The art of being sexy

The other night a seminar entitled "The Art of Being Sexy", hosted by Alina Berdichevsky. As I looked around the room, each one of the women present looked to me as if she'd just stepped out of Glamour magazine – gorgeous, well-dressed women all displaying an air of confidence.

Or so I assumed. The 16 women present included a model, a lawyer, a businesswoman, two young working mums, a writer and an entrepreneur.

As the conversation started to get more intimate and the women started to open up about their lives, their relationships and their self-image, something started to be revealed that shocked all of us: no matter how good things appeared to be on the outside, many were suffering silently on the inside.
Advertisement: Story continues below

The women in relationships feared that they'd succumbed to a life of "sitting on the couch" in their tracky daks with messy hair and smelly breath. They admitted that, sadly, gone were the days of surprising their partner in the nude with a perfectly prepared dinner as he walked through the door before a night of satiating sex and a flutter of compliments.

"Now I just stomp around the house," said one. "That can't be sexy."

"I'm so tired," said another. "I couldn't be bothered to make an effort."

"I'm never in the mood."

"I'm always in a rush."

The career women in the group seemed to have a slightly different problem. They feared they'd completely lost their feminine identity because they had to "man-up" their look in the office so that the men would take them more seriously.

Hence they'd ditched every bit of their sexuality, including their short skirts and pretty scarves, to climb the corporate ladder based on their merit and intelligence rather than their feminine wiles. It was filtering into the private lives too, and they weren't happy about it.

"I've really quashed my sexuality and femininity in every way," admitted one. "I've gone completely the other way and I only wear black suits, and black, black, black. My boyfriend can't be too pleased."

The new mums exposed their vulnerability and fear that they would never again be seen by the public (let alone their husbands) as sexy.

"I'm always trying to do a million things at once so I'm always dropping things," said one.

"I'm self-conscious about the changes in my body," said another.

"Sexiness has all but evaporated from our lives for the past 10 months. Which coincidentally coincides with the age of my son."

All feeling a little not-so-sexy, the group turned to Alina for guidance. She explained that being sexy was not about what you wear, your weight or the size of your cleavage. Instead it's about having the power within to ooze sexiness, own it, not worry about outside forces and to never compare yourself to others.

"We are naturally sexy," she says. "But there are things which block our sexiness."

She says the top mistakes women make when it comes to sexiness are not owning their flaws, comparing themselves to other women, being in a co-dependent relationship and giving the other person (a boyfriend / lover / work colleagues) the power to make or break the way women feel about themselves. She also says that if the women are disconnected from their bodies, harbour resentment towards men or are stuck in a rut, those things can all hinder their sexiness, too. (Note: there was no mention of not wearing a miniskirt, being a size six or looking like Angelina Jolie!)

Her advice for all women wanting to be sexy?

"Make sexiness a priority and include it in your identity," she advises. "Work with what you have and own your own look. Move more slowly and start to feel the subtle currents of bliss inside you as you smile at the world. Make your environment more beautiful, sensual and lush. Note that sex is everywhere in nature [she describes raindrops as kisses]. Make yourself your #1 priority and nourish, spoil, treat and worship yourself daily."

She says that sexiness all about being feminine, so women (even the ballsy career chicks among us), should soften more often, walk more slowly, swagger their hips a little and, if all else fails, dance alone when no one is watching.

I've had many men tell me that sexy is jeans and a t-shirt; little make-up, a good sense of humour and not taking yourself too seriously. I've had other men tell me that the sexiest woman in the room is the one not trying too hard. So why then are we all so confused as to what is sexy?

"Most importantly make sure that sexiness is your - not your partner's - priority."

Perhaps it really does come within, although I'm sure somehow the lad's mag editors (and readers) might beg to differ...

Women do not really like sex, say what?!

Apologies to all you red-blooded, sexually active straight males of the world. Because apparently, says English comedian Stephen Fry, sex with you disgusts women. In fact, the only reason we ever agree to do it with you is that we believe it will lead us to a "relationship", a waltz down the aisle and commitment for life. And sex, says Fry, is the small "price" women feel they have to pay for a little bit of stability and commitment.

Really? So now we have a gay man telling us how much we like sex and perpetuating the myth (once again) that the female species doesn't?

Outraging feminists and promiscuous women alike, Fry nevertheless proceeded to tell a journalist that most women will deny the fact they don't like sex, but that he knows we're lying because we don't do it nearly as much as gay men (who he believes do it out in the open, solicit for it in public and do it with strangers).
Advertisement: Story continues below

Why the heck is he telling us how we feel about sex anyway? It was like my male friend the other night arguing with me over the existence of an E-cup bra size. Why a straight man who has never bought a bra in his life was arguing with a woman over the existence of a certain bra size is beyond me.

But anyway, back to sex and Fry's belief ... which has put me in a little bit of a puddle. Because, you see, the aim of this column is to debunk the dating and relationship myths propagated by the opposite sex. My duty is to demystify the confusion and to bring the sexes one step closer to understanding one another so that the Mars and Venus divide can start edging ever so slightly closer together.

So, in light of debunking the latest sex myth, and a few others I've been privy to during the weekend, I hereby give you my top relationship myths debunked. Feel free to add to the list ...

Myth: Women don't like sex as much as men and do it only to get a "commitment"

Fact: Here's a startling revelation: women do like sex. In fact we might just like it as much as men. Sometimes even more. We simply have a higher price to pay as a consequence of it. Hence a clever gal will be a little more discerning when it comes to who exactly she's going to bonk and when exactly she's going to bonk him. Because the trouble is that not only are we at risk of pregnancy, but sex bonds us to a man. For men, not so much. And, as Ted's girlfriend cleverly said in an episode of How I Met Your Mother, "Men regret the women they don't sleep with, women regret the men they do sleep with." So it's not that we don't like it. It's that we don't like all the hoo-hah and consequences that often follow it.

Myth: Men will change

Fact: I've dated a man-child, a man with no social skills, a player, a shy guy and a guy who lied about his job in the hope of getting laid. And they all had one similar characteristic: none of them were ever going to change … or at least not in the near future. The problem is that, despite what many women wish to believe, men aren't "projects" that you can morph and turn into whatever you believe is your ideal guy. They are who they are: simple creatures and creatures of habit. Sure you can get them to wax their unibrows or give you more oral sex (methods on how to do this are outlined in my upcoming book The Man Whisperer), but changing their entire personality ain't going to happen. Pick someone else or get over his so-called flaws.

Myth: Holding off from having sex means there's more chance of a long-term relationship

Fact: Sure, men will say that sex is no big deal. And, yes, often when men only want sex, it might end up in heartache for the women who give it away like dessert on the first date. Especially if they believe sex might lead to more than just a one-night romp. But my womanising mate Jed says that if a guy likes a girl, he likes her. And it's not going to make a difference whether he sleeps with her on the first date or the fifth. Of course it works the other way around too. (Or maybe they just say that with ulterior motives in mind.) But if you're dating a douchebag, he's going to treat you like crap whether you sleep with him too soon or not. But back to the myth. Listen to your gut. If something is off about the person or they're pressuring you into it, don't do it. But if you do slip (pardon the pun), don't think your chances are doomed either. Just don't start calling him your "boyfriend" the next day ...

Myth: You should wait to meet your soul mate and not settle for anything less

Fact: Call me a pessimist but I think the soul mate theory is all a bunch of bollocks. If you do indeed believe it exists, waiting around for it to hit you over the head and rescue you from your mundane life is not going to do you any good. When you're out of the game (staying at home waiting for your soul mate!), you're never even going to find someone to shag, let alone a life partner. Live your life, surround yourself with good people, give more people a go and you might be pleasantly surprised at what you discover.

Myth: Love conquers all

Fact: Not when there's religion, oceans or toxic in-laws to divide you. Unfortunately, while they say love may conquer all, sometimes it's not enough. If your value system is just too different, or some other factor such as your work, your country or your religion gets in the way, sometimes love just isn't enough to overcome the obstacles. I wish it was. I wish all the myths we hear - especially this one - would be true. Unfortunately, they're not. Good on paper is not necessarily what makes a good relationship. Or even a lasting one. Sometimes stuff - like life - gets in the way of love - and there's nothing you can do about it ...