The art of being sexy

The other night a seminar entitled "The Art of Being Sexy", hosted by Alina Berdichevsky. As I looked around the room, each one of the women present looked to me as if she'd just stepped out of Glamour magazine – gorgeous, well-dressed women all displaying an air of confidence.

Or so I assumed. The 16 women present included a model, a lawyer, a businesswoman, two young working mums, a writer and an entrepreneur.

As the conversation started to get more intimate and the women started to open up about their lives, their relationships and their self-image, something started to be revealed that shocked all of us: no matter how good things appeared to be on the outside, many were suffering silently on the inside.
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The women in relationships feared that they'd succumbed to a life of "sitting on the couch" in their tracky daks with messy hair and smelly breath. They admitted that, sadly, gone were the days of surprising their partner in the nude with a perfectly prepared dinner as he walked through the door before a night of satiating sex and a flutter of compliments.

"Now I just stomp around the house," said one. "That can't be sexy."

"I'm so tired," said another. "I couldn't be bothered to make an effort."

"I'm never in the mood."

"I'm always in a rush."

The career women in the group seemed to have a slightly different problem. They feared they'd completely lost their feminine identity because they had to "man-up" their look in the office so that the men would take them more seriously.

Hence they'd ditched every bit of their sexuality, including their short skirts and pretty scarves, to climb the corporate ladder based on their merit and intelligence rather than their feminine wiles. It was filtering into the private lives too, and they weren't happy about it.

"I've really quashed my sexuality and femininity in every way," admitted one. "I've gone completely the other way and I only wear black suits, and black, black, black. My boyfriend can't be too pleased."

The new mums exposed their vulnerability and fear that they would never again be seen by the public (let alone their husbands) as sexy.

"I'm always trying to do a million things at once so I'm always dropping things," said one.

"I'm self-conscious about the changes in my body," said another.

"Sexiness has all but evaporated from our lives for the past 10 months. Which coincidentally coincides with the age of my son."

All feeling a little not-so-sexy, the group turned to Alina for guidance. She explained that being sexy was not about what you wear, your weight or the size of your cleavage. Instead it's about having the power within to ooze sexiness, own it, not worry about outside forces and to never compare yourself to others.

"We are naturally sexy," she says. "But there are things which block our sexiness."

She says the top mistakes women make when it comes to sexiness are not owning their flaws, comparing themselves to other women, being in a co-dependent relationship and giving the other person (a boyfriend / lover / work colleagues) the power to make or break the way women feel about themselves. She also says that if the women are disconnected from their bodies, harbour resentment towards men or are stuck in a rut, those things can all hinder their sexiness, too. (Note: there was no mention of not wearing a miniskirt, being a size six or looking like Angelina Jolie!)

Her advice for all women wanting to be sexy?

"Make sexiness a priority and include it in your identity," she advises. "Work with what you have and own your own look. Move more slowly and start to feel the subtle currents of bliss inside you as you smile at the world. Make your environment more beautiful, sensual and lush. Note that sex is everywhere in nature [she describes raindrops as kisses]. Make yourself your #1 priority and nourish, spoil, treat and worship yourself daily."

She says that sexiness all about being feminine, so women (even the ballsy career chicks among us), should soften more often, walk more slowly, swagger their hips a little and, if all else fails, dance alone when no one is watching.

I've had many men tell me that sexy is jeans and a t-shirt; little make-up, a good sense of humour and not taking yourself too seriously. I've had other men tell me that the sexiest woman in the room is the one not trying too hard. So why then are we all so confused as to what is sexy?

"Most importantly make sure that sexiness is your - not your partner's - priority."

Perhaps it really does come within, although I'm sure somehow the lad's mag editors (and readers) might beg to differ...