So, I was speaking to a guy the other night who disclosed to me (after a few drinks) that, to him, marriage wasn't necessary. He said that while he still wanted to have kids and raise a family, he believed that once the kids were grown up, he might not want to be with his partner any longer and therefore feels he should have free rein to leave the relationship if he chooses to do so. Without the courts, finances, houses or legal battles getting in the way.
"Think about all the long-term things we go into: a mortgage, buying a new car, a job – all those things are fairly easy to change. But marriage? That's really painful to get out of," he said.
While his attitude was rather pessimistic, highly unromantic and not exactly appealing to a single 20-something female, he might have a point. And on further inspection, it seems that this sentiment is widely shared by the current generation of single males.
Evidence of this is a recent Time magazine article, which caught many eyes when it was published last year.
Under the heading "Who Needs Marriage? A Changing Institution", it detailed the fact that these days neither men nor women actually need marriage to have kids, raise a family or for companionship or professional success. And yet somehow the institution – despite its decreasing popularity - still "remains revered and desired".
"Promising publicly to be someone's partner for life used to be something people did to lay the foundation of their independent life. It was the demarcation of adulthood. Now it's more of a finishing touch, the last brick in the edifice, sociologists believe," the article said.
It also explained the reason that more and more couples are opting to live together out of wedlock. Because many of them don't have jobs any more and therefore "don't have enough money to live alone".
Eager to find out more, I got bestselling relationship author Allan Pease on the phone to discuss exactly what the current generation's thoughts are on marriage, commitment and the whole shebang ... and why there was so much anti-marriage sentiment. Oh, and since I had the king of relationships, sex and dating on the phone, I decided to throw in a few extra questions that hopefully will answer a few of the concerns that you've raised with me over the past few weeks. Here's how the conversation went:
S: Allan, is marriage necessary?
A: Well, I'm married and I've been married twice in 41 years. For men, on the surface, it seems there is nothing in it for us. But when I polled married men and asked them what they liked about marriage, they all named services that their wife provides for them. These include things such as she's a good cook, good with the kids and good in bed. They all described services you can pay for! Women, on the other hand, described what they liked about marriage as how their husbands made them feel. They told me things like, he's funny, he makes me laugh, he makes me feel special and important.
S: Why do so many think then that marriage is unnecessary?
A: When it comes to marriage, men will often say, "It's just a bloody ring so who cares? Why would you do it?" I was the same. When I was with Barbara [to whom he is now married] after my marriage of 20 years ended, she really wanted to get married. But I told her it was a waste of $500 and that a ring meant nothing to me. I didn't care what the Pope thought! And this is a common way of how many men think. Yet, from my surveys, it appears that 80 per cent of women say they would prefer to get married to a guy they really love.
So here's the difference: because of the social implications, when a guy decides to marry you, he is making a public declaration that you are the No.1 woman in his life. And what a woman wants more than anything is to know a man they love is putting her as his No.1 priority. Marriage is a public declaration that you are No.1.
Also women who get married have a higher orgasm rate than women who are not. There is an emotional benefit with the fact that she has a ring. Therefore she feels special and, in turn, she starts to treat him differently.
When a woman gets married, she treats her man with far better benefits than if she didn't marry him. Guys say it makes no difference, but they are wrong. Because it makes a huge difference for her and, therefore in turn, his life actually gets better! It was when I realised how this works that I agreed to marry Barbara. And it's true.
S: Will and Kate waited and had an extremely long courtship – eight years to be exact. Do you advise this for a longer lasting marriage?
A: It's a try before you buy situation, isn't it? He'd been bonking her for eight years! So he knew exactly what he was getting himself into. Also research into couples who live together versus those who don't before marriage shows that there is virtually no difference to their divorce rate. But the longer you've been together, the longer you get to work things out and iron out any kinks. So you avoid the situation of marrying someone who is not compatible with you.
S: How many loves do you think we get in a lifetime?
A: The average man has eight long-term partners by the time he gets to 40. The average woman has had three. However, women ideally say that they'd like to have just two long-term relationships in their lifetime and men say they'd like to have three. We'd rather have fewer longer-term partners and choose more wisely in the first place.
S: What do you think about men who want to have kids without getting married?
A: Lots of couples do that. In fact married couples these days only make up 49 per cent of couples who have been together for longer than a year. However, not being married has vast implications on their kids – especially when it comes to having different names …. It creates all sorts of problems.
S: There's recently been statistics released Lilly Australia that found 66 per cent of men aged over 40 not being able to get it up. For 43 per cent of men, just the thought of having sex can make them anxious. And I've noticed the increase in emails from women complaining their men have this problem, but refuse to talk about it. What's going on?
A: Yes that's correct. For men over the age of 40, 66 per cent have these problems. That's two out of three men. Yet only 13 per cent of them will ever discuss it. The rest do nothing. Yet they think their masculinity has gone. So instead of talking about it or getting help, they buy a new boat or a new car or some aviator sunglasses. They start working longer hours and refuse to get into bed at the same time as their partners in order to avoid intimacy. The problem is that women don't realise it's a physical or psychological problem and they think that their man doesn't love them any more. It causes major problems in relationships and is the cause of many divorces.
S: So what is the cause of this problem for men?
A: It can either be physical or psychological. Either way, more men need to braver to go and talk about it with their GP. Face the music and get help!
S: Your latest book is titled Why Men Want Sex And Women Need Love. Is it really true that men only want sex while women want love?
A: Absolutely. This fact is based on brain scans. Sex and love for men are in different parts of their brain. Sometimes they happen together but sometimes they don't. Men don't even need to like a woman to have sex with her; they can just do it. For women, however, sex and love are in the same part of their brain so therefore sex and love go together. Therefore for most women, they actually have to really like a man in order to sleep with him.
S: My colleague Sam de Brito reckons all men are liars. Do you agree?
A: When it comes to sex, mostly yes. And the problem is so many women believe men's lies, especially when they will say whatever is necessary to have sex with her. It doesn't mean all men are lying all the time but when he is up to his eyeballs in testosterone, he will lie to have sex. It's the same hormone that drives him to hunt and to gain success in the work place. High testosterone blocks the temporal part of the male brain, and impedes his rational thought. So therefore it will cause a man to think on a basic animal basis. That's why, if he has a problem with his erection, his whole life goes down the plug!
S: So how do you activate the love part of a man's brain?
A: Turn up with a six-pack and a pizza! Seriously, though, men are driven by sex and they might trip into love. That's why men will care and love a woman more after sex, not before. Of course it's the opposite for women as we are diametrically opposed. And if romance is the price a man will have to pay for sex, that's what he'll do. So you have to let him know that you're not going to believe his lies and he actually has to show some real romantic and caring actions before you'll jump into bed with him.
S: Why do some men go quiet after they've got what they wanted from a woman?
A: When they go quiet, it's because you served a biological purpose for them and now they have nothing else to talk to you about. That's why it's important for women to choose the right guy to sleep with in the first place. And remember, men always lie to get sex. And if they say they aren't lying, then they're lying again ...
"Think about all the long-term things we go into: a mortgage, buying a new car, a job – all those things are fairly easy to change. But marriage? That's really painful to get out of," he said.
While his attitude was rather pessimistic, highly unromantic and not exactly appealing to a single 20-something female, he might have a point. And on further inspection, it seems that this sentiment is widely shared by the current generation of single males.
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Evidence of this is a recent Time magazine article, which caught many eyes when it was published last year.
Under the heading "Who Needs Marriage? A Changing Institution", it detailed the fact that these days neither men nor women actually need marriage to have kids, raise a family or for companionship or professional success. And yet somehow the institution – despite its decreasing popularity - still "remains revered and desired".
"Promising publicly to be someone's partner for life used to be something people did to lay the foundation of their independent life. It was the demarcation of adulthood. Now it's more of a finishing touch, the last brick in the edifice, sociologists believe," the article said.
It also explained the reason that more and more couples are opting to live together out of wedlock. Because many of them don't have jobs any more and therefore "don't have enough money to live alone".
Eager to find out more, I got bestselling relationship author Allan Pease on the phone to discuss exactly what the current generation's thoughts are on marriage, commitment and the whole shebang ... and why there was so much anti-marriage sentiment. Oh, and since I had the king of relationships, sex and dating on the phone, I decided to throw in a few extra questions that hopefully will answer a few of the concerns that you've raised with me over the past few weeks. Here's how the conversation went:
S: Allan, is marriage necessary?
A: Well, I'm married and I've been married twice in 41 years. For men, on the surface, it seems there is nothing in it for us. But when I polled married men and asked them what they liked about marriage, they all named services that their wife provides for them. These include things such as she's a good cook, good with the kids and good in bed. They all described services you can pay for! Women, on the other hand, described what they liked about marriage as how their husbands made them feel. They told me things like, he's funny, he makes me laugh, he makes me feel special and important.
S: Why do so many think then that marriage is unnecessary?
A: When it comes to marriage, men will often say, "It's just a bloody ring so who cares? Why would you do it?" I was the same. When I was with Barbara [to whom he is now married] after my marriage of 20 years ended, she really wanted to get married. But I told her it was a waste of $500 and that a ring meant nothing to me. I didn't care what the Pope thought! And this is a common way of how many men think. Yet, from my surveys, it appears that 80 per cent of women say they would prefer to get married to a guy they really love.
So here's the difference: because of the social implications, when a guy decides to marry you, he is making a public declaration that you are the No.1 woman in his life. And what a woman wants more than anything is to know a man they love is putting her as his No.1 priority. Marriage is a public declaration that you are No.1.
Also women who get married have a higher orgasm rate than women who are not. There is an emotional benefit with the fact that she has a ring. Therefore she feels special and, in turn, she starts to treat him differently.
When a woman gets married, she treats her man with far better benefits than if she didn't marry him. Guys say it makes no difference, but they are wrong. Because it makes a huge difference for her and, therefore in turn, his life actually gets better! It was when I realised how this works that I agreed to marry Barbara. And it's true.
S: Will and Kate waited and had an extremely long courtship – eight years to be exact. Do you advise this for a longer lasting marriage?
A: It's a try before you buy situation, isn't it? He'd been bonking her for eight years! So he knew exactly what he was getting himself into. Also research into couples who live together versus those who don't before marriage shows that there is virtually no difference to their divorce rate. But the longer you've been together, the longer you get to work things out and iron out any kinks. So you avoid the situation of marrying someone who is not compatible with you.
S: How many loves do you think we get in a lifetime?
A: The average man has eight long-term partners by the time he gets to 40. The average woman has had three. However, women ideally say that they'd like to have just two long-term relationships in their lifetime and men say they'd like to have three. We'd rather have fewer longer-term partners and choose more wisely in the first place.
S: What do you think about men who want to have kids without getting married?
A: Lots of couples do that. In fact married couples these days only make up 49 per cent of couples who have been together for longer than a year. However, not being married has vast implications on their kids – especially when it comes to having different names …. It creates all sorts of problems.
S: There's recently been statistics released Lilly Australia that found 66 per cent of men aged over 40 not being able to get it up. For 43 per cent of men, just the thought of having sex can make them anxious. And I've noticed the increase in emails from women complaining their men have this problem, but refuse to talk about it. What's going on?
A: Yes that's correct. For men over the age of 40, 66 per cent have these problems. That's two out of three men. Yet only 13 per cent of them will ever discuss it. The rest do nothing. Yet they think their masculinity has gone. So instead of talking about it or getting help, they buy a new boat or a new car or some aviator sunglasses. They start working longer hours and refuse to get into bed at the same time as their partners in order to avoid intimacy. The problem is that women don't realise it's a physical or psychological problem and they think that their man doesn't love them any more. It causes major problems in relationships and is the cause of many divorces.
S: So what is the cause of this problem for men?
A: It can either be physical or psychological. Either way, more men need to braver to go and talk about it with their GP. Face the music and get help!
S: Your latest book is titled Why Men Want Sex And Women Need Love. Is it really true that men only want sex while women want love?
A: Absolutely. This fact is based on brain scans. Sex and love for men are in different parts of their brain. Sometimes they happen together but sometimes they don't. Men don't even need to like a woman to have sex with her; they can just do it. For women, however, sex and love are in the same part of their brain so therefore sex and love go together. Therefore for most women, they actually have to really like a man in order to sleep with him.
S: My colleague Sam de Brito reckons all men are liars. Do you agree?
A: When it comes to sex, mostly yes. And the problem is so many women believe men's lies, especially when they will say whatever is necessary to have sex with her. It doesn't mean all men are lying all the time but when he is up to his eyeballs in testosterone, he will lie to have sex. It's the same hormone that drives him to hunt and to gain success in the work place. High testosterone blocks the temporal part of the male brain, and impedes his rational thought. So therefore it will cause a man to think on a basic animal basis. That's why, if he has a problem with his erection, his whole life goes down the plug!
S: So how do you activate the love part of a man's brain?
A: Turn up with a six-pack and a pizza! Seriously, though, men are driven by sex and they might trip into love. That's why men will care and love a woman more after sex, not before. Of course it's the opposite for women as we are diametrically opposed. And if romance is the price a man will have to pay for sex, that's what he'll do. So you have to let him know that you're not going to believe his lies and he actually has to show some real romantic and caring actions before you'll jump into bed with him.
S: Why do some men go quiet after they've got what they wanted from a woman?
A: When they go quiet, it's because you served a biological purpose for them and now they have nothing else to talk to you about. That's why it's important for women to choose the right guy to sleep with in the first place. And remember, men always lie to get sex. And if they say they aren't lying, then they're lying again ...
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