"Men want sex, women want love." Isn't that how the adage goes? Isn't that why you and I, dear readers, have spent hours upon hours here at dating forums pontificating, debating and arguing over everything from why men don't call back (because maybe they're not that into us?), to the real consequences of sex on the first date (no more respect?) to how to get a man to commit (never ask, don't demand, and don't sleep with him on the first date?). Is it really all because, for men, it's all about sex, but for women it's about finding true love?
Either way, somewhere along the slippery road of dating, courtship and the attempt to find an emotional connection, women stopped keeping their legs shut in favour of "owning their sexuality" and to purport to be able to "do it like a man". This all thanks to the ingenious invention of the "booty call" (which by the way, men are still praising the sexual gods for) which has given women the incentive to put their real desires aside in favour of a warm body, an enjoyable quickie and the confidence to shut off any urges for a real boyfriend thanks to their biological ticking clock.
Yep, modern women no longer seem to be afraid of a little self-gratifying horizontal hanky panky without emotional ties or morning-after consequences because, not only does neither party have any expectations for any follow-up the next day, but it's well-known (or at least by its very definition) that the booty call buddy always comes back for more emotionless romping sans dinner or midweek phone calls ... or at least not before the clock strikes twelve).
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But despite the increasing frequency of these no-strings-attached, seemingly seamless exchanges of sexual favours between two consenting adults who have one goal in mind that has nothing to do with love, connection or procreation, it seems to me that those ensconced in booty call unions almost always seem to come across a cacophony of conundrums.
One might become more attached to their BC buddy than they first might have hoped (usually the woman and usually thanks to a little hormone called "oxytocin" which causes her to want to "bond" to her sexual mate once the deed is done); one might meet someone else whom they actually want to "date" and therefore might feel awkward at the thought of having to end the BC relationship, and both seem to be simply treading water while swapping bodily fluids until "someone better comes along". Charming, isn't it?
So I was intrigued when I discovered that a bloke by the name of Peter K. Jonason, Assistant Professor in the Psychology Department at the University of South Alabama, had actually taken the time to do a "scientific study" on the booty call. Surely it's not rocket science to understand a simple transaction that happens when two people aren't that interested in each other but want to bonk anyway?
Apparently it's a little more complex than we might first have thought. So to find out just how all this works in the scientific realm of things, I decided to contact Jonason for some answers.
This is what transpired …
Me: What makes you a "booty call" expert?
Peter Jonason: I am an expert because I have turned my mental effort towards documenting this relationship type and studying its intricacies.
Me: What is the difference between a booty call and a one-night stand?
PJ: Most importantly, one-night stands happen only once. Booty-call relationships are ongoing. Booty-call relationships occur between people who know each other. One-night stands occur among individuals at zero (or near zero) acquaintance. Booty calls are also characterised by a larger range of sexual and emotional acts than one-night stands; more time on target as it were.
Me: Can booty call relationships ever develop into something more?
PJ: Of course they can. In our 2009 study, women seemed to be engaging in booty-call relationships with just that hope. Also because these are sexual relationships among friends, the strong possibility exists these individuals will "fall" into a serious relationship.
Me: Do you find that women start getting emotionally involved with their booty-call buddy more so than men?
PJ: We have never asked such a question but we do know that women report the relationship ended because they wanted more than just sex but the partner did not.
Me: Are women less interested in casual sex or having a booty call buddy than men are?
PJ: Although both sexes like sex and both sexes have to be present for a sexual encounter to occur, men do place a stronger emphasis on sex in a relationship and by extension one can infer they are more interested in both than women are.
Me: You say women experience "extreme social costs" from sleeping around … like what?
PJ: Most notably the sexual double standard which appears actually a within the female sex because women derogate other women who are sexually active more than men do. Men are interested in women who they do not have to work too hard to get sex with. Women may punish women who have sex too "freely" because it affects the market value of all women who "ask" for sex. It is sexual economics 101.
Me: You say that when it comes to a one-night stand, the man wins and the woman loses. How so?
PJ: By win and lose we mean one sex incurs the reproductive risk and the other sex does not. In a one-night stand, men get low investment sex with a woman who may have to invest for nine months (and however many years it takes for the male to leave the house). The winning and losing is framed on the evolutionary timescale and is played out because men and women have different reproductive interests and by extension different preferences in relationships and partners.
Me: Do booty call relationships hinder the chance people have to go out and meet "the one" because sex is simply on tap when they want it?
PJ: Interesting question. It is a possibility for sure. When one is distracted, one may miss a better opportunity. However, booty-call relationships appear to be what one would call a "place-holder" as per new data I am trying to get published. A "place-holder" relationship is one where the parties are filling their time until something better comes along.
Me: Biologically speaking, what is the real meaning behind the booty call and do you think it's healthy or should it be avoided at all costs?
PJ: The meaning individuals derive from these relationship is mostly sexual and partly emotional security. However, the dangerous thing is that we are moving away from the formal system of dating that many older generations are accustomed to. Now individuals hang out and fall into a relationship, whereas in the past individuals were more direct. For instance, today there is a push to have low-pressure casual meetings instead of formal declarations of dates. The lack of formal declarations protects the egos of the individuals if rejected and provides an easy escape if interest is not there. As for its health, I think it is the wrong question. The real issue is that individuals will try to solve their adaptive challenges and find ingenious ways of doing so. The better question is: what is next?
Me: So what is next?
PJ: The internet is killing the porn business and the mobile phone/internet is killing traditional dating. Twenty years ago no one would have predicted the rise of mobiles or the internet but here we are. But in general terms I am willing to bet it will be something that makes relationships even more "casual". Sex may become more socially acceptable and therefore the sexual freedom of both sexes may increase.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Monday, November 1, 2010
Would you date a bisexual?
It's one thing for a partner to lie to you about their fidelity, night-time shenanigans or about the last time they spoke to their ex. But what would you do if you found out your partner … had once upon a time had sex with a person of the same sex?
Pop singer Gwen Stefani's husband has come out and surprised everyone with a revelation. Apparently the hot-to-trot lead singer of the band Bush – Gavin Rossdale – has dabbled in the horizontal hanky panky with someone of the same sex. While he says he was 17 at the time, and that it was just a "one night thing", he says it's no big deal and that his actions don't mean he's gay.
"When you're 17, Jesus Christ. I don't think there's anything strange about any form of - you're learning about life. It's a part of growing up. That's it. No more, no less," he said.
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When the revelations were released, it appeared his wife didn't give a toss. So why should we? And if he is indeed bisexual, then almost half of those surveyed by YourTango website found that they would still date the person, regardless of this measly little factoid. So why all the hullabaloo?
When asked if she'd date a bisexual, Bethany, 29, an administrative assistant, concurs with Stefani's non-care attitude, telling YourTango: "Yes, absolutely. I find it refreshing when a guy is open about his sexuality. I think I'd be fine if it was in his past, but if I had to worry about him desiring men while we were together, then that might be a problem."
While the desire for men is one thing, what about the recent trend that men are more accepting and open about kissing other dudes then they once were?
Yep, according to a survey released last week carried out by British researchers at the University of Bath (which is getting a hell of a lot of press and causing a ruckus among conservative types), when it comes to giving each other a peck on the cheek, modern blokes are no longer as afraid as they once were.
From the survey, which questioned university students from two universities, a whopping 89 per cent of blokes said they had kissed a heterosexual male friend on the lips, 37 per cent said they'd engaged in "sustained" kissing with another man, and zero per cent of respondents thought any of this behaviour was "sexual".
When I asked my 27-year-old rugby-playing, beer-swigging mate what he thought of this, he looked at me a little strangely.
"Um, I'd never kiss a dude," he said.
As straight actor Colin Farrell said when talking about his gay love scenes in Alexander in 2004: "I didn't enjoy kissing the men any more than I am sure a gay guy would enjoy licking a woman's [bleep]. I find it repulsive when a guy's stubble is pressed against my lip."
But after thinking about it for a few minutes, my mate told me that he's noticed that more and more blokes are doing it ... but only on the sporting field.
"The French rugby team were giving each other full on pashes when they won against New Zealand a couple of years ago," he told me. "It was weird to watch. And it was what we talked about for ages after the game."
While sporting heroes are supposed to be the roughest, toughest, straightest blokes on the block, it seems odd that they're not shy to give each other a little lip-on-lip action (in front of the entire world!) when they get a tad excited.
The University of Bath survey results concur with my mate's observations, with 95 per cent of athletes surveyed admitting that they had kissed another man, and that they thought there was "nothing wrong with it".
So what's going on? Are more men coming out of the closet? Unafraid to show their affections for one another? Or is this trend a reflection of something else?
Dr Eric Anderson, from the university's department of education who helped conduct the survey, said heterosexual men kissing each other in friendship is "an offshoot of what happens when homophobia is reduced … At these universities, overt homophobia has reduced to near extinction, permitting those men to engage in behaviour that was once taboo."
Which is certainly good news, even if it means your man may have swapped spit with his best mate.
But back to Rossdale. Because when it comes to having sex with a person of the same sex, it's slightly different than pashing them on the soccer field after your mate scores the winning goal. So my question is this: what if you discovered something like that about your partner? Would you be willing to forgive and forget? Or would you feel betrayed? Would you feel uncomfortable around them? Or would you put it down to a simple case of young men (or women) finding their way? And where do you draw the line?
Recently I've come across a number of readers who have made startling discoveries about their partners. What would you forgive?
* They've been to jail.
* There are nude photos of them on the internet.
* They're on a dating website.
* They've been to a swingers club (and participated!).
* They've been sleeping around with other people of the opposite sex.
* They've slept with someone of the same sex ...
And in case you thought I was kidding about the trend of sporting blokes kissing one another, check out this video which proves they aren't afraid to show a bit of male-to-male lovin'...
Pop singer Gwen Stefani's husband has come out and surprised everyone with a revelation. Apparently the hot-to-trot lead singer of the band Bush – Gavin Rossdale – has dabbled in the horizontal hanky panky with someone of the same sex. While he says he was 17 at the time, and that it was just a "one night thing", he says it's no big deal and that his actions don't mean he's gay.
"When you're 17, Jesus Christ. I don't think there's anything strange about any form of - you're learning about life. It's a part of growing up. That's it. No more, no less," he said.
Advertisement: Story continues below
When the revelations were released, it appeared his wife didn't give a toss. So why should we? And if he is indeed bisexual, then almost half of those surveyed by YourTango website found that they would still date the person, regardless of this measly little factoid. So why all the hullabaloo?
When asked if she'd date a bisexual, Bethany, 29, an administrative assistant, concurs with Stefani's non-care attitude, telling YourTango: "Yes, absolutely. I find it refreshing when a guy is open about his sexuality. I think I'd be fine if it was in his past, but if I had to worry about him desiring men while we were together, then that might be a problem."
While the desire for men is one thing, what about the recent trend that men are more accepting and open about kissing other dudes then they once were?
Yep, according to a survey released last week carried out by British researchers at the University of Bath (which is getting a hell of a lot of press and causing a ruckus among conservative types), when it comes to giving each other a peck on the cheek, modern blokes are no longer as afraid as they once were.
From the survey, which questioned university students from two universities, a whopping 89 per cent of blokes said they had kissed a heterosexual male friend on the lips, 37 per cent said they'd engaged in "sustained" kissing with another man, and zero per cent of respondents thought any of this behaviour was "sexual".
When I asked my 27-year-old rugby-playing, beer-swigging mate what he thought of this, he looked at me a little strangely.
"Um, I'd never kiss a dude," he said.
As straight actor Colin Farrell said when talking about his gay love scenes in Alexander in 2004: "I didn't enjoy kissing the men any more than I am sure a gay guy would enjoy licking a woman's [bleep]. I find it repulsive when a guy's stubble is pressed against my lip."
But after thinking about it for a few minutes, my mate told me that he's noticed that more and more blokes are doing it ... but only on the sporting field.
"The French rugby team were giving each other full on pashes when they won against New Zealand a couple of years ago," he told me. "It was weird to watch. And it was what we talked about for ages after the game."
While sporting heroes are supposed to be the roughest, toughest, straightest blokes on the block, it seems odd that they're not shy to give each other a little lip-on-lip action (in front of the entire world!) when they get a tad excited.
The University of Bath survey results concur with my mate's observations, with 95 per cent of athletes surveyed admitting that they had kissed another man, and that they thought there was "nothing wrong with it".
So what's going on? Are more men coming out of the closet? Unafraid to show their affections for one another? Or is this trend a reflection of something else?
Dr Eric Anderson, from the university's department of education who helped conduct the survey, said heterosexual men kissing each other in friendship is "an offshoot of what happens when homophobia is reduced … At these universities, overt homophobia has reduced to near extinction, permitting those men to engage in behaviour that was once taboo."
Which is certainly good news, even if it means your man may have swapped spit with his best mate.
But back to Rossdale. Because when it comes to having sex with a person of the same sex, it's slightly different than pashing them on the soccer field after your mate scores the winning goal. So my question is this: what if you discovered something like that about your partner? Would you be willing to forgive and forget? Or would you feel betrayed? Would you feel uncomfortable around them? Or would you put it down to a simple case of young men (or women) finding their way? And where do you draw the line?
Recently I've come across a number of readers who have made startling discoveries about their partners. What would you forgive?
* They've been to jail.
* There are nude photos of them on the internet.
* They're on a dating website.
* They've been to a swingers club (and participated!).
* They've been sleeping around with other people of the opposite sex.
* They've slept with someone of the same sex ...
And in case you thought I was kidding about the trend of sporting blokes kissing one another, check out this video which proves they aren't afraid to show a bit of male-to-male lovin'...
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