Time flies quickly. Getting to know the rope of Indian acting and modeling industry took me nearly 4 years to susceptibly scrutinize my image: what I aim to portray and what others see in me. I sometimes get caught up in the realm of the superficial, wishing away every stray hair or blemish, unshaped nose, sunken cheekbone, narrow hips and forget to let my inner beauty shine. But if ever there was a reminder, it was the day "Rupture" movie was offered to me.I remember the chill in the air, grabbing a sweatshirt and spritzing it with my favourite parfum spray. I remember going balcony to smoke a cigarette, something I am not proud of but not ashamed of, either. I let myself get lost in thought for those few quick minutes, but as I did, took valium pills and sex hormones an overdose to die. I was so in shock at the time that the solid capsules didn’t even hurt, so I neglected to call anyone and instead tried shots of whisky like a fish in the bathroom. This is what I was doing when my cousin found me in the condo, and noticed the severity of the situation. She called for an ambulance and to this day I am grateful that she did, because if she hadn’t, I could’ve very easily gone drunk and never woken up.
I was hospitalized for about a week during which time I cleansed up from drug overdose, depression and spent numerous hours in therapy. Around after Valentines I was released into the care of my cousin; my emotional wounds were healing rapidly but my spiritual wounds, not so much. I cringed every time I looked into the mirror. I began to feel hyper-aware of people staring and of their intrusive questions. My self-esteem was at an all-time low.
I’m not sure when my mentality shifted from ‘victim’ to ‘survivor,’ but with time and enough encouragement from my friends and family, and faith in our Almighty God it absolutely did. Rather than rest on my delusional panic attack, I was forced to look deep inside myself for the inner beauty and strength I possessed; I had to relearn how to cultivate them so that I could interact with the world around me. I began to view my accident, honestly the fourth and last attempt as less of a tragedy and more of a call-to-arms; I knew the time had come for me to focus not on my external self as I had for many years, but on what was and is inside of me.
I experienced a shift in my world view once I began to cultivate my strengths; I began to see myself in a whole new light as well. I came to terms with the fact that I would start modeling, now I have found true happiness, at least not as successfully as I did before my accident. Even then, I would have to wait until the poisonous substances came off. But, until then, I had a whole other array of skills at my disposal. I am a skilled human behaviour expert, mostly of man’s world, transsexualism, infidelity, insecurities and weakness, never ending roller-coaster of both gender, and norms of society. I have a tremendous amount of empathy and good insight into my own emotions. I treat people the way I want to be treated and am loyal to a fault.
Now that my wounds have healed I have begun modeling, an entrepreneur and venture on acting, this time with a different vision in mind: I want to be an inspiration to those who feel held back by their scars, spiritual, physical or emotional. I want to show people that while physical beauty is aesthetically pleasing, it cannot compare to the mark left by one’s inner beauty. Moreover, I want to prove that with enough courage and conviction, anything is possible. With these things at my command, I will thrive instead of just survive.
Leaving on a positive note: Beneath this mask there is more than flesh. Beneath this mask there is an idea and ideas are bulletproof.
Samay kitna Jaldi nikal jata hai, Indian acting aur Modeling Industry ko Jante hue 4 saal ho gaye aur Me hamesha dekhte rahi apni acchi Image Bana ne ke liye. Me Kaisi Dikhti hu aur Log muje Kaise Dekhte hai. Kabhi Kabhi me Joothe Jagah pe bhi Fas Gayi, Mere Gire Hue baal ya Daag, Bina Shape ka Naak, Andar Chale gaye hue Gaal, patle Honth ye sab chala jaye aur bhul gayi thi mere andar ki sundarta ko batana. Par Muje tabhi asha mili jab Rupture Movie muje offer ki gayi.
Muje Yaad hai wo Thandi Hawa, Sweatshirt Pehan na aur Mera Pasandida Perfume lagana. Muje Yaad hai Balcony me Jake Cigarette pina, Jis pe muje Proud nahi hai par Sharam bhi nahi hai. Me Thodi der ke liye ye sari soch me dub gayi thi, par jaise me karti thi mene Vilium Pills aur Sex hormones ka over dose kiya marne ke liye. Muje Shock laga jab pata chala ke Slid Capsules bhi muje hurt nahi kar paya, Fir mene Mene kisi ko call karne ki badle Bathroom ma jake Whiskey Pina Suru kar diya. Ye sab mene kiya tha jab Mere Cousine ne Condo me dhundha aur pata laga ke meri halat bahot kharab hai. Usne Ambulance Bulayi aur Us din se aaj tak me uska Sukhriya Adda karti hu usne ye sab kiya, Kyun ki agar usne ye sab nahi kiya hota to shayad me hamesha ke liye so jati.
Me ek Hafte tak Hospital me rahi uss darimiyan muj me se Drug ka overdose nikala gaya aur depression bhi dur karne ki koshish ki aur bahot ghanto tak therapy chali. Valentines ke baad muje pata chala ke meri cousine meri care kar rahi hai. Mere Emotional Ghav Bahot gehri saanse le rahe the par Spritual Ghav nahi. Me jab aaine me dekhti thi to bahot react karti thi. Mene Hyper Hona suru kar diya jab pata chala ke log muje Ghur rahe hai aur uske Pareshan Karne wale Sawal. Mera Khud pe bharosha all time low par tha.
Muje Nahi pata Kab Mansikta me badlav hua aur me Shikar me se Ladne walo me shamil ho gayi Par Samay aur Mere dost aur Family ke protsahan aur sahyog se aur Bhagwan pe mere bharose se sab thik ho gaya.Mere Delusional Panic attack hone par bhi me hamesha sochti thi meri aantrik sundarta aur Shakti jo mere pass hai.Muje ye wapas sikhna tha ke use me kaise acche se use kar sakti hu aur puri duniya se kaise batchit kar sakti hu.Mene mera accident dekhna suru kiya, Badi imandari se ye chautha aur aakhri prayas tha Tragedy kaam aur Sanket zyada tha kea b muje mere andar kya hai uss pe bharosha karna hai na ki bahari dikhave pe.
Me Meri duniya me badlav dekha hai aur uske baad se me meri Shakti pe bharosa rakhti hu. Mene khud ko naye prakash me dekhna suru kar diya tha. Me hamesha satya pe bharosa karti thi aur mene ye satya maan liya tha ke abhi muje Modelling karni chaiye jo muje sachi khushi de sakti hai, Itni zyada successful nahi shayad me jitni accident se pehle thi.Fir bhi muje raah dekhni thi jab tak zehrila sab mere andar ka bahar nahi aa jata. Par tab tak meri puri soch alag ho chuki thi aur kuch skill bhi develop kar li thi. Me Skilled Human Behavior Expert hu, Zyada tar mardo ki duniya me Transexualism, Infidelity, Insecurities aur Weakness dono gender ka kabhi na khatam hone wala roller coaster hai aur samaj ke hisab se muje Kafi sahayta mili hai aur abhi me apne hi khayalo me acchi hu. Me logo ko aise treat karti hu jaise me chahti hu aur jiska kasoor hai use bhi. Aur darti hu me jaisi bhi hu, Khoobsurat hu.
Abhi jaise mere ghav tham gaye hai mene modeling suru ki, ek entrepreneur aur acting me 1 nayi soch ke saath kuch naya leke aayi hu. Me unn logo ke liye Prerna ban na chahti hu Jo Piche hatt chuke hai apne Daar se, Spritual, Physical or Emotional. Me logo ko dikhana chahti hu ke Acche dikhne wali beauty bahar se acchi lagti hai par usko Andar ki khoobsurti se tola nahi jata.Aur Abhi me dikhana chahti hu ke khud pe pura bharosa ho aur himmat ho to kuch bhi possible hai. Ye sari cheese jo meri jankari me thi, Me safalta ke liye prayatna karugi na ki sirf jine ke liye.
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