is out on whether one should hang out with an ex or not. Some reckon it can't be done without resulting in a cat fight. Others say they swear by it. ("My exes keep me sane!" said one.) Another said she doesn't speak to her ex at all because it only sets her back and brings about too much pain.

Needless to say, everyone seems to have an opinion on how one should handle a past love.

Ah, the ex. The very word goes straight to the jugular, reeking of awkward moments, mixed memories, bitterness, resentment, anger, guilt and longing. So why does an ex continue to have such an impact over their previous partner's life? Is it because we haven't - as Adele says so eloquently - met someone better than them yet? Or do they simply remind us of a time in our lives when we felt happy, part of a twosome, wanted, adored, never lonely and never bored?

These days, considering we're dating for longer and are racking up a lengthy list of exes, it almost seems that not being friends with an ex would cut out half of our social circle. Not to mention the fact that, if we work together, go to the same gym, share the same psychologist or landlord or favourite coffee shop, not remaining friends with this person is not something we even get to choose.

For me, being friends with an ex is fine, but it needs to have a use-by-date. Be friends until one or both of you gets serious with someone else. To me, it would be a little awkward seeing my new date giggling over mojitos with someone he's previously been sexually intimate with ... And so I hope to give him the same respect by not being too matey with any of my exes either.

But what do I know?

To get the expert opinion on the matter, I consulted psychologist and author of Suddenly Single, Dr John Aiken. He says that to be friends with an ex is a pointless endeavour and once a relationship is over, it should be over for good ...

Says Aiken: "There's lots of people out there who think being friends with your ex is possible. I'm, however, not one of these types. Instead, I think trying to be friends with your ex is a very difficult task at the best of times and it's generally better to stay well clear of this sort of relationship. For starters, break-ups can be messy, and often there are unresolved feelings and hurts that make an ongoing close friendship impossible. It also makes it really hard for either of you to move forward, and be available to meet a new love interest.

"You can't share personal things with them like you used to, nor can you spend the same sort of time socialising with their family and friends. Not to mention the problems that can occur with mixed messages, the possibility of ex-sex and of holding on to hope of rekindling the fire. My advice - find someone else to be friends with and let both of you move on."

Talking about regrets, there's a saying: "Mistakes are sometimes the best memories." And when it comes to exes, past relationships, heartache, lost loves - whatever - sometimes even though you made mistakes, if you can turn around and say you had a heck of a lot of fun at the time, then it might, just maybe, have all been worth it ...

What Sophia Abella does when she's alone

Thank you for taking your time to understand my words and my thoughts. Thank you for being reactive and seeking more understanding.

I like to give, be there for people - especially someone I like, very
much (although I believe this does not influence my wish to help where I
can). As I said, when I am not obviously being serious, I am fooling
around - life is serious enough and we have to find the light side of
almost everything so stay sane. Especially if we ponder on the meaning
of "everything", which I have done a lot and which I believe you do too!

I believe, principally, there are three things which make people scared
of change - and they all result from experience...

1. People learn in life. To learn, we (mostly) have to experience pain -
especially kids. So, once we learn about one thing and believe we
understand it, we make a tick in the box and move on. Change often means
"re-learning". Now, throughout our lives we learn that learning can be
painful! So, when we are faced with a choice, do we really want to hurt
ourselves more and relearn?

2. There is an old expression - "the devil you know is better than the
devil you do not know". More often than not, people summon up the
courage to make the change, not through logical thought and evaluation,
but because of an emotional reaction. So, they change direction and all
of a sudden - nothing turns out as they had expected. They find
themselves in a right mess. The change was for the worse. Now, in this
situation, the logical answer would be to back-track, but unfortunately,
so many of us are so bloody-minded and stubborn that we do not allow
ourselves to embark on this "cowardly" approach - we battle on and get
deeper in the mess (some say shit, but I don't!) ... So, the change
becomes a real horror and bad experience, which makes us even more
adamant to avoid change in the future.

3. When a change is made, "things" tend to get worse before they get
better. However, this is usually due to lack of planning the change
properly. You will notice in business, when companies plan a change
nowadays, all sorts of processes are set in motion - mainly "risk
mitigation" - i.e. avoid the shit we would get into if the change were
made purely from an emotional reaction...

Hey, we are living in a "cotton-wool" world, where society "protects" us
from all sorts of things we should be exposed to (and learn to try to
avoid from a very early age - i.e. only do when necessary). Only a few
thousand years ago, we were hunters - we killed on a daily basis. Blood
and killing was necessary for our survival. In those times, we would
probably have preferred romance,dramas and "good news" to give us
balance! Now, society tries to stamp out any form of "natural" instinct
and brand it as "bad", "primitive". Hey, damn it, we are primitive - we
need to hunt, fish, live with nature, understand our place in the world
- we are predators - just because we buy unrecognizable dead animals in
supermarkets, packed in pretty cartons (which, incidentally suffered
more that any hunted animal) does not mean we are better than other
carnivores. But society has tried to elevate man above nature, make him
something better... and quite simply - genetically that can not work.

So, we like bad new to give us balance. One thing, strange about me (I
know there are many things strange about me!!!) - I do accept bullies
(bad)news and every day learning "good" news can bring tears to my eyes
because I see hope.

Very perceptive- I sometimes felt I would like to know that I
used to be attractive when I am no longer attractive, but in the interim
I know that is nonsense! I took photos of myself to sell myself. I am
glad I look like this at my age and if I am looking for an attractive
and younger person, logic tells me I need to show that I am not what
they may expect of an woman who's lived difficulties.
Self-esteem? No, I only feel bad about myself when I cause others pain.
I am quite confident and enjoy the report and respect I get from those
around me - I am much liked, simply because I am kind, considerate,
understanding and respectful to others. I do not give a damn if it's the
tea-boy, driver or CEO. I will give them all the same warmth and respect
when I meet them - then it is up to them how they want to react with
me... and I can be very cold if I believe a person "not good" - very
cold indeed...

Can't remember last time I was so emotional like this?! Wow, I am getting
older. Should I gamble?? Why not, I'm here. Soon I celebrate my 30th Birthday.

Why don't men like smart, strong, successful women?

Matchmaker Patti Stanger has recently come under fire for urging women to dumb themselves down if they want to get a man.

The gregarious television host of the hit show Millionaire Matchmaker has been matching desperate rich dudes with desperate skinny women for a number of years, much to the amusement of a growing television audience who revel in watching these socially awkward men try to impress a bunch of unimpressed, hungry women.

One thing about Stanger that stands out is her brashness in enforcing her dating rules.
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She reckons both parties are single for a reason, hence are supposed to "change" something about themselves to finally attract a suitable partner whom she has preselected for them.

But the other day, when Stanger went out on international television talking about her dating rules, journalists, bloggers and audiences were not impressed.

First she slammed gay men for not being into monogamy, saying that, while she tries to "help" them find love, it was simply a hopeless endeavour.

"I have tried to curb you people," she told executive producer (and openly gay man) Andy Cohen. "When was the last time you had a boyfriend?" Yeouch.

Then she went on to slam smart, single women for being, er, too smart.

"Men like smart women after marriage. They don't like them before they are married. You got to dumb it down a little because men are not that bright."

This one had me a little confused. So I should be dumbing myself down to get a man? It simply doesn't make sense. And it's not the first time I've heard this sentiment expressed either.

The "smart woman v hot handbag" debate is one that I often engage in with my single, smart, successful girlfriends.

"Why do so many men trade us in for ditzy bimbos?" they often ask.

Why do men prefer to bonk (and marry) their secretaries over their bosses, as Forbes magazine once reported?

And are men really so afraid of being challenged by a smart woman that they'd ditch her for someone with less of a brain who doesn't challenge them and simply goes with the flow?

No idea. But economist Ray Fisman concurs, writing in Slate magazine about his observations when he analysed a bunch of speed dating events at a bar near Columbia University over a period of two years.

"Men avoided women whom they perceived to be smarter than themselves," he said. "The same held true for measures of career ambition - a woman could be ambitious, just not more ambitious than the man considering her for a date."

Why? "We males are a gender of fragile egos in search of a pretty face and are threatened by brains or success that exceeds our own."

Ahem. Of course not all men are like this. According to a study carried out by the University of Iowa, men actually increasingly want to date smart, successful women.

This according to the poll, which has been conducted every decade since 1939 and which asks participants to rank a list of 18 characteristics they would want in a partner.

In 2008, the poll found that men ranked intelligence fourth. In 1939, intelligence came 11th.

"Good financial prospect" moved to 12th place in 2008, a shift from its 17th-place ranking in 1939 and last-place ranking in 1967.

But here's the caveat: when it comes to smart women, not all men are created equal. While most men would not be too hasty to admit they'd prefer to be the smart one in a relationship, the men in my office (whom I urged to be honest) agreed.

Said one twentysomething: "Yes, I want to date the bar tender, the student or the girl who is a secretary. I can be the man in the relationship and she appreciates everything I do for her. It's simply much easier. I don't have to work as hard."

Said another: "Some guys want a girl who makes them feel smart and manly. If you make him feel stupid it shows he doesn't want an equal. So I guess it says more about the man than the state of relationships. That being said, I do find it easier dating girls who aren't that ambitious."

So what does it say about a man who prefers a handbag to a partner or an equal? A lot. But if Stanger's theory is correct, smart women had better hide their degrees and skip the political chat for more superficial, light conversations. At least if they want to get married any time soon.

I'm not one to judge, but all I know is that if you're a smart, successful woman and the men you're dating find you intimidating, start hanging out with a different calibre of man.

There is bound to be someone out there who will appreciate you for yourself. And, despite what Stanger might say, the best relationships are the ones in which you don't have to change a thing about yourself because your partner loves you just the way you are ...

Is sexual exclusivity unnatural?

Monogamy is like vegetarianism. At least that's according to US psychologist Christopher Ryan who is out to prove that monogamy is unnatural and sexual exclusivity is simply not something we were born to practise.

Referring to his book Sex at Dawn, which he wrote with his wife Cacilda Jetha, he said the aim of it was to reframe the conception of what sort of species we are and that, biologically, we are simply not hard-wired for monogamy. Just like we're not hard-wired to be vegetarians.
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"Just because you've decided to be a vegetarian, doesn't mean that bacon suddenly stops smelling good," he said.

While the likes of Ashton Kutcher, Dominique Kahn Strauss and my friend Gaby's ex (whom she caught in bed with his secretary … clichéd I know) would be likely to concur, is the fact that we're not hard-wired for monogamy supposed to be a legitimate excuse?

There are a myriad reasons why men crave attention from a woman other than their partners. Ego is one. Not being in love with her is another. But biology? Isn't that a cop-out? Haven't we got past the whole "My DNA made me do it" excuse?

In his book, Ryan goes one step further and says that, not only are we not hard-wired to be in a monogamous relationship, but long-term relationships actually make it harder for men to stay faithful as they cause a steady decrease in the male libido.

"[This] has everything to do with biology and hormones and would be the same regardless of the particular woman in their lives. That's right. The sexually monogamous husband of the hottest woman on earth will start to lose interest at a certain point. Uma, Selma, it's not your fault!" he wrote in Psychology Today magazine.

If Ryan's argument - that we have no reason to believe monogamy comes naturally to humans - has any merit, then in a society in which sexual non-exclusivity is looked upon as the ultimate failure of a relationship, are we simply all doomed?

According to Dan Savage, the outspoken gay self-proclaimed relationships expert with a massive cult following in the US, marriage is not supposed to be about sexual monogamy at all, but rather about stability. With a little sex on the side.

In his own relationship, he practises what he calls "monogamish" - which allows room for the occasional infidelities to take place without repercussion. As he wrote in his "The Stranger" column about his own relationship: "We're mostly monogamous, not swingers, not actively looking. Monogamish."

So what does Ryan think about open relationships?

''We tend to hear about the ones that don't work, the ones who get caught having affairs. I suspect that because discretion is essential to any alternative approach to relationships, there's a hell of a lot more alternative relationships than we're led to believe."

Right.

Somehow I'm pretty sure that, while the concept works in theory, in practice things can get a little more tricky. Relationships are hard indeed, but would being monogamish make it any easier?

Perhaps Ashton and Demi (and more couples around the globe) should have figured that out before they got themselves into their current mess. But I'll let you be the judge.

What do you think?

The Uncoachable: Sophia Abella celebrates at 30, detonated T-bombs!

It's so hard to see things we want, it takes away someday. Whatever we may have today, make use of the given chance, do good and nurture..

1. Don't ever trick yourself even you have the rules. If you play the fire spontaneously- you get burned.

2. I'm ego-sucking, brain-polluting, sperm-training and dollar-draining. Biblical scholars have it all wrong. The Apocalypse begins here. So hide and run!

3. I don't need to have a boyfriend to tell the world I'm beautiful, and to get laid to brag I'm sizzling hot. We have choices.

4. Things may not come out what we want, but turns things better. Embrace and love our life. Get rid of jealousy.

5. Even how beautiful, sexy and sizzling hot we are ladies, once we love, we all go crazy. Definitely it undresses our power to painful tears.

6. Everything we do in this world is all about 'Temptation'. Men & women alike are attracted to the forbidden things in life- know when to stop.

7. We all scared to get hurt, stood up and get our emotions damage. As we all go through the flow, we will soon find what we are looking for, we may keep denying it but once that person comes into our life, we should fight for it, give a shot and just enjoy what life has to offer.

8. Life's too pricey. If we lose balance and we lose power, then we'll never understand how the flow joins to our system. We tend to escalate it. We seek answers, we get hurt, we feel pain, all we need is a balance.

9. Relationship is like a stagnant water in the jar. You've to drain and clean once in a while so you can have healthy and clean water in take. Be creative.

10. Fun is fun but a disease will end your fun so think before engaging casual sex. If you want no condom, then find a wife and fuck!

11. Men are wild animals. Like Scorpio and cat fight! They both have claws & poisonous sting. Claws from Vagina should win over dangerous Penis.

12. Ladies, stop blaming testosterones. You open your legs, you let them fuck you so face the consequences. Stop crying. Stop being drama Queen!

13. The only thing that can't be taken away from men is ego, that most are 'ego'testicle. As they leave 'sperm'prints when they touch something.

14. Verbal abuse occurs if the person uses foul language/curse words if it's not delivered properly. Men are ego-testicle!

15. There are ways to have a good convo online but if you decide to meet, that means you expect the art of flirting & fucking. You bitches stop reporting rape/sexual abuse!


16. If you want people to respect you, love & respect your wife! Why did you get married if you still want other vagina? Think Millionx!

17. Women who are pleasant, sweet & polite as men praise them are subtle, manipulative & worse drama queen! Time to select bossy!

18. Complication is like food allergies. How would you know if the food might be delicious if you don't taste it? Even that food is forbidden, but fight for it, eventually your body will get use to it.

19. I deal men like a glass- either a half-full or brim-full. So less or too much is not good. So I know who's sincere and trying hard.

20. Dating is like football. They like it dirty, enjoy art of shaking their balls & skin-to-skin on the ground. Esp if you offer 'foot' fisting.

21. Pass. Never look back. Learn from the past but don't try to relive it. Life's too full of new opportunities. Now,looking at the present scenario.

22. Quick advice to dating. You get to meet different gregarious testosterones and who knows the surprises, a loving cum gets stuck in your ass.

24. Having sex with a stranger is like eating bukakke Sushi (rare), a T-bone steak (medium) if it's dating & (well-done) Turkey if you're married.

25. I don't scrutinize anybody, I'm here just like the rest but I live by the motto "Hitting two birds with one stone", to understand specially men's bahaviour and who knows I get to meet my Mr Right. I'm a hopeless romantic.

26. So we are who we are, respect, learn and explore! So be scared of my "V" tongue knife made from Kyocera. So think before fucking my inbox. At least I give warning!

27. I don't humiliate anybody, I say what I want with facts. Bullying is for losers.

28. I don't have second personality or living in a double life- so stop calling me insecure or bitter because I never was. I don't buy men's bullock. I'm absolutely not for free-definitely not for sale, so be yourself.

29. Men love sports, and some like dirty games. They're addicted to lies and deceit, so they can play their masculinity role.

30. I can't never be a mistress only if there's emotional involvement or engage friends with benefits because I will never disrespect my value and worth as a person. Vowing celibacy is the best option.
A lamb trapped in a lion's body. Some say I'm a provocative woman with freaky big brains and ugly duckling looks, and I'm always up for trying something new.

Have a happy landing fuck-bender!

Are modern women settling for Mr Average?

When a survey came out the other day, reported in the Daily Mail, which revealed that all modern women want these days is a Mr Average, my phone started ringing off the hook.

Not from "Mr Averages" wanting a date, but rather from radio stations and media outlets across the country wanting to know whether or not this is true.

"Are women really shunning the traditional tall, dark, handsome male?" many of the hosts asked in astonishment.
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"And does this mean that more and more women are just settling for less?"

Well, no. But a little more on that in a minute. First, let's look at the survey. While we're cautioned not to believe every statistic we read, it seems a OnePoll survey of 3000 women of all ages, sponsored by soft drinks manufacturer Orangina, found some startling facts.

The favourable male on the block apparently these days is no longer the tall, handsome knight who is a young, able, hot-to-trot banker-type.

Instead he is aged between 30 to 45, is five feet, 10 inches tall or less, has dark hair (still a prerequisite?), can cook (ahem), has a job (!) and does something creative or is in the arts.

Seriously. Now, there are a myriad reasons as to why there has been this major shift in the modern female preference for males. Firstly, let's take a look at where the modern blokes are at. The average marriage age for men in Australia in 2001 (according to the ABS) is now 31, up from 26 in 1981.

Which means that not only are more and more women having to stay single a lot longer in order to find a man who is finally willing to commit, but more and more men feel they have a right to play the field for as long as their hearts desire without societal pressures to get hitched for eternity.

This has created a grave new dilemma: the traditional Mr Rights (tall, handsome, successful), are getting way too used to hopping from one woman to another, getting casual sex on the cheap and never having to put in too much effort to getting what they want. This is so much so that, by the time they reach an age suitable for commitment, many don't have the know-how nor the urge to settle down.

One such gent in his 30s confirmed to me many women's worst fears: he's just not interested in settling down with just one person ... ever.

"Why ruin all the fun?" he told me, all the while fielding calls and text messages from a gaggle of women all vying to get into his pants.

Which leaves women with the predicament: where have all the eligible men gone? Perhaps this is the reason the survey found that more women are keen to go for a Mr Average. Maybe this sort of gent doesn't have all the options available to him and is willing to forego a life of "playerdom" for a life of coupledom without fear of consequence or disdain at having to curb his wondering eye.

I don't see these men, to whom modern women are preferring to get hitched, as Mr Averages at all. Nor do I see this as "settling for less" on a woman's part either.

In fact, on closer inspection of men in their 20s and 30s who finally decided to settle down with just one woman, it seems they all had one thing in common: they weren't afraid to "man up" when they met the woman who they felt was right for them.

Instead, they told me they couldn't imagine their lives without her and therefore did everything in their power to get her, keep her and commit to her for the long haul.

"All the hooking up in the world with random women didn't seem worth it to me any more when I met someone who I wanted to put in all my effort with," said Jed, a 29-year-old real-estate agent.

And he bought an engagement ring to prove it.

So is he a Mr Average? I bet not. But the reality is that when a man actually decides to "man up" and go after what he wants without hesitation or fear that his independence might be curtailed, he is to me more of a Mr Right than any of the good-looking players I know.

So perhaps the shift in the dating zeitgeist is not a case of women "settling" for a Mr Average, but rather a case of modern women wising up; refusing to chase players, and never settling for being treated second best ...

Does marriage really ruin a relationship?

Charlie Sheen thinks marriage ruins relationships. Apparently the thrice-wed former star of Two and a Half Men told Wendy Williams on her talk show in the US that, by ordaining a relationship "with a piece of paper" it only "makes things worse … because those relationships, I want to say they were pretty good before the marriage and then something happens".

(Could that "something" be violence, drugs or affairs with "goddesses" as he calls them?)

While rumours abound of Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore's marriage being in jeopardy, I thought it appropriate to mention one of Kutcher's quotes in the hilarious film Just Married, in which his character Tom shares Sheen's sentiment, intoning this.
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"I had the perfect relationship ... that was ruined by marriage," he says. 


My girlfriend Sarah reckons both blokes are right on the money. So much so that she's decided to ditch the institution altogether and have a relationship without the ring, the waltz down the aisle or the piece of paper to prove her love.

"Why ruin a good thing?" she says of her decade-long relationship. "We're like Brad and Angelina."

"Also," she adds, "I just don't like the concept of 'forever' … "

When I asked her boyfriend for his thoughts, he said that, while he would not mind getting hitched one day, he doesn't need marriage either.

"The moment Sarah moved in with me three years ago, I saw us as a team. I hope that I can work hard enough for both of us so she never has to worry about anything."

How long should a marriage last?

All this had me a little confused. Isn't marriage supposed to bring two people closer together? Isn't marriage supposed to be a wonderful institution that confirms the love and bond between two people, binding them together in holy matrimony till death to them part?

Apparently not. So much so that, recently, Mexico City politicians banded together to look at putting in place a new form of marriage contract. The premise is that a marriage will have to last for only two years before both parties have the opportunity to pull out – no strings attached.

The Guardian newspaper reported Leonel Luna, the Mexico City assembly member who co-authored the bill as saying: "The proposal is, when the two-year period is up, if the relationship is not stable or harmonious, the contract simply ends."

Modern couples have no idea of the meaning of marriage

While marriage might need to have an expiry date in order to work, according to an article in The Washington Post last year, the reason so many get divorced is not because they chose the wrong person, but rather simply because "they just don't know how to be married".

So what really causes relationship break-downs? Surely it can't be marriage itself?

In a recent survey of divorce lawyers in the US, carried out by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, two-thirds of respondents cited Facebook as the "primary source" of evidence in divorce proceedings.

Which doesn't come as a surprise really. According to a global Nielsen social media report in the US, 10.3 Australians visited the website in the month of August and Australians are spending a whopping seven hours and 17 minutes on Facebook per month.

My girlfriend Ashley concurs with the lawyers, telling me on the weekend that she's taken herself off the social networking website because it "ruins relationships. I don't want to ruin things with my boyfriend so I'm no longer on it. It only causes havoc."

She might be right.

Then there's sex. "No sex please; we're married," has become a common phrase related to sexless marriages. Yep, apparently one's sex life wanes once a couple gets hitched. Passion appears to go out the window, especially when kids, mortgages and everyday stresses enter the equation.

And when there's no sex to bind a couple together, a friendship might just not be enough to sustain a long-term marriage.

Of course there are a myriad reasons as to why relationships end, including jealously, porn, addictions, weight gain, affairs, cheating, exes, stress, kids, violence, meddling in-laws ... the list can go on and on.

But marriage? Does that really ruin a good relationship?

I doubt it and I certainly hope not. But I have yet to find out …