Every little girl has a dream. Mine was to be a beautiful sultry and devilish Maggie Q in a black weather peering out magic weapon. Either than that, I longed to be Angelina Jolie – pouting sexily at the camera, candidly and flawlessly. Before I commit myself into something, I give it some real serious thoughts. I have to feel secure about it first before moving forward. I realized that ‘true happiness’ lies within you. If you can’t love yourself, you can’t be free. I sought therapy to help me cope up with all my past emotional baggage and frustration. I’ve always been provocative and I strive to win in every argument I engage in without consciously knowing that I have hurt many people of my bluntness.
I must admit that although I am stern-minded, above others to ask for help, and a self-proclaimed omniscient, I realized that this life is not all there is. It is tough being a transgender woman let alone living a lifestyle that is unconventional. I may seem happy but reality reveals that I am not. I concede that.
I was a bloke! I knew it ever since I started feeling differently towards other boys in our class. They liked dribbling balls in the basket ball court while I just sat and watched them from the side court, desperate to go home to play Barbie dolls with my sister. Unfortunately, I was not born perfect and this imperfection has worried and disturbed me. Yet I was (and still am) kind to my family and friends, worked hard, gained many friends and eventually accepted that my physical imperfection is inconsequential. Naturally, I was endowed with physical attractiveness and although I have an advantage over other transgender because of this, I felt I needed to “change”. I felt the need to change to find what I really yearned for – True Happiness. What I did not realize, was that every change comes with a cost.
The need to change became so eminent to me, it was so strong that I became very impatient, and made a decision to stop to work and try to do something completely different. I had heard that there were certain paths through the City of Life, which I looked incredibly interesting and absolutely wonderful. I had heard that some of these paths were full of mystery and danger, but also held the chance of great opportunity. For the next six years, I myself journeying down this so called Central Path.
Being in this journey I have come to realize that happiness is the lone purpose of living. This is the only way I could cope with the lies, the cheating and the deception I was witnessing over the course of time. The then unsure lady boy has become a Woman – no longer the naïve and young one but wise and level-headed.
Because of what I am now, I feel less prone to bullies and discrimination but it saddens me to hear stories of our sisters facing inevitable experiences of prejudice. To show my sympathy and love, I started blogging and use my beauty for a cause. I bait my ass in a sense of giving a reality check, gender and sexuality education to people I encounter. It just feels so empowering and fulfilling. You don’t need to be in an organization or rally to show your sincere advocacy. There are myriad ways to help and continues to fight equality. I promote it on a regular basis.
An incident happened at Intercontinental hotel as I recall. They were five of them from STRAP, and they were blocked from entering the Icon bar and were told that Transgender were not allowed. Some women complained that Transgender use the female restroom. I was shunned and this has really called my attention. I wrote a complaint to the management and demanded an explanation. Knowing that one of the victims was my friend, I felt the need to save her and rescue her from disrespectful banters and haters. To me, dealing with insensitiveness is unacceptable. I simply dislike seeing someone being bullied.
My advocacy has paid off with faithful readers. At one point, someone has said to me, “Sophia, I totally understand how you feel. I’ve gone through it many times and sometimes feel the same way. Sometimes this hopelessness just haunts us and the shadows try to catch us”. And I replied by telling her that “faith is about believing beyond the reason to believe”. It may seem funny that despite the unjust circumstances, there are others who are in the same kind of situation yet they succeeded in finding happiness.
And to those Transgender who still feel the stigma in the society, start to reckon the time that there are people in your life whom you accepted as a whole yet you did not have the same feelings to equate theirs. You didn’t happen to fall in love with them. That alone should give you empirical evidence that life is not that bad after all, that there are also other people out there who suffer.
And because my past was out in the open and I have touched many lives of transgender people, they have become my inspiration to strive harder and to deliver more! At the moment, I am single and focusing on my modeling and soon to venture acting career. But one day, I’d love to settle down with someone special, adopt some children and have a happy family.
On a positive note, ‘Let go of that ego and insecurity. Realizing it and trying to articulate it stops it in its tracks. A daily battle for everyone I think.
Until then, I’m happy being me.
Grab a copy this coming November. On-line version, pls join the mailing list at no cost by going to http://bit.ly/gsfrock Smize and be fierce!
All images is photographed by Dale Bacar www.dalebacar.com
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