It's an axiom that men fear marriage for two reasons: the end of their freedom as they know it, and the end of their rampant sex lives.
I've always argued back, telling the male readers of this column that it doesn't have to be that way, that coupled-up folk will actually have more (and arguably better) sex than their single mates. After all, it's available night after night, and the more a pair get to learn about each other's likes and dislikes, the better things in the bedroom will be.
But perhaps I've been proved wrong. Or at least according to a scientific study that was reported in The Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy a few weeks ago.
According to the findings, which canvassed the sex lives of 3240 men and 3304 women who were married, living with a partner or in a relationship, most weren't exactly as satisfied in the bedroom as I had expected.
In fact most men (54 per cent) and nearly as many women (42 per cent) said they were unhappy with the frequency of sex in their relationships.
Men between 35 and 44 who had been with a woman for six years or longer were the most likely to be unhappy with how often they had sex.
"The majority of people in the study would prefer more sex than they've been having," said Anthony Smith, professor of public health and deputy director of the Australian Research Centre in Sex, Health and Society at La Trobe University in Melbourne.
"What we're seeing is that there is quite a gap between a person's ideal frequency of sex and what they manage to achieve in their relationships."
The real issue? Dr Smith says it's that couples are not finding enough time for sex.
"I don't think you can keep forcing more and more activities in people's lives and still expect them to take the time it takes to have sex, let alone good-quality sex," he said.
The solution?
The experts suggest couples should talk about it, schedule it in and work out how high on the priority list it is for both parties.
But whose fault is this absence of sex?
While most would blame the woman, (after all, we do have a lower sex drive and less testosterone), contrary to popular opinion, it's not always the fairer sex who shoves off her man, rolling over and preferring to get some shut-eye to some hanky panky.
In the book He's Just Not Up For It Anymore, US authors Bob Berkowitz and Susan Yager-Berkowitz surveyed more than 4000 people: men who had stopped having sex with their partners and women whose husbands and boyfriends had stopped having sex with them. And they discovered that - shock, horror - it was the women who often complained that, indeed, their men just weren't up for it any more.
"Living in a sexless marriage leaves you feeling isolated and lonely, especially when he's lying right there beside you every night," complained one female, aged 42.
And there were plenty more like that.
So, is he having an affair? Well, not necessarily. In fact, just recently, I interviewed an American private eye who specialises in infidelity. He told me that often when a man is having an affair, he actually get more randy and adventurous in the bedroom with his partner.
"He thinks of himself as a stud," the detective told me. "He has sex with his mistress and then goes home and has sex with his wife. He revels in his ability to do them both. And so she has no signs that he's having an affair, other than the lingering scent of perfume on his shirt if he isn't careful."
So then why is it that some men simply lose the urge?
The men interviewed for the book gave 22 reasons for not having sex and rated them from one to 10.
The No.1 reason?
"She isn't sexually adventurous enough." Seriously.
The next few reasons mostly put the blame on their partners, too:
Because as my newly married girlfriend says, it's the same in reverse.
"When my partner gained weight, I didn't feel like having sex with him, either. It works both ways."
According to the Durex Sex Survey, couples have sex, on average, 127 times a year. That's 2.5 times a week.
Which, I'm sorry to tell the single blokes, is most likely more than you're getting right now anyway. So perhaps everyone should all quit whining about sex within marriages and start to appreciate the fact you have a partner next to you in your bed night after night who is not only willing to put up with your smelly feet and bad habits, but willing to have sex with you, too. So you might as well just ask nicely ... you might be pleasantly surprised by their answer ...
I've always argued back, telling the male readers of this column that it doesn't have to be that way, that coupled-up folk will actually have more (and arguably better) sex than their single mates. After all, it's available night after night, and the more a pair get to learn about each other's likes and dislikes, the better things in the bedroom will be.
But perhaps I've been proved wrong. Or at least according to a scientific study that was reported in The Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy a few weeks ago.
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According to the findings, which canvassed the sex lives of 3240 men and 3304 women who were married, living with a partner or in a relationship, most weren't exactly as satisfied in the bedroom as I had expected.
In fact most men (54 per cent) and nearly as many women (42 per cent) said they were unhappy with the frequency of sex in their relationships.
Men between 35 and 44 who had been with a woman for six years or longer were the most likely to be unhappy with how often they had sex.
"The majority of people in the study would prefer more sex than they've been having," said Anthony Smith, professor of public health and deputy director of the Australian Research Centre in Sex, Health and Society at La Trobe University in Melbourne.
"What we're seeing is that there is quite a gap between a person's ideal frequency of sex and what they manage to achieve in their relationships."
The real issue? Dr Smith says it's that couples are not finding enough time for sex.
"I don't think you can keep forcing more and more activities in people's lives and still expect them to take the time it takes to have sex, let alone good-quality sex," he said.
The solution?
The experts suggest couples should talk about it, schedule it in and work out how high on the priority list it is for both parties.
But whose fault is this absence of sex?
While most would blame the woman, (after all, we do have a lower sex drive and less testosterone), contrary to popular opinion, it's not always the fairer sex who shoves off her man, rolling over and preferring to get some shut-eye to some hanky panky.
In the book He's Just Not Up For It Anymore, US authors Bob Berkowitz and Susan Yager-Berkowitz surveyed more than 4000 people: men who had stopped having sex with their partners and women whose husbands and boyfriends had stopped having sex with them. And they discovered that - shock, horror - it was the women who often complained that, indeed, their men just weren't up for it any more.
"Living in a sexless marriage leaves you feeling isolated and lonely, especially when he's lying right there beside you every night," complained one female, aged 42.
And there were plenty more like that.
So, is he having an affair? Well, not necessarily. In fact, just recently, I interviewed an American private eye who specialises in infidelity. He told me that often when a man is having an affair, he actually get more randy and adventurous in the bedroom with his partner.
"He thinks of himself as a stud," the detective told me. "He has sex with his mistress and then goes home and has sex with his wife. He revels in his ability to do them both. And so she has no signs that he's having an affair, other than the lingering scent of perfume on his shirt if he isn't careful."
So then why is it that some men simply lose the urge?
The men interviewed for the book gave 22 reasons for not having sex and rated them from one to 10.
The No.1 reason?
"She isn't sexually adventurous enough." Seriously.
The next few reasons mostly put the blame on their partners, too:
- She doesn't seem to enjoy sex.
- I'm angry at her.
- I'm interested in sex with others.
- I'm bored.
- She's depressed.
- She's gained weight.
- I'm depressed.
- I no longer find her physically attractive.
- I suffer from erectile dysfunction.
Because as my newly married girlfriend says, it's the same in reverse.
"When my partner gained weight, I didn't feel like having sex with him, either. It works both ways."
According to the Durex Sex Survey, couples have sex, on average, 127 times a year. That's 2.5 times a week.
Which, I'm sorry to tell the single blokes, is most likely more than you're getting right now anyway. So perhaps everyone should all quit whining about sex within marriages and start to appreciate the fact you have a partner next to you in your bed night after night who is not only willing to put up with your smelly feet and bad habits, but willing to have sex with you, too. So you might as well just ask nicely ... you might be pleasantly surprised by their answer ...
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