Can you change a man? God knows I've tried. I wanted my man to be more social, less flirtatious, more in tune with my emotions, less closed about his. I told him time and time again that I wanted him to change; he didn't. And so I retaliated. I partied without him, told other men my feelings (and was surprised when they actually listened!), became more distant from him and closer to others. He struck back – by becoming more distant from me. And suddenly there was an ocean so vast between us that we had no choice but to call it quits.
Many a woman finds herself in a similar dilemma: she loves her man but can't stand a few things about him. She doesn't want to dump him, but also doesn't want to be with him unless he changes. So she tries to tweak him, nag him, belittle him. And when he fights back (or her pleas fall on deaf ears), she feels lost and alone.
True, women are picky, which, in my opinion, is why blokes so often tell us that we're a little too complicated for their simplistic tastes and expectations. But when I hear of the number of problems so many women face, I can't help but empathise with their yearning to change their men, just a tad.
My girlfriend Kate complained that her boyfriend wasn't the spring chicken in bed he once was. Their sex life had dwindled, their energy levels had both waned and he was no longer into pleasing her first, if at all.
"How do I get him to want to have more sex?" she asked. I wasn't sure. When she tried to broach the topic with him, he brushed it off. After months of dwindling affection, she eventually decided it was time to leave. Not because of the sex (although that was indeed a factor), but because she was mightily unhappy. And since her man wasn't making an effort to please her, listen to her or change, she figured that he just didn't love her enough any more.
Julia says she's sick to death of her partner's penchant for perving on other women. "What can I do about his wandering eye?" she asked.
I questioned a bunch of dudes at the weekend – who happened to be at a party I attended filled with scantily-clad women – if indeed there was anything to be done about this conundrum.
"Nothing. We're all just animals," one declared. "I want to have sex really badly with every girl in a mini skirt," he continued, eyeing the talent. "It doesn't mean that, in truth, I really want to have sex with them, but my brain is definitely sending me some weird unconscious messages."
So will men ever change? I don't think so. Nevertheless, we try to tweak, morph and modify our blokes in the hope they'll eventually realise that we are right, they are wrong and that, if they want to keep us happy, content and faithful, they'd better make some alterations, and fast. After all, happy wife, happy life, right?
Being single, I meet loads of men on a constant basis. And while I've realised a heck of a lot of things about dating (some of the lessons I've learnt will be revealed in Thursday's column), the one thing I've discovered is how to be quicker at picking up on the warning signs that they're not the right guy for me.
I know this from my own personal list of non-negotiables. Does he like my friends? Does he flirt with other women in front of me? Does he take drugs? Is he a man-child commitment-phobe? And will he dump me the minute he gets what he wants, or stick around for at least another date?
After months of getting disappointed (and hoping he will change, only to realise he won't) these days, instead of diving head first into a relationship, I work out (before the first kiss) whether or not he fits the bill. Because, if he does show traits that annoy me, I will tell him that we can no longer go on because I don't want to date a man who does X and Y, and I value myself too much to accept that sort of behaviour. But the real reason is that, no matter how much I like a man, I know the axiom is true: you can't change a man. So when you choose him, you must accept him "as is", otherwise you'll both run into major relationship snags.
My friend Matt tells me the problem men have with women who want to change them is that no man wants to date a woman who reminds him of his mother.
"Women who nag or tell us what to do, or tell us to change, remind us of our mothers. No man wants to date their mothers, regardless of what research may tell you."
He also tells me that I don't need to accept anything I don't like from a man because I am a strong, independent woman who needs no one. And he's right: when you believe you're OK on your own, one of two things happens: either you meet someone who shares your morals and values (and you have the strength to reject the rest, no matter how desperate you are to settle down), or you find someone who is different but who complements you so you enjoy learning from each other.
Surely there's go to be a way?
In a weird twist of fate, at the time my long-term relationship broke down, I was asked to co-write a book about how to get men to do things they might not otherwise want to do.
Titled The Man Whisperer, the book details a new method of feminine communication that doesn't involve nagging, manipulation or "mothering" a man, but nevertheless encourages him to tweak his behaviour.
The premise is simple: speak to him in a way he understands (without barraging him with too many requests at once or interrupting him when he's doing something else, such as watching the footy or drinking a beer with his mates) and it's a win-win situation.
As I wrote the book, I realised that I'd been going about trying to change my man in all the wrong ways. I'd been putting him down, instead of boosting him.
I wanted to talk when he was busy (and discovered – shock, horror – that men can only do one thing at a time). And despite knowing what type of man I'd become involved with, I now wanted him to change.
Of course, it's not my fault, nor his. As Einstein said: "Women marry men hoping they will change, men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed."
Yet we still try to change him anyway. No wonder we're still struggling with the battle of the sexes ...
Many a woman finds herself in a similar dilemma: she loves her man but can't stand a few things about him. She doesn't want to dump him, but also doesn't want to be with him unless he changes. So she tries to tweak him, nag him, belittle him. And when he fights back (or her pleas fall on deaf ears), she feels lost and alone.
True, women are picky, which, in my opinion, is why blokes so often tell us that we're a little too complicated for their simplistic tastes and expectations. But when I hear of the number of problems so many women face, I can't help but empathise with their yearning to change their men, just a tad.
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My girlfriend Kate complained that her boyfriend wasn't the spring chicken in bed he once was. Their sex life had dwindled, their energy levels had both waned and he was no longer into pleasing her first, if at all.
"How do I get him to want to have more sex?" she asked. I wasn't sure. When she tried to broach the topic with him, he brushed it off. After months of dwindling affection, she eventually decided it was time to leave. Not because of the sex (although that was indeed a factor), but because she was mightily unhappy. And since her man wasn't making an effort to please her, listen to her or change, she figured that he just didn't love her enough any more.
Julia says she's sick to death of her partner's penchant for perving on other women. "What can I do about his wandering eye?" she asked.
I questioned a bunch of dudes at the weekend – who happened to be at a party I attended filled with scantily-clad women – if indeed there was anything to be done about this conundrum.
"Nothing. We're all just animals," one declared. "I want to have sex really badly with every girl in a mini skirt," he continued, eyeing the talent. "It doesn't mean that, in truth, I really want to have sex with them, but my brain is definitely sending me some weird unconscious messages."
So will men ever change? I don't think so. Nevertheless, we try to tweak, morph and modify our blokes in the hope they'll eventually realise that we are right, they are wrong and that, if they want to keep us happy, content and faithful, they'd better make some alterations, and fast. After all, happy wife, happy life, right?
Being single, I meet loads of men on a constant basis. And while I've realised a heck of a lot of things about dating (some of the lessons I've learnt will be revealed in Thursday's column), the one thing I've discovered is how to be quicker at picking up on the warning signs that they're not the right guy for me.
I know this from my own personal list of non-negotiables. Does he like my friends? Does he flirt with other women in front of me? Does he take drugs? Is he a man-child commitment-phobe? And will he dump me the minute he gets what he wants, or stick around for at least another date?
After months of getting disappointed (and hoping he will change, only to realise he won't) these days, instead of diving head first into a relationship, I work out (before the first kiss) whether or not he fits the bill. Because, if he does show traits that annoy me, I will tell him that we can no longer go on because I don't want to date a man who does X and Y, and I value myself too much to accept that sort of behaviour. But the real reason is that, no matter how much I like a man, I know the axiom is true: you can't change a man. So when you choose him, you must accept him "as is", otherwise you'll both run into major relationship snags.
My friend Matt tells me the problem men have with women who want to change them is that no man wants to date a woman who reminds him of his mother.
"Women who nag or tell us what to do, or tell us to change, remind us of our mothers. No man wants to date their mothers, regardless of what research may tell you."
He also tells me that I don't need to accept anything I don't like from a man because I am a strong, independent woman who needs no one. And he's right: when you believe you're OK on your own, one of two things happens: either you meet someone who shares your morals and values (and you have the strength to reject the rest, no matter how desperate you are to settle down), or you find someone who is different but who complements you so you enjoy learning from each other.
Surely there's go to be a way?
In a weird twist of fate, at the time my long-term relationship broke down, I was asked to co-write a book about how to get men to do things they might not otherwise want to do.
Titled The Man Whisperer, the book details a new method of feminine communication that doesn't involve nagging, manipulation or "mothering" a man, but nevertheless encourages him to tweak his behaviour.
The premise is simple: speak to him in a way he understands (without barraging him with too many requests at once or interrupting him when he's doing something else, such as watching the footy or drinking a beer with his mates) and it's a win-win situation.
As I wrote the book, I realised that I'd been going about trying to change my man in all the wrong ways. I'd been putting him down, instead of boosting him.
I wanted to talk when he was busy (and discovered – shock, horror – that men can only do one thing at a time). And despite knowing what type of man I'd become involved with, I now wanted him to change.
Of course, it's not my fault, nor his. As Einstein said: "Women marry men hoping they will change, men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed."
Yet we still try to change him anyway. No wonder we're still struggling with the battle of the sexes ...
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