How do you know if you've met the one? Are there fireworks? Do they make you laugh? Can they protect and provide? Do they know how to navigate your G-spot? Are they good in bed? Who knows.
But according to recent national survey commissioned for the home entertainment release of romantic comedy How Do You Know, women think they know he's the one when they feel secure; men know when they feel passion and there's oodles of romance in the mix (surprising, eh?).
The good news is that, despite all those career bachelors out there (see last week's column on Guyland), 82 per cent of Aussies surveyed said that they would put their relationships above their careers any day. (Good to know.)
Eager to find out more, I contacted the original creator of the Mars/Venus debate, Dr John Gray. I got to meet Here's what transpired:
Me: John, the theme of this chat is how do we know when they're "the one" or we're really in love. What do you think?
John: Well, I was a celibate monk for nine years, from the age of 18. So when I came out of that time, I thought that every single woman I met was the one! But after experiencing a few relationships, I was able to define for myself the difference between love and being "in love". And the difference is that being "in love" means that you are with someone who has the potential to be someone you can share your life with.
Me: How do you know when you get to that point?
John: There are five stages to getting to this point, with the final stage being engagement. It's funny, but through my research I've found that you can wake up one morning with this person and you just know. You know that this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with and at that point, both people will just know. After the attraction stage has worn off (stage one), it's normal for you both to have doubts (stage two), but these are important in helping you progress to the next stage which is exclusivity (stage three). After that is intimacy (stage four, which doesn't necessarily mean sex). And then finally, engagement (stage five).
Me: When does sex come into it? I know some men who will say you have to sleep with them right away in order for them to get to know you better, whereas most women will say that they want to get to know a man better before they sleep with them. What do you think?
John: Let's address this issue. A normal guy's thinking is usually this: "How can I know she is right for me if we don't have sex?" And I've even had some European women say to me, "Why waste time getting to know if they're the right person without having sex right away? If they're not good in bed, what's the point?" This is the essence of the battle of the sexes: men want sex and (most) women want intimacy.
But most women are definitely right about wanting to get to know a man before they rush in to have sex. Every man wants to have sex right away. But she is the keeper of the gate and he should not let her in the gate until he earns his way in. Women want to get to know a man before they sleep with him because that's how they bond with a man. And a man bonds with a woman when he feels he's achieved her openness and willingness to have sex with him. If you are just putting it out there, of course any guy is going to say, "Great, yes to that!" And the more insecure he is, the happier he is to be passive and to have a woman pursue him. But he doesn't bond with her. So there will be nothing glueing you together. The way to forge a bond is for a woman to see if a man will pursue and try to win her. And the way for a man to see if he's really interested in a woman is to be allowed to be the one to do the pursuing!
Me: How does a man know if he likes a woman enough to continue to pursue her?
John: Men feel they're in the right relationship when they feel successful in making you happy. If he feels he cannot do this, he will not commit to her. Case in point was a couple I was counselling who had been living together for nine years and the man wouldn't propose. When I asked him (when she wasn't there) why he wouldn't propose, he said they once were on a tour of Beverly Hills in California looking at beautiful Beverly Hills homes, and she mentioned that she'd love to live in one of those houses. He said that when he heard that, he felt inside himself that he could never provide that for her, and he wanted her to have the best so therefore he didn't want to marry her if he could not make her happy.
For me personally, it was when my girlfriend was with me in the car, and I was getting the directions all wrong and making wrong turns. I was expecting her to get mad, but instead she just looked outside the window and said, "What a beautiful sunset!" I could have knelt down then and thanked God for bringing me this woman. That was when I knew. I said to myself at that point, "This woman is the one for me."
Me: Are you suggesting then that women should pretend to be happy with a guy so he will commit?
John: No, women shouldn't play that game, because it's not authentic. And when she isn't authentically happy with him, he won't bond with her. It has to be an authentic "Yes". You can smile and laugh at everything he says, but if he doesn't earn it, and you're not genuine about it, he won't bond with you.
Me: Can a woman ever call or text a guy first, or should she let him do all the pursuing?
John: In the old days women didn't call men. There was a whole culture that was set around the guy making the phone call. So how do you pursue a guy without pursuing? I use the word "proceptive". It's not about taking action, it's about women being pro-receptive and letting him know that you are interested in him and that if he took a step forward, that he wouldn't be rejected. But don't let him think it is assured because then he will not feel like he is doing the chasing!
Me: What makes a successful relationship?
John: When a man feels like he is able to please a woman. This is a tough one though, because some women are easier to please than others. When a woman says that her husband is so generous in the bedroom, I ask her how long it takes her to come. If she says "two minutes" then I understand why she praises him – it's easy for the men to be generous when their partner comes in two minutes!
For those women who take 20-30 minutes, it's not that easy and it's harder for a man to please her. The same goes for women who have long lists of what they need for a man to please her. It's harder for those women to be in happy, successful relationships.
Me: Many career women complain they intimidate men. Why does this happen?
John: If she's smart and capable, I'll admire that. But she has to be receptive to a man's love. Many strong women are not receptive to a man's love and don't let him feel like he is needed in the relationship. Men admire results and think you are great for achieving them, but that doesn't make you attractive to a man. What does make a man attracted to a woman is if there is some place in her life where he can feel needed and have something to offer.
Me: What do men and women want?
John: Men are attracted to women who are beautiful – and not just physical beauty, but love is beautiful too. And men want that in their lives.
Women want men who are powerful, confident and capable, but they don't have to run the world, they just have to be able to take care of themselves and have something extra to give to her.
Me: Many men complain to me that women only like rich men with nice cars ...
John: That's not true. He just needs to have enough to take care of himself, and then enough to take care of her. In the movie How Do You Know, Reece Witherspoon's character is dating a man who makes $17 million a year. It appears that some women just want that – and that's fine. But what wins her heart is a guy who doesn't have all that – the guy who actually persists, who doesn't take things personally and who is a good listener. It's not that he's just a good listener, he can hear without taking things personally. Women also want a man who doesn't take himself so seriously.
Me: Do older women and younger men relationships really work?
John: For a certain period of time. But, after these guys reach 30 years old, they are no longer mouldable. They are eager when they are young, but after that, they're not so eager to please. You get these guys who are new at women and they are very happy to learn from an older woman about what to do. They are very happy to take directions and to listen to these women.
But once he gets a certain level of confidence, he thinks, "I don't want somebody telling me what to do." And those women are out the door. And also once he's in his 30s and he starts making money, he's going to want kids. And she can't provide him with that if she's too old. I'm not saying women shouldn't do it. Why not have some fun? If you're divorced and you're 40 or 50 and you don't want a family but you want companionship, you've got a good 10 years to have a great older woman/younger man relationship. And there's nothing wrong with creating a series of positive experiences so that you feel nurtured and supported. Just don't expect them to last over a certain point.
Me: The biggest mistake that single men make?
John: The biggest mistake men make is that they are scared to chase a woman and they are scared of rejection. If they are sincere and they like a woman they should be patient, and then pursue, be patient and then pursue. And to continue with this pattern until they get the girl. Don't come to a girl with any fear of rejection. It immediately puts her in a position of thinking that he is needy. Guys don't realise this, though. So one technique for guys is that I tell them for at least a year, learn to build your confidence. So every day you should give your card to at least three women. You don't have to take her number, but just give her yours. Say, "Let's get together for lunch sometime," then give her a compliment (without any sexual innuendo) and then give her your card. Simple stuff, a little compliment, a little conversation, ask her what she does and show a little interest. Say you'd love to spend more time with her, give her your card and tell her to give you a call."
Me: And what's the biggest mistake single women make?
John: The biggest mistake women make is trying too hard. Women are pursuing guys. Also in my book Mars and Venus on a Date, I say that the biggest mistake women make is being too easy to please and not being genuine. Also don't ask men so many questions because they will forget that you are even there! You need to speak up in order to allow a man to bond with you. And women need to moderate this.
But according to recent national survey commissioned for the home entertainment release of romantic comedy How Do You Know, women think they know he's the one when they feel secure; men know when they feel passion and there's oodles of romance in the mix (surprising, eh?).
The good news is that, despite all those career bachelors out there (see last week's column on Guyland), 82 per cent of Aussies surveyed said that they would put their relationships above their careers any day. (Good to know.)
Advertisement: Story continues below
Me: John, the theme of this chat is how do we know when they're "the one" or we're really in love. What do you think?
John: Well, I was a celibate monk for nine years, from the age of 18. So when I came out of that time, I thought that every single woman I met was the one! But after experiencing a few relationships, I was able to define for myself the difference between love and being "in love". And the difference is that being "in love" means that you are with someone who has the potential to be someone you can share your life with.
Me: How do you know when you get to that point?
John: There are five stages to getting to this point, with the final stage being engagement. It's funny, but through my research I've found that you can wake up one morning with this person and you just know. You know that this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with and at that point, both people will just know. After the attraction stage has worn off (stage one), it's normal for you both to have doubts (stage two), but these are important in helping you progress to the next stage which is exclusivity (stage three). After that is intimacy (stage four, which doesn't necessarily mean sex). And then finally, engagement (stage five).
Me: When does sex come into it? I know some men who will say you have to sleep with them right away in order for them to get to know you better, whereas most women will say that they want to get to know a man better before they sleep with them. What do you think?
John: Let's address this issue. A normal guy's thinking is usually this: "How can I know she is right for me if we don't have sex?" And I've even had some European women say to me, "Why waste time getting to know if they're the right person without having sex right away? If they're not good in bed, what's the point?" This is the essence of the battle of the sexes: men want sex and (most) women want intimacy.
But most women are definitely right about wanting to get to know a man before they rush in to have sex. Every man wants to have sex right away. But she is the keeper of the gate and he should not let her in the gate until he earns his way in. Women want to get to know a man before they sleep with him because that's how they bond with a man. And a man bonds with a woman when he feels he's achieved her openness and willingness to have sex with him. If you are just putting it out there, of course any guy is going to say, "Great, yes to that!" And the more insecure he is, the happier he is to be passive and to have a woman pursue him. But he doesn't bond with her. So there will be nothing glueing you together. The way to forge a bond is for a woman to see if a man will pursue and try to win her. And the way for a man to see if he's really interested in a woman is to be allowed to be the one to do the pursuing!
Me: How does a man know if he likes a woman enough to continue to pursue her?
John: Men feel they're in the right relationship when they feel successful in making you happy. If he feels he cannot do this, he will not commit to her. Case in point was a couple I was counselling who had been living together for nine years and the man wouldn't propose. When I asked him (when she wasn't there) why he wouldn't propose, he said they once were on a tour of Beverly Hills in California looking at beautiful Beverly Hills homes, and she mentioned that she'd love to live in one of those houses. He said that when he heard that, he felt inside himself that he could never provide that for her, and he wanted her to have the best so therefore he didn't want to marry her if he could not make her happy.
For me personally, it was when my girlfriend was with me in the car, and I was getting the directions all wrong and making wrong turns. I was expecting her to get mad, but instead she just looked outside the window and said, "What a beautiful sunset!" I could have knelt down then and thanked God for bringing me this woman. That was when I knew. I said to myself at that point, "This woman is the one for me."
Me: Are you suggesting then that women should pretend to be happy with a guy so he will commit?
John: No, women shouldn't play that game, because it's not authentic. And when she isn't authentically happy with him, he won't bond with her. It has to be an authentic "Yes". You can smile and laugh at everything he says, but if he doesn't earn it, and you're not genuine about it, he won't bond with you.
Me: Can a woman ever call or text a guy first, or should she let him do all the pursuing?
John: In the old days women didn't call men. There was a whole culture that was set around the guy making the phone call. So how do you pursue a guy without pursuing? I use the word "proceptive". It's not about taking action, it's about women being pro-receptive and letting him know that you are interested in him and that if he took a step forward, that he wouldn't be rejected. But don't let him think it is assured because then he will not feel like he is doing the chasing!
Me: What makes a successful relationship?
John: When a man feels like he is able to please a woman. This is a tough one though, because some women are easier to please than others. When a woman says that her husband is so generous in the bedroom, I ask her how long it takes her to come. If she says "two minutes" then I understand why she praises him – it's easy for the men to be generous when their partner comes in two minutes!
For those women who take 20-30 minutes, it's not that easy and it's harder for a man to please her. The same goes for women who have long lists of what they need for a man to please her. It's harder for those women to be in happy, successful relationships.
Me: Many career women complain they intimidate men. Why does this happen?
John: If she's smart and capable, I'll admire that. But she has to be receptive to a man's love. Many strong women are not receptive to a man's love and don't let him feel like he is needed in the relationship. Men admire results and think you are great for achieving them, but that doesn't make you attractive to a man. What does make a man attracted to a woman is if there is some place in her life where he can feel needed and have something to offer.
Me: What do men and women want?
John: Men are attracted to women who are beautiful – and not just physical beauty, but love is beautiful too. And men want that in their lives.
Women want men who are powerful, confident and capable, but they don't have to run the world, they just have to be able to take care of themselves and have something extra to give to her.
Me: Many men complain to me that women only like rich men with nice cars ...
John: That's not true. He just needs to have enough to take care of himself, and then enough to take care of her. In the movie How Do You Know, Reece Witherspoon's character is dating a man who makes $17 million a year. It appears that some women just want that – and that's fine. But what wins her heart is a guy who doesn't have all that – the guy who actually persists, who doesn't take things personally and who is a good listener. It's not that he's just a good listener, he can hear without taking things personally. Women also want a man who doesn't take himself so seriously.
Me: Do older women and younger men relationships really work?
John: For a certain period of time. But, after these guys reach 30 years old, they are no longer mouldable. They are eager when they are young, but after that, they're not so eager to please. You get these guys who are new at women and they are very happy to learn from an older woman about what to do. They are very happy to take directions and to listen to these women.
But once he gets a certain level of confidence, he thinks, "I don't want somebody telling me what to do." And those women are out the door. And also once he's in his 30s and he starts making money, he's going to want kids. And she can't provide him with that if she's too old. I'm not saying women shouldn't do it. Why not have some fun? If you're divorced and you're 40 or 50 and you don't want a family but you want companionship, you've got a good 10 years to have a great older woman/younger man relationship. And there's nothing wrong with creating a series of positive experiences so that you feel nurtured and supported. Just don't expect them to last over a certain point.
Me: The biggest mistake that single men make?
John: The biggest mistake men make is that they are scared to chase a woman and they are scared of rejection. If they are sincere and they like a woman they should be patient, and then pursue, be patient and then pursue. And to continue with this pattern until they get the girl. Don't come to a girl with any fear of rejection. It immediately puts her in a position of thinking that he is needy. Guys don't realise this, though. So one technique for guys is that I tell them for at least a year, learn to build your confidence. So every day you should give your card to at least three women. You don't have to take her number, but just give her yours. Say, "Let's get together for lunch sometime," then give her a compliment (without any sexual innuendo) and then give her your card. Simple stuff, a little compliment, a little conversation, ask her what she does and show a little interest. Say you'd love to spend more time with her, give her your card and tell her to give you a call."
Me: And what's the biggest mistake single women make?
John: The biggest mistake women make is trying too hard. Women are pursuing guys. Also in my book Mars and Venus on a Date, I say that the biggest mistake women make is being too easy to please and not being genuine. Also don't ask men so many questions because they will forget that you are even there! You need to speak up in order to allow a man to bond with you. And women need to moderate this.
No comments:
Post a Comment