I've done a lot of things I'm reluctant to admit in public. Near the top of the list is drinking an entire bottle of Passion Pop when I was 16; wearing a dress to host an event that, to the amusement of everyone watching, turned see-through under the stage lights; and, more recently, telling a bunch of men about my plans to get married before I turned 30.
Of course I was just testing them out, but the horror on their faces said it all: I'd committed the ultimate social taboo. Notions of desperate, needy, un-feminist and non-marriage material fluttered through my mind (and, I'm sure, theirs).
"I'd never get married," scoffed one to my left. A pity I happened to be dating him at the time.
My girlfriend Penelope, who's been proposed to three times, says stuff the blokes. Instead, women should tell men about their marital goals.
"Just like men can admit they just want to play around, so, too, should women be able to admit they want to do just the opposite," she says. "The key is good timing. Not when you've just started seeing someone. They need to fall in love with you first and then feel like they don't want to lose you. That's when you can start to put the pressure on."
Penelope has a point. But, alas, to "put the pressure on" is a social faux pas so damning you could have sworn you just mentioned you've got leprosy. But not according to Mad Men writer Tracy McMillan, who says that one of the reasons you're not married yet is because you're not telling men your true intentions. And she says it's not their faults either that they haven't proposed yet.
"Sure, there are lame men out there," writes McMillan in The Huffington Post. "But they're not really standing in your way. Because the fact is - if whatever you're doing right now was going to get you married, you'd already have a ring on it."
Here are her top six reasons as to why you're not married. My thoughts are below each one.
1. "You're a bitch"
Really? I know plenty of married women who are bitches. In fact there's an entire bestselling book out there dedicated to the very craft of becoming a bitch in order to get a man to propose. Why Men Marry Bitches by Sherry Argov details the fact that ballsy women get married; nice girls do not. "Just because a man sleeps with you doesn't mean he's thinking about the future," she writes. "For him to think about forever, there has to be something he respects within you. Like a strong wit ... and a strong mind."
2. "You're Shallow"
Seriously? Because when I look around, these are the women who get laid. And then they get proposed to. Unfortunately for the blokes, the shallow women I know are professional husband hunters. And, boy, do they know what they're doing. They know how to cook (and often do it in their underwear); they know how to dress (and undress even better); and while they might be after a man for one thing, they know damn well how to get it. In record time too.
3. "You're a slut"
Have you ever heard of a man dumping a woman because she wants too much sex? Or that she gives it up too easily? I think not. I've heard of blokes dumping women because they don't want to have sex. I've heard of men trading in their frumpy wives for their hot slutty assistants. And, yes, some even marry them. Unfortunately for the good girls who keep their panties on.
4. "You're a liar"
McMillan claims that women who lie about wanting to get married don't end up getting married. But here's what I think: any woman who tells a man the truth - that she wants to get married, has a timeline and has been planning her wedding day since she bought her first training bra - is setting herself up for failure. Soon enough, the inevitable, "It's not you, it's me," will come from a man who feels pressured. And then he will begin planning his escape route. When I polled men, most of them declared that a woman who has no expectations of them or their future are the ones they will eventually want to commit to. Men like challenges. Tell them your penchant for babies, wedding waltzes and dressing gowns for two, and the truth will set you free … from him for good.
5. "You're selfish"
If there's one thing I've learnt men hate, it's needy women. In fact the more selfish she appears to be (code for independent, ballsy and self-sufficient), the better. Be selfish with your time, your money or your stock tips, and he'll respect you even more.
6. "You're Not Good Enough."
McMillan might have a point here, especially since she's referring to a woman's own perception of herself. Hence her advice is this: "Here is what you need to know: You are enough right this minute. Period. Not understanding this is a major obstacle to getting married, since women who don't know their own worth make terrible wives. Why? You can fake it for a while, but ultimately you won't love your spouse any better than you love yourself. Smart men know this."
McMillan's final message is one that I actually agree with: that marriage won't make you happy. That it shouldn't be a woman's main ambition. And that it's not that good anyway considering once you get hitched, you'll have to do twice as much laundry. She also says that men actually have a better idea about the meaning of marriage than women do.
"Because ultimately, marriage is not about getting something - it's about giving it," she writes in The Huffington Post. "Strangely, men understand this more than we do. Probably because for them marriage involves sacrificing their most treasured possession - a free-agent penis - and for us, it's the culmination of a princess fantasy so universal it built Disneyland."
Of course I was just testing them out, but the horror on their faces said it all: I'd committed the ultimate social taboo. Notions of desperate, needy, un-feminist and non-marriage material fluttered through my mind (and, I'm sure, theirs).
"I'd never get married," scoffed one to my left. A pity I happened to be dating him at the time.
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My girlfriend Penelope, who's been proposed to three times, says stuff the blokes. Instead, women should tell men about their marital goals.
"Just like men can admit they just want to play around, so, too, should women be able to admit they want to do just the opposite," she says. "The key is good timing. Not when you've just started seeing someone. They need to fall in love with you first and then feel like they don't want to lose you. That's when you can start to put the pressure on."
Penelope has a point. But, alas, to "put the pressure on" is a social faux pas so damning you could have sworn you just mentioned you've got leprosy. But not according to Mad Men writer Tracy McMillan, who says that one of the reasons you're not married yet is because you're not telling men your true intentions. And she says it's not their faults either that they haven't proposed yet.
"Sure, there are lame men out there," writes McMillan in The Huffington Post. "But they're not really standing in your way. Because the fact is - if whatever you're doing right now was going to get you married, you'd already have a ring on it."
Here are her top six reasons as to why you're not married. My thoughts are below each one.
1. "You're a bitch"
Really? I know plenty of married women who are bitches. In fact there's an entire bestselling book out there dedicated to the very craft of becoming a bitch in order to get a man to propose. Why Men Marry Bitches by Sherry Argov details the fact that ballsy women get married; nice girls do not. "Just because a man sleeps with you doesn't mean he's thinking about the future," she writes. "For him to think about forever, there has to be something he respects within you. Like a strong wit ... and a strong mind."
2. "You're Shallow"
Seriously? Because when I look around, these are the women who get laid. And then they get proposed to. Unfortunately for the blokes, the shallow women I know are professional husband hunters. And, boy, do they know what they're doing. They know how to cook (and often do it in their underwear); they know how to dress (and undress even better); and while they might be after a man for one thing, they know damn well how to get it. In record time too.
3. "You're a slut"
Have you ever heard of a man dumping a woman because she wants too much sex? Or that she gives it up too easily? I think not. I've heard of blokes dumping women because they don't want to have sex. I've heard of men trading in their frumpy wives for their hot slutty assistants. And, yes, some even marry them. Unfortunately for the good girls who keep their panties on.
4. "You're a liar"
McMillan claims that women who lie about wanting to get married don't end up getting married. But here's what I think: any woman who tells a man the truth - that she wants to get married, has a timeline and has been planning her wedding day since she bought her first training bra - is setting herself up for failure. Soon enough, the inevitable, "It's not you, it's me," will come from a man who feels pressured. And then he will begin planning his escape route. When I polled men, most of them declared that a woman who has no expectations of them or their future are the ones they will eventually want to commit to. Men like challenges. Tell them your penchant for babies, wedding waltzes and dressing gowns for two, and the truth will set you free … from him for good.
5. "You're selfish"
If there's one thing I've learnt men hate, it's needy women. In fact the more selfish she appears to be (code for independent, ballsy and self-sufficient), the better. Be selfish with your time, your money or your stock tips, and he'll respect you even more.
6. "You're Not Good Enough."
McMillan might have a point here, especially since she's referring to a woman's own perception of herself. Hence her advice is this: "Here is what you need to know: You are enough right this minute. Period. Not understanding this is a major obstacle to getting married, since women who don't know their own worth make terrible wives. Why? You can fake it for a while, but ultimately you won't love your spouse any better than you love yourself. Smart men know this."
McMillan's final message is one that I actually agree with: that marriage won't make you happy. That it shouldn't be a woman's main ambition. And that it's not that good anyway considering once you get hitched, you'll have to do twice as much laundry. She also says that men actually have a better idea about the meaning of marriage than women do.
"Because ultimately, marriage is not about getting something - it's about giving it," she writes in The Huffington Post. "Strangely, men understand this more than we do. Probably because for them marriage involves sacrificing their most treasured possession - a free-agent penis - and for us, it's the culmination of a princess fantasy so universal it built Disneyland."
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